2020

Easter is my holiday. It has been for some time. I love everything about it—there is a sense of renewal the holiday brings with the day. I take the time from Mardi Gras to Easter Sunday, and even to Orthodox Easter (which is usually a week after American Easter), to examine my life to see how I can improve, and how I can better impact the lives of others.

Every year, to concentrate on bettering myself, I participate in Lent activities. This year, like most others, I decided to sacrifice caffeinated soda. I also decided to give up candy. Normally, I don’t care for candy, but the stress of everything with school in January and February caused me to eat Milk Duds regularly.

Nothing about Easter this year was typical. Usually, for Mardi Gras, my friend Emily and I have “the last meal” together. This year, however, instead of having the dinner on Mardi Gras, we had to schedule the dinner on Monday. At the time, I was participating in a small group on Tuesday nights, so I was unavailable on Mardi Gras. Unlike prior years, I had an accountability partner. Emily’s husband, Sterling, and I decided to make sure each other didn’t give into the temptations of eating/drinking what we had given up. I was impressed at all he decided to not eat or drink. Briefly, I felt bad for how little I was sacrificing. If you know me, though, you know giving up soda is extremely difficult. Soda is my stress relief. I use it as medicine when I have a headache. I don’t drink as much as I used to—when I was a teenager, I went through a time of depression, and I didn’t drink anything but soda. Still, I drink more than I wish I did. I follow rules about my soda intake now, too: not before 11 am, I drink 70 ounces of water a day, and I must drink half of that water before I have a sip of soda. Most days, I do well at following the rules I set for myself. For the most part, I am a disciplined person, and I don’t give into temptation.

I was grateful for my accountability partner. I would text him if I felt tempted to eat candy or drink soda, though I admit, I was never tempted to eat candy. 2020 usually refers to better vision and clarity; insightfulness, who doesn’t want that in their lives? I do. This year that the focus of my sacrifice during Lent was to be more insightful about my life. Then, a pandemic hit, and people and life became crazy. Life feels like a soap opera, though I don’t know if I am an actor in the soap opera or the audience. In my wildest dreams I have secretly wanted to be a soap opera writer. There are a few reasons why this would be a fun job: it would be easy—you recycle the same stories, but I could still use my imagination; the job would be fun; the field is paid well. I couldn’t write a soap opera like this year…

The second week of March, Governor Cooper began systematically shutting down the state of North Carolina. We were one of the first states to do so. Technically, I am an essential worker, so I was able to work the first week of the shutdown. (I am still able to work, but ownership has closed the studio.) I didn’t think we would be closed this long because we are an essential business, so I only worked part-time hours that week. I am one of the lucky few because even though my work is a closed, essential business, we are also considered a small business, so we qualify to get paid while we are closed. I had been to the grocery store before all the rules began, so I still have some of the food left I bought about a month ago. I am a saver, so I have about three months of savings in the bank. One day, I would like to have about a year, so if something happens, I will be ready. I would also like to have a year of food storage as well. That’s a goal of mine to accomplish sometimes, hopefully, soon.  For the first time I did my taxes before April 15^th. I usually use the money for a vacation, but since we can’t go on vacation now, I will put it in my savings as well. Plus, the United States government is sending stimulus money to the country’s citizens, but I am not counting on that any time soon. (I also am inclined to distrust government handouts.) I do have some online editing jobs to do to earn some money. I am trying to stay busy. I don’t do well being idle.

I struggle to keep busy and not go stir crazy. I am doing a relatively good job doing so. My skin is apparently stressed—my psoriasis is red and angry, especially on my face. The Office has been my go-to mindlessness. My struggles come from overthinking. When I am not busy, my mind tends to think and overthink. I have been trying to keep my mind busy. I have been reading a lot. Currently, I am reading two books—one spiritual and one not. My yearly goal to read 20 books might be accomplished by the end of Covid-19. I have been trying to write poetry. I have struggled some with inspiration, but I have written poetry I am proud of. I started sharing my MA portfolio on my Facebook page, so people can read some of my short stories. I am sharing my writing, so people can (hopefully) get their minds off the outside world. Sharing has been more difficult lately. For two weeks I have been without my computer. On March 26, my computer wouldn’t turn on. My brother and dad looked at it and thought the problem was a loose DC jack. I took my computer to the repair shop, which is an essential business. The shop called me the next day, and they suggested the motherboard be replaced because of how the DC jack was attached. I called on the 4^th, and the store told me the motherboard had fried the visual wire, so now that had to be replaced. They ordered the part, and it would be about a week before it was to be delivered. I would have my computer back by the 13^th. Well, that was yesterday, and I have received no phone call. My assumption is, like before, shipping is not as fast as anticipated, and I will have to be patient. Luckily, Hannah’s work gave her a computer to work from home, so I am using hers until I get mine back.

