Rejection

Everyone gets rejected. Everyone. Rejection happens daily, and it is one of the most common emotional wounds we, as humans, deal with regularly. For many years, rejections were restricted to our small social circles. Social media changed that—in many ways, people place value in their social media accounts. We are now connected to thousands of people, any of which could reject us on a daily basis. Yet, their rejection may not always be intentional. If it is, it’s not usually a you problem. Often, it’s underlying rejected feelings in themselves, which they don’t know how to handle. It’s easy to say: it’s not a you, but them, problem, but it often feels like a you problem, and one which most people don’t know how to deal with without hurting themselves more.

Social media rejections are minor. We often face major rejections as well—breakups, firings, snubs from our friends and family (those inner circle rejections). This pain can feel absolutely immobilizing. I’ll give you a personal example: my biological father has never wanted anything to do with me. Before I was born, he insisted he wasn’t my father, even though he knew for sure he was. He then came back into my life when I was 17, said he wanted a relationship, and then walked out of my life. I have an amazing dad, and I have never considered him as anything less than my dad. In fact, of all my siblings, I am the most like him, even though we don’t have any of the same genetics. For years, I have given his medical history as my own because I never thought about it any differently. Until this year. During my yearly physical, there was a spot indicating I didn’t know my father’s medical history, so I checked it. I then contacted my biological father, and asked him for his medical history because I didn’t know. He didn’t respond to my inquiry. While his rejection of me is not new, and it doesn’t normally impact me, there are times when it creeps into my life and impacts my self-esteem—I feel something is wrong with me, even though logically I know it’s not a me thing but a him thing. There are moments in my life it’s hard. Truthfully, at Christmastime, I send him a Christmas card, as a kind-of-F-you to him—almost a look-what-I’ve-become-despite-you reminder.

Whether the rejection we feel is large or small, the truth is, it always hurts, and usually how much it hurts usually surprises us. Why? Why does someone’s lack of contacting us on our birthday, or liking a post we made on social media, anger and upset us so badly? It makes us moody and feel poorly about ourselves. Even though logically we know maybe they were busy, or they just forgot. My birthday is in December and most people don’t acknowledge it—it’s a busy time of the year, I don’t think anyone does it on purpose. Although I would choose not to celebrate it, it still bums me out when people don’t do anything to acknowledge the day.  But why? I don’t truly care—it’s another day to me. I go to work, and do everything I would do on the day before and the day after.

The basic answer: our brains our wired to react to rejection, and this is how they react. The same areas of our brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. This explains why small hurts feel more painful than we expect them too.  Our brains produce emotional pain when we feel rejected. Evolutionary psychologists believe that when nomads were living rejection was a warning sign to alert a person that they needed to change their behavior to remain in the tribe, which they needed to be part of to survive. According to these psychologists the rejection mechanism became ingrained and was passed down from generation to generation.

The truth about rejection though is that it’s usually self-inflicted, even if we say it’s a them problem, not an us (me) problem. When someone rejects us—for whatever reason, and whatever the case may be, we find reasons why it was our fault. We become self-critical. He dumped me because I wasn’t pretty enough. The school didn’t want me because I wasn’t smart enough. Humans are their own worst critics. We call ourselves names, lament our shortcomings, and feel disgusted with ourselves. In other words, when our self-esteem is at its lowest from rejection, we find ways to damage it more.

We just need to find healthy ways to respond to rejection—to curb the unhealthy criticism we are prone to answer our rejection with—to calm our emotional hurt and rebuild our self-esteem. After years of researching rejection (by feeling it and healing past traumas), I have discovered some ways to combat with rejection, that work for me (and many others).

