Always Anxious

A few weeks ago, I read the book QB: My Life Behind the Spiral by Steve Young. Steve Young was one of my heroes growing up—mostly because I grew up LDS, and he was LDS and played football, so he was a combination of two things I knew pretty well. I always appreciated he maintained his image and upheld his morals while playing football and being in the public eye. While I was reading the book, I learned he suffered from anxiety almost his entire life. Looking at him, I would never have guessed: he played games week in and week out; he won Superbowls; surely, he had no problems. As a child I didn’t understand people have struggles they don’t want others to know about. Steve Young clearly found out how to function in the world, despite his debilitating anxiety.

Anxiety is one more thing Steve Young and I have in common. I consider myself a high functioning person with anxiety issues. I don’t feel like I hide it as well as he did, though. My anxiety is more general, whereas his was more situational. I honestly think situational anxiety was the reason he was crippled in his private life. I deal with my anxieties all the time, so I am not as surprised when they decide to show up in my life. Well, it does surprise me—that’s what anxiety is—but not to the same degree. I feel like it’s a weight on my shoulders that’s always present, and is worse at sometimes.

Anxiety is an interesting phenomenon to explain. Unless you experience it, it’s difficult to understand what anxiety truly is.  All people experience anxiety on some level, but unless it’s with you constantly it’s hard to understand what it really is. Anxiety is a healthy human emotion that helps people have human experiences. But, if you have an anxiety disorder, the anxiety consumes you. According to the Mayo Clinic, “… people with anxiety disorders frequently have intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Often, anxiety disorders involve repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes (panic attacks). These feelings of anxiety and panic interfere with daily activities, are difficult to control, are out of proportion to the actual danger and can last a long time. You may avoid places or situations to prevent these feelings. Symptoms may start during childhood or the teen years and continue into adulthood. Examples of anxiety disorders include generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder (social phobia), specific phobias and separation anxiety disorder. You can have more than one anxiety disorder. Sometimes anxiety results from a medical condition that needs treatment.” Still, no one with an anxiety disorder experiences life in the same way.

For me, anxiety is getting stuck inside my head and overwhelmed by thoughts. My brain NEVER turns off.  It’s always thinking of things, and all the things that could go wrong. Anxiety is a great battle for me—my logical brain knows my thoughts are not rational, yet I can’t stop my brain from thinking them. The worst is the worst-case-scenario thinking that occasionally occurs. For many, end-all-be-all is a normal reaction when bad things happen in life. For me, it’s not just when bad things happen—it’s all the time. Even if I know things won’t go wrong, I can tell you all the ways they could. My thoughts will turn from a simple bad thought to the world-is-ending. In the last year, these worst-case-scenario thoughts have occurred pretty often. For instance, at work, one day I made a mistake. Nothing major. Somehow, in my mind, I was going to get fired, and struggle to live. Logically, I knew I wasn’t going to get fired, and I wouldn’t be homeless, or have no money, but that’s not what my anxiety told me. Another example: a few weeks ago, I noticed my teeth hurt. I looked at them in the mirror, and one of my teeth has moved slightly. The logical answer is: make an appointment with the dentist, and have the tooth checked out. Anxiety thought process: my tooth is going to fall out, and I am going to swallow it in my sleep. I will have to pay to get it pulled and pay thousands of dollars to repair the situation. My face shape will change, and I won’t be attractive to people anymore. All unreasonable thoughts, but thoughts I couldn’t control. For days.

Besides controlling my thoughts, anxiety causes other issues. I do not sleep very well. Never have. I lay down at night, and my brain is busy thinking, thinking, thinking. It’s quite annoying. There are nights I lie in bed, thoroughly exhausted, wishing desperately I could sleep, but the sleep doesn’t come. On several occasions, I have prayed for sleep. Tried to tire or distract my brain, but usually to no avail. I have learned melatonin helps calm my mind, but I don’t want to become dependent on it, so I try to take it sparingly. Truthfully, this summer when Guido passed, I took melatonin more often than I would have liked, but it helped me sleep when I desperately needed it

I am weary of social situations. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I make a fool of myself? What if no one likes me? Instead, I stay home, even if I know none of those things are true. It’s an easier solution. Honestly, it’s a little cowardly, but it is how I have to cope some days. So, if I ever retreat or isolate myself, I will be back in a few days. Usually, it doesn’t take me that long, but I need time alone to calm myself and realign myself. The other option is I force myself to go out, and I don’t interact with people. Instead, I observe people. In most cases, this is what happens.

Simple things that happen in life overwhelm me. For instance, while I was earning my Doctorate, I received my IRB application back—that’s the ethical board, which gives permission to conduct research—and the results required changes; changes I felt were big ones. I felt I had to re-plan my entire research project. I had a meltdown. I cried hysterically; called my mom, as I was sitting in my towel on the floor in my bedroom. I told her I was quitting school, and there was no convincing me otherwise. She told me to calm down, and to talk to my Chair to see what he suggested. I did. After a few days, some changes were made—they weren’t small, but they weren’t major either. A few months later, I was conferred Dr. Lehman. This is not the first time this has happened, and I am sure it won’t be the last. I have never quit, though, and I don’t plan on starting that trend any time soon.

