45 Days…

45 days. Seems like a lot, but at the same time, doesn’t. But I did it. I lasted 45 days without caffeine. Honestly, it didn’t really impact my life, until the last week and a half—those days, I was dragging. Work was long. School was exhausting. I was tired. I was told several time I needed or deserved a break. I could have used caffeine to give me energy, and keep me awake, but I found other avenues to do so. I exercised a lot. I wrote a series of Inspirational poems I am calling IS (Inspirational Series). There are over 65. I will publish them in groups as soon as I edit them. I just haven’t had the time yet. Some of them are pretty in-depth and profound, if I do say so. I got emotional writing some of them. Which is my normal poetry writing experience. For me, poetry is about getting my emotions out. I don’t normally get emotional writing them. I guess I needed the relief. Emotions can be cathartic. During the last 45 days, they were for me.

Saturday, April 2019, I had my first soda in 45 days. I was excited. I had counted down the days until I could drink caffeine again. I had a plan: I was going to the Sonic across the street from my house, order a large Diet Dr. Pepper, with no ice (that’s how I roll, and they are 99 cents before 11), and go get my Easter mani/pedi. That’s what I did. Honestly, I didn’t really enjoy drinking the soda like I thought I would. It took me about 3 hours to drink the whole thing. Normally, after Lent, I crave one more soda after I have had the first one. I did crave soda the previous ten days. I did buy a second one at the grocery store, but I put it my parents’ fridge and saved it for Easter Sunday. Maybe this is the turning point in my soda drinking, and I will drink less. I will say that much to my surprise, I really started liking seltzer water. Okay, it depends on the flavor—cherry is good; lime is terrible. Before these 45 days, I didn’t think I would ever like seltzer water.

When I started Lent this year, the goal was originally just to give up soda for 45 days, which I always do. I give up soda because I use it when I begin getting stressed, and it becomes a crutch. I don’t want it to be a crutch. I need to learn how to self-manage stress.  About two weeks before Lent began, I decided to give up all caffeine. Just to challenge myself more fully. If I don’t push myself, I will never be a better person. That’s what I strive for: to be better each day than the previous day. I was asked, “what college student gives up caffeine?” I smirked, and responded, “this one.” I don’t like to take the easy way. Never have. Just ask my mom. My parents tell me that they think that sometimes I am obstinate just to be obstinate. Haha. Okay, so maybe I am difficult at times, but I never said I was perfect. Just practically perfect in every way. Maybe I should call myself Morgan Poppins, lol! At the beginning of my caffeine fast, I prayed for something I specifically wanted to gain from my sacrifice. It’s easy to just give something up, but if you have a reason to give it up, it means more to you.

About three weeks into my no caffeine journey, I was frustrated because I didn’t feel like I was getting out of the fasting exercise what I wanted to get from it. On a walk one day, I realized I wasn’t getting out of it what I was hoping for, but I was getting so much more. Before I gave up caffeine I was in deep turmoil over some very personal situations. I felt I was praying for answers and moving forward, with no answers. I struggled with these issues for weeks. My logical brain doesn’t handle emotions super well, and I don’t like problems I can’t find the answers to. I realized on that walk that sometimes in life I have to keep moving forward with what I feel is right, having faith that it is right. I couldn’t keep questioning and doubting everything. I had felt confirmation from God I was doing the right thing. I needed to move forward in that knowledge. In those moments, I knew the doubt and the overthinking was the Devil’s way of trying to confuse me, and lead me down a different road than the one God had planned. That feeling/thought was reaffirmed over the next few days in different situations. I knew what I was feeling was right. These confirmation feelings I was having were how I should’ve known it was important/right for me to keep doing what I was doing. Sometimes, I get lost in analyzing everything. In those peaceful moments of the walk, everything was different. Suddenly, weeks of worry, doubt, anxiety, etc. left me. I felt at peace about what I was doing.

At the time, the feeling of peace was the greatest gift I could have received. For weeks before this moment, I had been consumed with the weight of these issues. I was not myself. I hated who I was. I lost some weight and my appetite, neither of which I needed to lose. Also, I got a super bacterial infection called MRSA in my leg. The stress was getting to me.  I hid it from everyone, too, because I didn’t want to burden others with my troubles. My friend Lori knew some details, but I didn’t tell her everything. I couldn’t do that to her. Besides, I didn’t want to burden people with my problems because I didn’t want to add to any troubles they may have been going through. I am a very private person. I don’t share a lot of things with people. Even with my family and friends. This may be a personality flaw. I don’t know. People have their own problems to deal with; I don’t need to add to them. Plus, sharing has hurt me in the past, so if I don’t do it, then I can’t get hurt. So, it’s a protection, too. Instead, I keep my emotions bottled in. Most of the time I resolve problems myself, but these weighty issues were not going away.

After the walk, the issues were still there. (I am still dealing with some of them now). Sometimes, God changes you, not your problems. I began looking for what I could be grateful for while the bad things were happening, and I decided to put my situation in God’s hands. Believing I was doing the right thing, and feeling at peace about the decision I was making/am still making, made me feel better. I know this feeling of peace comes from God. Thankfully, He cares enough about me and my problems to listen to me when I am emotional. Two of my favorite scriptures deal with the feelings I am speaking of:  “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27), and “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). The latter one really helped me through my Grandma Teri’s passing. Then again, during Rachael’s passing. Jesus brought me peace when I was distressed before; I know He will do it again.

I am dealing with the issues each day. Some days are better than others. It is work; it is not easy. Some days I feel like I talk God’s ear off about my problems. On those days, I write a lot of poetry and listen to a lot of music. Other days, I smile, laugh, sing, and dance all day. No matter the day, I know He is there for me. The last couple weeks I have been reminded of one of my favorite worship songs, “Reckless Love.” The words speak volumes to me. Here is a link to it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sc6SSHuZvQE

God is always there for us, no matter who we are, and why we think we are unworthy of love. God knows our names, our worries, doubts, fears, etc., but loves us anywhere. We are not the poor choices we make. People are not their pasts, and they are not the battles they are facing. No one is perfect. Everyone needs love and friendship. We are on this Earth to build each other up, and help each other through the hard times. We need to love each other, always. We are loved, always. In those times we cannot do it for each other, God will pick up the slack and do the rest. That’s the amazing thing about life. We can survive our lowest times, and we will come out of them stronger and more resilient. We all have amazing futures ahead of us. We need to never stop trying to reach them, so we can live the best lives possible.

After my 45 days, I have learned some things about myself and about life. I don’t think this has ever happened to me during Lent before. It’s always just kind-of-been a sacrificial thing I suffered through. I really appreciate the growth I have experienced. My life is richer and more fulfilled because of those 45 days.  Today, I weighed myself after the 45 days, and I only lost 6 ounces, so not really the weight loss people spoke of, haha. I guess there’s always next year 😉 I do not know what next year holds. I don’t know the answers to my personal problems. I just know that I am doing the right thing, and everything will work out the way it is meant to. I am excited to see what my future has in store.