1. Do not self-criticize: In fact, have a zero tolerance policy for yourself to not self-criticize. I know it’s hard. It’s human nature to be hard on ourselves. It’s a double-edged sword: criticism helps us better ourselves, but it also helps us deflate ourselves. When faced with rejection, it’s important to review what happened, and consider what you should do differently in the future. However, there is absolutely no good reason why to be self-critical when doing so. Truthfully, some relationships end, and they are great learning experiences. Some jobs are better suited for others. The rejections we face might be blessings in disguise. We do not need to assume it’s something we did or didn’t do—most rejections whether romantic, professional, or even social, are due to “fit” and circumstance. Sometimes things don’t work out, and we need not blame ourselves for every rejection we face—it’s not productive, and it’s often misleading.
2. Strengthen your self-worth: Instead of listing your shortcomings, name what you have to offer after you have been rejected. It’s a much more productive use of your time and energy. The best way to boost feelings of self-worth after a rejection is to remind yourself what aspects of yourself you know are valuable. Are you a good listener? Maybe you’re good at your job. Start by making a list of 5 qualities that you find important and meaningful. It’s been suggested that the list of qualities reminds you of why you are a good relationship prospect. Then choose one of the qualities and write at least a paragraph as to why that quality matters to other people, and how you can use it. Creating this list is important for 3 reasons: it builds your self-esteem, reduces your emotional pain, and creates confidence going forward.
3. Boost feelings of community: When I used to attend church, the pastor emphasized community and the feeling of belonging. As a loner, I never understood why he talked so much about joining a small group, etc., because I would rather be on my own than in a crowd of people, but I also understand the importance of feeling you belong to a group. Rejection confuses our psyche because we withdraw because of hurt, and as social creatures we want to feel valued by those we are in contact with. When we are rejected, we need to remind ourselves we are appreciated and loved (by more than ourselves), so we can feel more connected and love. Even if you like to be alone, there are always people you can reach out to—co-workers, friends, siblings. Get together with these people as soon as you can.

Rejection is never easy, so it’s important to know how to lessen the psychological damage it inflicts. It’s also important to know how to rebuild your self-esteem when you are/feel rejected. This will help  you move along healthily in the future. In 2013, Psychology Today listed 10 surprising facts about rejection (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection):

1. Rejection piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain.
2. Tylenol reduces the emotional pain rejection elicits.
3. Rejection served a vital function in our evolutionary past.
4. We can relive and re-experience social pain more vividly than we can physical pain.
5. Rejection destabilizes our “need to belong.”
6. Rejection creates surges of anger and aggression.
7. Rejections send us on a mission to seek and destroy our self-esteem.
8. Rejection temporarily lowers our IQ.
9. Rejection does not respond to reason.
10. There are ways to treat the psychological wounds rejection inflicts.

Mark Leary, a PhD professor at Duke University said, “People have realized just how much our concern with social acceptance spreads its fingers into almost everything we do.” Social rejection can influence emotion, cognition, and physical health. Rejection causes a cascade of emotions, which are often difficult for us to process and handle. Rejection increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy, and sadness. It reduces performance on difficult intellectual tasks, and can also contribute to aggression and poor impulse control. Furthermore, PhD Nathan DeWall at the University of Kentucky, noted people who routinely feel excluded have poorer sleep quality, and their immune systems don’t function as well as those of people with strong social connections.

We may not even realize it, but rejection is ever-present in our world, even a stranger who doesn’t seem to notice us. Studies have shown that rejection is just as painful from people you don’t like as people you do. Rejection is rejection to the brain. The fortunate thing is most of us recover from small rejections quickly. The brain seeks connection after feeling rejected. Studies show that we are more sensitive to those who want to connect with us right after we’ve been hurt by ostracism. The problem arises when the rejection feels continual—when people can no longer combat it (so they turn to addictive behaviors or suicide—giving up, essentially).

The nest time you feel you’ve been rejected, take stock of the situation—maybe you did behave poorly. Rejection may be a social clue of a behavior you need to change. If you have been rejected needlessly, remember to find the purpose in the rejection—don’t take it too personally. Feel the pain. Learn from the pain. Don’t overgeneralize about you, and make yourself feel lousy and miserable. That does no one any good. If I have said it once, I will say it again, we need to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. Find a way to make sure you are not socially isolated because that will lead nowhere positive. If you  need a good reminder: https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a30719895/how-to-deal-with-rejection/. Don’t ever forget: you are loved, and you are valued, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.