At the end of March, 3 weeks into this, my worst fear was almost realized. My one tangible fear is I will receive a call in the middle of the night, telling me I have lost a family member.  I have received calls about a car wreck when I was away at college, a TBI, when I was away at college, and a few diabetic visits at various times. Each one has caused anxiety. None was worse than the 5 am call on March 31. Less than 12 hours before, my dad and I decided to order to-go food from our local bar to support them. We ate dinner and joked like we normally do. I couldn’t imagine less than 12 hours later I would receive one of the worst phone calls of my life. I never sleep with my phone near me. I am an extremely light sleeper, and the vibrate feature on my phone is loud, so I sleep with it across the room. That night, I was watching one of my murder mysteries before bed. When the episode finished, I was too tired to get up and plug my phone in, so I just rolled over and went to sleep.

When my phone rang at 5:42, I groggily looked at it and saw it was my mom. My mom, like me, isn’t a good sleeper, so I thought maybe she butt dialed me. I answered the phone anyway. “I just wanted to let you know Dad’s been taken in the ambulance to the hospital. They think it was a heart attack” was the essence of the conversation. I don’t remember what was said. A couple hours later, the group text messages began—and if you know the Lehmans, there were a lot. Truthfully, I keep family group chats on mute because there are just so many. The news was my dad had suffered from a massive heart attack; he had 100% blockage in his main artery: a windowmaker, as it is called. It’s a miracle my dad is alive.  He had a stent put in and was recovering in the hospital. Because of the virus, he was allowed no visitors. The responses were typical: Morgan, the internalizer, keeps her emotions to herself; Kayla, super emotional; Sam, all about Dad; Hannah rethinking the future; Brady, about to bust into the hospital with the family in tow. Our group texts are interesting, and people could find humor in them. I don’t answer them often. Usually when I notice them, I am about 50+ messages behind.

My dad came home the next day with “a new heart” and more color. I hugged him after he showered the hospital germs away. He had gotten a physical a couple weeks prior which stated his chance for a heart attack in the next 2 years was 10.54%. I had told him for months he needed to lose some weight, exercise, and eat better (which my mom seconded) (We weren’t mean; it was done with love.). Way to disprove the odds, Tom. This is one time I didn’t revel in being right. I read all the paperwork and highlighted all the important information. I am used to reading dense, boring material, and I knew everything would be overwhelming for my parents. During dinner, my Dad protested because I got more food than he did. I replied, “well, I didn’t just have a heart attack.” He jokes about it, but I know that’s his way of coping. I don’t like it, but I am glad he is still around. The feeling of almost losing your parent is an unusual one, and one I didn’t expect to experience at such a young age. Though, my mom wasn’t much older than I am now when Grandma Teri passed away. My dad went back to work less than a week later. I know he’s not following the rules, even though he says he is. He’s an adult; he can do as he chooses.

As I was reading the medical information, the subject of my doctorate came up—I don’t know why. I said, “I am the wrong kind of Doctor. I couldn’t help you.” My dad replied, “not the wrong kind, just a different kind.” My dad is amazing. Even when he is the one in pain and sick, he comforts his children. I gave him my working stethoscope from my Halloween costume a couple years ago. It will get put to better use now.

