Intimacy

Intimacy. Ugh, such a scary word for so many. Especially me. Intimacy scares the crap out of me-for a lot of reasons, but it shouldn’t be scary.  Most people think of sex when they hear the word intimacy, but intimacy is so much more than physical closeness. Intimacy is a closeness and familiarity in a relationship. Intimacy requires mutual vulnerability, openness, and sharing. In a way, it’s the ultimate trust exercise. It’s emotional. It’s courageous. It takes time. Intimacy is a commitment. Intimacy is personal acceptance, and it requires honesty, safety, compassion, affection, and communication. Intimacy is comfortability. Intimacy is not easy in life, but somewhere deep down; I know it’s totally worth it.

My relationship with intimacy is complicated. As an introvert, it’s hard for me to let people know me. What makes it harder is I don’t easily let people into my life. I have a small group of friends, and I like it that way; they have been my friends for years, and I know I could trust them with anything. Truthfully, I don’t let anyone easily, not even my family. So, it was a surprise to me when I broke down and cried in front of my friend’s husband a few weeks ago, I was both embarrassed and didn’t know what to do.

I don’t mind being alone. When I want to be with my friends, I make time for them, and they understand when I tell them no. Most people would think my life was lonely, but I like spending time with myself. I also like spending time with my friends when I feel like the time is right. That’s not to say I never get together with my friends—I do get together with them because friendship is mutual, and I like to push myself beyond my comfort zone—that’s how we progress in life. To me, having a dinner with just a few friends indicates intimacy over spending the night in a large gathering: those are the people I want to share my life with. You can tell if you’re in my circle by what your name is in my contacts—if you’re in my circle and special to me, you will have a nickname. If not, just your name or phone number.

One of the things that’s unique about intimacy is that it’s different for different people. It’s also different with different people. You might go on a date in which one partner feelings like cuddling on the couch is intimacy, but the other partner would rather take a long walk to talk. You wouldn’t do those things with your parents or siblings or best friend (well, maybe the walk). A preferred method of intimacy is often determined by interests, communication style, or the ideal way someone feels about getting to know someone else. Just like people have different Love Languages, people have differences in Intimacy. For instance, every month I get a massage and a wax, which requires my aestheticians to see my naked body and get close to my private parts. This requires intimacy because I have to trust the ladies doing my work. I love being naked. After I take a shower, I wait as long as I can to get dressed. I often sleep naked. I have been skinny dipping. I don’t worry about being naked (I wouldn’t join a nudist colony or anything), but there is a great vulnerability to expose your entire body to someone you barely know. It took me a long time to get comfortable with these women—women other than myself—seeing me naked, but they make my life more beautiful. They know and understand what makes my body work for me, and what I struggle with. `

As I said people relate intimacy to sex, but that’s not always the case. There are four different kinds of intimacy, and only one of the types entails physicality: emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical. Emotional intimacy allows you to share things with people you have relationships with that you might not share with strangers. You have to let people see your heart. You let your walls down as you get to know someone, and earn each other’s trust. There is less worry of judgment. You have to share your emotions. You have to share what’s hard to say.  Intellectual intimacy is sharing your mind map with someone, as you learn about how their mind works. You build ideas and have meaningful conversations. Spiritual intimacy is hard to find because people have different beliefs on spirituality. Spiritual intimacy can mean sharing core values, beliefs, or the feeling of meant-to-be. Physical intimacy is physical closeness and touch with another person. Holding hands, kissing (to the back of the neck, my personal favorite), touching, copulation. Intimacy is built through experience—spending time with another person. You grow closer with someone over common interests and activities.