I pace. I pace a lot. My pacing drives people crazy, but I can’t sit still. I don’t do well, if I am not busy. The pacing is really bad when I watch sports or movies. Sports, at least to me, makes sense. Movies, not so much. If I am not doing something else to keep busy, I am probably pacing. I can’t help it. I wish I could. I try too, but I can’t.

Some days I feel like I just want to cry all day. Some days I do. Most days I don’t. The days I do I feel a lot better. As someone once said, “crying is therapeutic for the soul.” We all need a good cry at times. It’s human to show emotion. Even if alone. I am not a robot, and I can cry.

There are some physical ailments that come with anxiety as well. I am never super comfortable in my surroundings—at my house, yes, but in other places, even my family’s houses, I am always uneasy. Most of the time, I have an exit plan, or I check out. My senses often get overloaded, so I retreat and hide. Other than this, my anxieties can cause severe stomach aches. I can work myself into a tizzy, and I will feel nauseous. This is usually what happens. Though, this happens frequently, life must go on. I have had panic attacks, but those are few and far between. When I was in school at UNCW, I was having them frequently. After I had one in the shower, I decided to see the school’s counselor. In my 6 weeks of counseling, I learned my roommate was triggering my anxiety, and I learned ways to cope with my feelings since she and I had to live together for at least a few months more. The counselor told me at my third session my body language towards her had changed, and I was more open. Her help was vital in helping me understand what was going on in my life, and how to deal with it. She didn’t judge me; she wasn’t involved. The anxiety didn’t go away, but I learned how to manage it. Talking to someone was the best thing I ever did for myself. I am glad I reached out for help. There is still a stigma about seeing a counselor, but there shouldn’t be; everyone needs help sometimes. I didn’t experience another panic attack until a few weeks ago. I was shopping in Target, and suddenly felt I couldn’t breathe, and I had to leave the store.

I know dealing with anxiety sounds horrible. Sometimes, it is, but generally my life is lived liked most people live their lives. My anxiety ebbs and flows. 2020 has been a rough year anxiety-wise, mostly because of all the unknowns. I function well when I know what is going on in life. I am a planner, and that is one aspect of life I can control. I am not one for surprises. Also, being in lockdown—not being able to go out (which is different from choosing not to go out) causes a whole different set of anxieties.  I have been stuck inside my mind for months. I have been going crazy. I need to not live inside my brain. I had a talk about it with my Uncle a few weeks ago because I was becoming angry because I felt so anxious. He told me I needed to get outside of my head. So, as you saw in my previous post, I learned how to belly dance. The plan was to create a routine and post it for everyone. The plan is taking longer than expected to accomplish because I just don’t have the skills. I don’t want to show off what I have learned until I have perfected the routine. Perfection is another way to deal with anxiety. I am not a perfectionist, unless it’s something I am good at. Learning things is one thing I am good at. To be more vulnerable, I need to share how I have learned and grown.

When anxiety decides to show up, I do have ways to handle it. Two things that always calm me are my writing and music. I have notebooks full of poetry and short stories. The poetry is a release of emotions that gets hidden away after I put pen to paper. One day, I will be brave and courageous enough to share them with others. My friend Lori said I should publish a book of all the poetry I wrote in 2020. I don’t know if I am ready to share my deepest emotions with everyone and open myself to the scrutiny and pain that might come with sharing.  Music heals the soul. I listen to music depending on the mood I am in. Rap is my angry music, though I am not super knowledgeable about rap music. My rap repertoire is minimal. If I am in a good mood, it’s Dierks all day. When I feel overwhelmed, I listen to my theme song. This year that song was “You Can’t Bring Me Down,” by Dierks. In 2021 the song is going to be, “I’m Still Standing,” by Elton John.

There are calming scriptures/phrases that I say when I feel overwhelmed. One of them is the Serenity Prayer, which says, “God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.” The prayer was originally written during World War II for soldiers and was much longer. I am sure in war the longer version was super helpful in times of war. I also recite a scripture I learned while I was in Bible study in my youth. The scripture is from Mormon doctrine. It is written, “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.”-Doctrine & Covenants 6:36. Both of these help me remember that I need to just go with life. Breathe. Move forward no matter what happens. Anxiety will come, and anxiety will go. At the end, I am still here, and I am still moving forward in life. I am becoming a better person each and every day, and that’s the best anyone can do.

Anxiety will always be with me. I am learning how to deal with it, as taking medication is not an option I am willing to try, unless it’s a must. It’s not a must right now. Talking it out is instrumental. I am an internal processor, so talking out my ideas, thoughts, and anxieties with others, helps me process them outside myself. As I said before, discussion is a good tool to help people deal with life when it is too big for them on their own. I also think processing my emotions with others helps me have empathy for others. Which helps me be kinder and more understanding. Honestly, I could be a little kinder to the world around me. It’s also a nice reminder to be kinder to myself. Just like other people, I deal with things others don’t see.

Here is a link to the book if you’re interested: https://www.amazon.com/QB-My-Life-Behind-Spiral/dp/1328745724/ref=asc_df_1328745724/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312174487654&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=16702348788416984417&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9009690&hvtargid=pla-552368019837&psc=1