My family is close, so not being able to be with your loved ones during a time of crisis was never going to happen—no matter what the government says. Almost every night, I know my parents have had some—if not all—of their kids and grandkids over. Sam thought maybe my dad would have to self-isolate for 14 days because he went to the hospital, but he said he wasn’t doing that. My dad is too social not to be around people, and his theory was he had been exposed to all of us and our germs already. Plus, my dad, like me, likes to work, so I knew he would be working for too long. We had one of our weekend parties the weekend he came home, and we celebrated Easter together. We are cherishing all the moments we have together.

Less than a week later, on April 6^th at 9 pm, I received a text message Kayla was on her way to the hospital. She was in labor, and Knox would be born shortly. Personally, I think the stress of being far away from my dad, and worrying about his health, induced labor. I didn’t believe she would last until the end of April, but I didn’t think he would be born this early. I can’t decide who Knox looks like—sometimes Ayda, sometimes Denver, and a couple times he even looked like Cash. He’s a good mix, I guess. He was considered a preemie, and had some health issues, so he was in the NICU. My poor sister: just had surgery, had a baby she couldn’t hold, and a husband who couldn’t be at the hospital. She was worried, and she was lonely. She called my mom crying. While we were trying to calm her, we prayed with her over the phone. I hope it made her feel better. Later, she texted pictures of her holding Knox in the NICU. The next day, he was released. We talked on Easter Sunday, and he is little and tan. He sleeps a lot. This is good because Denver is a busy little person. I believe any birth is a miracle. One being born healthy is a bigger miracle. Kayla likes to give birth in interesting situations: Cash was born after fleeing a tornado; Ayda was born in the middle of a snowstorm, and Knox during a pandemic.

Two miracles in a week. The Lehman family is never boring…

When I wrote Eleutheria, I changed the name of the male love interests a couple times. Ultimately, the Southern love was named Knox. I don’t know where I heard the name, but when I heard it, I liked it. When I sent Kayla and Zach the book, they told me when they had a son his name was going to be Knox. Zach was stationed at Fort Knox during his military career. All their kids have names related to their life experiences. Kayla loved the man Gemi chose in the end would have the same name as her future son. Denver came a year after I published the novel, and the long-awaited Knox, a year and a half later. Kayla said now Knox is here, I can’t say Cash is my favorite anymore. I have said he was my favorite since the day he was born, and part of me will always hold firm to the idea.  Being an aunt is amazing. It’s hard to imagine you can love someone who is not yours. I love all those children—for different reasons and in different ways—I can’t wait to meet Knox in person. I am now the aunt of 7 nephews and nieces.

This time of Lent/Covid was a spiritual renewal in a sense. Twice, I fasted during this time. Once, on March 29^th and the other time on April 10^th. It has been years since I fasted. Fasting is not an issue for me. I don’t eat much, so not eating two meals is not difficult. However, focusing on spiritual things for 24 hours is difficult. My mind never turns off, so focusing on quiet things is often difficult. Religious leaders asked the world to fast and pray on both of those days, so I decided I would. I didn’t feel much during the first fast. During the second, I felt peace and knew everything would be all right. Truthfully, I had prayed for peace about Covid-19 since the beginning of March, and I felt that Easter would be important for some reason. While I have remained mostly upbeat during this unknown time, I have had moments of sadness. While I am an introvert and mostly a homebody, the struggle still exists. I can’t go to Target and just roam. Normally, I went the grocery store every couple days, but I have avoided doing so to be a good world citizen. Being home all the time, not socializing with my close friends, has been difficult. Yes, we talk and text, but it’s not the same as seeing a person’s face and talking to them in person. I know this time period will pass, and I will be okay. During the second fasting period, I truly felt at peace. I can’t explain it. From now on, I am going to try to fast once a month; it will make my life better.