No matter what intimacy looks like to people, there are several key factors involved. In order to share the most personal parts of yourself, you have to trust someone. If you show someone else you can be trustworthy, they are more likely to feel closer to you as well. For instance, I had someone tell me something they had only told 3 other people, which made me want to tell him something I hadn’t told other people. He trusted me with his heart, and I wanted to do the same. Intimacy is established when two people accept each other for who they really are. I struggle to show people who I really am because I am quirky and odd. If I show someone that side of me, and they love me for it, then we are both closer. They are more likely to show me what makes them odd. Honesty and intimacy go hand-in-hand; you can’t have one without the other, and they feed off of each other. Intimacy means feeling safe enough to take the risk of putting yourself out there, knowing the other person cares enough not to let you down. Compassion, which requires forgiveness, understanding, and care, between other people is essential to intimacy. Show you care about another person—physical or unspoken affection—show up for someone in whatever way they need. Good communication is key to intimacy and a quality relationship. When you make an effort to listen to someone and tell them how you really feel, you can build a deep understanding for each other. All of these components work in conjunction with each other, and they will take time and effort. Intimacy is active, not passive. It’s also a two-way street. If only one person is working on relationship intimacy, that intimacy will die.

I have been intimate with my reading audience in certain ways. Even though most people who read my blog, or check out my Facebook page, are strangers, it still takes me great courage to share personal details of my life. I have been emotionally vulnerable when I have shared my poetry, which also requires some intellectual intimacy as well. You’re getting a glimpse of how I feel, and how I creatively express those feelings. I have shared my core values, thoughts, and ideals, which needed spiritual intimacy. I have also shared my weight loss and belly dancing progress, which gave insight into who I am.

Since the beginning of Covid, one of my goals was to be more vulnerable with people. Failure to be intimate with people I care about has really hurt me in the past.  I don’t want to repeat the same cycle. I don’t want to feel unlovable because I built up walls that are hard for people to tear down. I once saw a counselor in college because I was having panic attacks, who told me that she could tell I was not open to let people know who I really am. Several weeks later, she told me she felt I was more open because my body language was more open. I will admit it’s hard for me to trust people. I have built up a wall around myself to protect myself. In all fairness, it’s not fair to anyone. I am not allowing myself to be open with someone else. I am not being open, so I am not growing in intimacy with anyone.

A lot of people have a fear of intimacy, but I feel I have taken it to a new level. That’s understandable, considering that intimacy requires you to be vulnerable and put faith in other people when there’s a chance they’ll let you down.  My trust has been violated, and it takes awhile for me to want to take a chance with the person who broke that trust again. When my trust has been violated, it takes a lot for me to open myself to hurt and pain again. I have been looking for ways to help myself over this hump. I have read a lot of Brené Brown, who researches vulnerability. I have learned a lot about the subject from her books/TED Talks. I want to be more vulnerable. I want to let people in. I have tried to be more open with my friends. I more openly share how I feel. I want to learn how to be more open from children. Kids aren’t afraid to tell people everything that’s on their minds. They don’t care if people think they are odd. They are just them. I want to be more life that. I want to be less fearful of intimacy. Clearly, fear of intimacy is a learned behavior.

Allowing intimacy into our lives is good for our health—mentally and physically. We will build healthy, happier, and more fulfilled lives if we allow other people into our lives. We won’t be lonely or isolated. Relationships are important in our lives, whether they are family, friends, or romantic relationships. Build those relationships. It’s important to be grateful in our lives—to show other people our gratitude for them. This can be done in small and simple ways. Make a consistent effort to learn about the special people in your life. Ask them random questions. If you ask me anything, I will answer. Use those facebook games to learn things you may not know. Listen. Nothing shows you care like listening to what someone else is interested in. This builds understanding, too. You will learn what people care about and why. Make time to focus on each other—this may mean unplugging. When I go out with my friends, I put my phone away, so they know I am present with them. If I could get away with it, I would go back to my flip phone. As a global society, we are too focused on our technology. We are sacrificing intimacy and relationships for keyboards and screens.  Building intimacy is one of the most rewarding ways to enrich life. Give yourself permission to seek out the meaningful connections you deserve.

One of my favorite examples of intimacy comes from the kid’s movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. At the end of the movie, the main character, Flint Lockwood, who is unusual character, learns that his father does love him, and that his love interest wants to kiss him. I included the clip, so you can see how being intimate something feels to me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF3K0_9QtBc