During this time, I learned some other things about myself and other people. I learned people will always react to times of stress in the same ways: 1) people will panic. People will believe what they are told, and they will be paranoid. (My roommate wears a mask in our house, which I don’t comprehend). We’ve seen people panic buying. Toilet paper, alcohol, disinfectant wipes and soap have been emptied on shelves for about a month and a half. I don’t understand some of the panic buying. I do not panic, especially when the numbers don’t equal the fear. I understand the virus is serious, but my logical brain can’t compute the illogical behavior behind the statistical evidence. The panic buying upsets me because there are people who legitimately need things others are panic buying, and now, they can’t find them in stores. For instance, people with diabetes need alcohol swabs to clean their injection sights, but there are none to be found. They can’t substitute with alcohol and a cotton swabs because there is no alcohol to be found anywhere. This is a medical need. People need to take a breath and buy what they need for the time they need it. Items will be restocked on the shelf. People need to be patient, logical, and wait for trucks to catch up. I am also frustrated because store employees were not employed to be police officers and make sure people aren’t hoarding or standing six feet apart. They should also not be mistreated because of people’s fear in the chaos; 2) people will try to follow the rules and live their life as normally as possible; these are the people who do not fear, and these are the people who are prepared in case of emergencies. They are logical. They do not believe everything the media tells them. They do their research and are informed. They are patient and wait. My family fits in this category. While some worry exists, we are calm and live life the best we can. Life has been an adjustment, but we know this time will not last forever; 3) people will believe it’s a hoax and don’t take it seriously. They don’t follow the rules. I don’t know very many people like this. Most people fit in category 2.

2020 Insights:

1. While most people are coming together during this time, the political dividedness of our country is still evident. At the beginning of this year, when China was dealing with the virus, our country was politically divided, trying to impeach or defend the President. The leaders should have worked together to understand the magnitude of the virus. I believe we wouldn’t be where we are today if the government wasn’t so ardently against one another. Even during this pandemic, when they should have worked together for the betterment of US citizens, the two parties were busy fighting one another. The stimulus checks were delayed a couple weeks because the two parties couldn’t agree on the terms.
2. There is a lot of misinformation people are posting without research, which is leading to more fear. I believe you should never post something without fact-checking. Though, there are varying opinions, it is never okay to slander someone for their opinion. There is a lot of information, and people want to know what is true. I suggest research be done, so you can form an opinion for yourself. I have snoozed several friends for posting false or misleading information or for posting too much information on the virus. The virus is not the only thing happening in the world, and I understand it is big, but people need a break from the constant barrage of messages coming at them. Covid-19 has reminded me why I want to get rid of my social media. I keep it for the friends made throughout the country and the world
3. There has been much criticism of those in charge. Instead of criticizing every move our leaders make, which is not proactive and not changing anything, maybe we should pray they will make better choices. I don’t agree or like most politicians, but they were elected, so I pray they make the best decisions for the people they oversee. This is a rough time for them, too. Constant criticizing and negativity will not help them do a better job. My theory: pay attention to those leaders and vote according to your beliefs the next election.
4. People need to learn the meaning of words. Quarantine means you don’t leave a designated area. Currently, Americans can leave their houses, so we are not quarantined. Secondly, a pandemic is defined as prevalent over the whole world, so it’s not necessary to say global pandemic. That’s redundant.
5. People don’t know their rights, or the government is slowly infringing on those rights. I understand times are different, and people are trying to follow government advice. But, if we don’t know our rights, the government will walk all over us. I will never be forced to wear a mask in public. I don’t like things on my face, and it makes me feel claustrophobic. I hated it the two minutes I was forced to wear it for a family picture Easter Sunday. I couldn’t get my mask off fast enough. We do not live in a communist country. If we allow the government to control our actions, we will be Communist. The United States was built on the idea of freedom. People need to know what those freedoms are, so they can stand up for them if they are being infringed upon. Here is information on the Constitution and The Bill of Rights, so if you need to educate yourself, you can: https://www.whitehouse.gov/about-the-white-house/the-constitution/
6. My family is extremely forgiving of others. We are accepting, but cautious, of people who have caused us hurt. While it’s the right thing to forgive people, I am not systematically going to let them hurt me either. God doesn’t want people to use, abuse, or manipulate others. Sometimes, we must deal with people who have hurt us, but we don’t have to continue letting them hurt us. We don’t have to be victims of our pasts. As one of my favorite church leaders, Jeffrey R. Holland stated, “The past is to be learned from but not lived in.” I do not condemn people for their past, but this is a gentle reminder God is the only judge. I need to help people better themselves, no matter the mistakes they have made. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. No one ever will be. Forgiveness is key for a good life. I read a quote recently which said, “Many turn away from Jesus because of a bad experience with religious people. We must remind them that Jesus also had a bad experience with religious people…He was crucified by them.” I hope I never cause anyone a bad experience.
   
7. The government should not oversee healthcare. I felt this when I lived with socialized healthcare in Greece and saw how unsatisfactory the system was. This healthcare crisis has shown why governments shouldn’t have a hand in healthcare—they don’t know what they are doing. While the current US health system is greatly flawed, I still have the choice to go to the doctor I want and pay for the services I want. You won’t convince me of the goodness of government-run healthcare. I have lived in a socialist country, and I have seen how much socialism hurts the citizens when it intended to help them.
8. Music is powerful. Good music transcends time and place. Recently, I have been jamming out to Boy Band music. The Backstreet Boys and *NSync have helped me smile during difficult times. “I Want it That Way” has been a favorite. I have practiced my karaoke skills…when I am on walks, I have seen a few looks while I sing Shania or Whitney dancing down the street. Even though I can’t go to a concert, I loved seeing Dierks perform a couple times from his home; seeing him in his element makes him more authentic. I loved his dive-kitchen concert. While worship music has never been my favorite, on Easter Sunday, I listened to worship music to lift my spirits, two songs struck me: “You Were There” by Avalon (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EmXTSqOpzo) and “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury, which has been special to me since my dad was baptized on Easter Sunday two years ago (https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=reckless+love).
9. While I have worked out at home for a few years, it has become difficult to stay motivated. Guido doesn’t like walks—never has and at 15, he never will. He fights me almost every step of walks. He is ready for lockdown to be over, so he doesn’t have to walk almost every day. Though, he does enjoy core day. He tries to sit on me while I am on the floor. Most days I exercise. I have stayed focused and lost a few pounds. That wasn’t the plan, but it happened.
10. I am grateful I am done with school. While my classes were all online, I don’t know how well I would have concentrated on schoolwork during containment. When I was in school, I worked full time during the day and did a few hours of schoolwork at night. It created structure and helped me focus. If I were in school now, it would be a struggle. I don’t know how I would cope being at home all day, trying to fit school in the mix. I understand how students, who never have done online classes are struggling and are even withdrawing for the semester. Online classes are difficult. With the chaos of the current situation, I can’t imagine how people are doing it. I keep in contact with friends from school, so I see their struggle. I am cheering for them.
11. God is not punishing people by taking away sports, music, entertainment, etc. I am tired of religious people stating this, as if it’s fact—saying so is attributing man’s ideas to God. Plus, sports and other entertainment was not taken away—just paused. In time, sports, concerts, parties, etc. will come back. I am looking forward to a sports season, condensed or not, to take my mind off the things of the world. And these things haven’t really gone away—musicians are still playing concerts from their homes. Sports news is still happening. Plus, we can watch old games we may have forgotten about. Even though I know what happens, watching old Jordan games is still magical. I am watching the Packers’ Superbowl win over the Steelers because I don’t remember a lot about the game because Hannah and Brady were both in the hospital. My dad has watched this year’s Superbowl at least 20 times, lol. Our forms of entertainment still happen, just more creatively.
12. There are always ways to entertain ourselves. Every day I wear a different pair of leggings. I didn’t realize I had so many pairs. I have worn almost all the pairs I own, except for the holiday pairs. Though, I wore my Easter leggings on Easter Sunday. Basically, all I have left are sports and holiday leggings. I spent time reading, writing, coloring in color books, and doing word finds. I helped my mom babysit the twins—I taught them some school. I assisted my mom in making facemasks for our entire family and healthcare workers. Later this week, we are working on some crafting projects. There are always new things to learn, and things I can do to improve myself and the world around me.

As Easter came, I got dressed up. I know no one saw, but it made me feel better. Eventually, life will go back to normal-ish. We will go to the beach and to restaurants with our friends. Some people will always be weary of being in public. The way we do some things will change. Hopefully, for the better. For now, people are doing their best. We need to be understanding and gentle with others, especially those who are different from us. Like all hard times, this too shall pass. I hope we are better for the hard times.