A New Decade, New Goals

A decade is an odd concept. It’s an arbitrary period of time people place on their lives to give it meaning and structure.

2010- The last time a new decade started. At the time I was living in Utah, and thought I was happy, even though I knew that’s not where I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I was dating the man I thought I was going to marry—we spent late nights with our legs intertwined, talking about our future family. Then, one day, after we had gone out, he stood at my door and told me he didn’t want to date me anymore. I didn’t want him to see me cry, so I shut the door on him. I was up that entire night thinking: what went wrong, what happened, etc. I didn’t understand. Before I went to work the next day I sent him a long text message (this was back when you had to type each letter) trying to get answers, but I never got any. I was devastated on many levels, and I wasn’t sure what to do.

I moved back home in 2011 after spending almost a year avoiding him. I knew I couldn’t avoid him at home because we were both from the same town and our dads were best friends. I wanted to be home. I always miss North Carolina when I am away. I did a good job not seeing him. I would not go to events I knew he would be at. When his dad passed away, I didn’t go to the funeral because I was away at school in Wilmington. I held on to hope he would realize his mistake and want to date again; that we could have the future we had planned. I am ashamed to admit for too long.  I felt God had told me we were going to be together. I knew because he believed what I did, he would realize I was his person, eventually.

When I moved to Holly Springs in 2014, my friend and I wanted to go to a concert in Virginia. He lived there, so I texted him to see if the concert venue was worth going to. He invited me to stay at his place and flirted with me. I found out he had a girlfriend. When I found out, I was angry. Not just for me, but for his girlfriend, too. He was talking to me like he didn’t have one. Not cool. My friend and I decided not to go to the concert because I didn’t want to be around him. A few weeks later, he was engaged. Then, he deleted me from his friends list. I knew we could not be friends. I didn’t want to be his friend. I would never trust him. Honestly, if I wanted him back, I could have gotten him back. I realized I hadn’t wanted him back in a long time.

In the time since we’ve broken up, I have realized things about that relationship, about myself, and about life. He and I would have been “happy” together, but I feel like a relationship would have been a lot of work. I don’t mind if I have to work in the relationship I end up in, I just don’t want to work to be happy. The realization came that even though I felt God had told me we were going to be together, that doesn’t mean he felt the same prompting, and he still had a choice. God is not going to force people to fall into His plans. He may guide us into those plans, but He will not force us.

The struggle to be happy would have come because I don’t feel I was my real self when I dated him. I wanted to be with him, so I did the things he wanted to do—we watched movies, we ate out a lot, we always went to his house, etc. Things that weren’t my favorite, but I did them because I thought I was being a good girlfriend. One thing that still irks me: I love sports; I felt I couldn’t watch them when I was with him. Sports make me who I am; I have many memories of great sports moments. Not being able to watch sports like I like would have changed who I am. There was no compromise in our relationship. He didn’t do it intentionally. I was afraid of losing him, so I did what he wanted. I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it at the time. No one is to blame; it was a life lesson I needed to learn. Relationships are a two-way street, and they require crucial conversations and compromises from both people.

He lacked ambition. At the time I excused it, saying he had just returned from a church mission, and he hadn’t decided what he wanted to do. Last I heard he still hasn’t chosen a career. This is 10 years later. I would have struggled because I am an ambitious person, and he wasn’t. I like working, and I would be fine supporting a family if I needed to, but I need a man who works and is driven. Lack of ambition is a deal breaker for me, and it’s fair since I bring both of those things to the table. Plus, if I were to have children, I would want to stay home with them until they were in school. I had a stay-at-home mom growing up, and I wanted the same for my children. Obviously, that was a talk a future spouse and I would have to have if the situation arose.

Not all of the blame for my 2010 relationship expectations fall on him. I was subscribing to the cultural norms I was living in. I thought he would provide me that ideal life. At the time, I thought that’s what I wanted. My friends had that life; they looked happy, so I wanted that life, too. I have since realized I would not have been happy in that life. I am not cookie cutter, and I am not meant to fit into a definable box. That utopian lifestyle would have been work to be happy, and happiness shouldn’t have to be work. I had loved him. He is part of my past, and I do not regret the time we spent together. There are good memories of the time we dated that make me smile.

Even though I know we were not right for each other, it doesn’t mean his dismissal of me and my feelings hasn’t impacted me. I allowed his actions to hurt me, and I avoided relationships for a while. I didn’t want to allow the possibility of being vulnerable and get hurt again into my life. I still have difficulty with vulnerability. Even with people I am not dating. I avoided relationships for a long time after he broke my heart. While I know I could be happy on my own, I know my life would be better if I let someone in to get to know me.

I know I am difficult. I have been told I am intimidating, which also makes me weary of opening up to people. If I do open up, I often overthink the actions which led to the decision to do so. Honestly, I’d rather not have to deal with the anxiety of opening myself up and the potential of getting hurt. I know that’s not the right way to look at things, which is why I am working on it. I do want to be vulnerable with people, but it’s hard. I am happy with myself, so it will take effort for me to let someone into my life. I want to open my heart and let someone in without regretting or overthinking the decision.

All of this reflection made me think of how I want this decade to be different. This blog is the accountability of my goals, so people know about them. I read there are 7 areas of your life you should set goals in. They are: 1) health/physical, 2) business/career/vocation, 3) psychological-thinking and feeling, 4) relationships, 5) financial, 6) recreational/fun/leisure, and 7) spiritual. I decided to focus on 3 goals in each category for the year.  

I’ve done a lot of research on goal setting because it helps me accomplish things. I credit my ability to set and reach goals as the reason behind why I finished my PhD in less than 4 years. There are 6 steps to any goal: 1) write your goals down clearly, 2) determine what you are willing to sacrifice to reach your goals, 3) set a deadline to reach your goals, 4) develop a clear plan, 5) create a clear concise statement of steps 1-4 and read it to yourself every day in the morning and at night, and 6) visualize your goals happening. It’s wise to set smaller goals to reach your bigger ones. This may mean daily, weekly, monthly, and quarterly goals. Do what works for you. Daily remind yourself of your goal. Have an accountability system. Be consistent. Journal about your goals to help you see what you have accomplished (which is difficult for me).

Health

1. Workout more. Follow through at least 5/6 days, and make sure to exercise core daily.
2. Go to sleep earlier, so I can get 7.5 hours of sleep, instead of the 5.5-6 I have been getting.
3. Be more consistent about the eating rules I already have in place.

Business

1. Take 4 continuing education courses throughout the year—one each quarter of the year. I hope to find ones about policy subjects I can influence through my education.
2. Become acquainted with APA Manual 7, so I can use it in my professional life however I need.
3. Create and implement a job plan to have a position by the end of the year.

Psychological

1. Say no less and yes more.
2. Develop a “growth mindset” and think positive daily. Replace irrational, unrealistic, self-defeating thoughts with reality-based, and hope-inspiring thoughts.
3. Invest in bettering the life of 2 people in tangible ways.

Relationships

1. Work on communication skills to be more open and honest with others, which means I will have to be vulnerable with others.
2. Spend less time on social media and on my phone. Make sure posts are positive and uplifting for others.
3. Make time to volunteer—at least 5 hours a month—in many different ways.

Financial

1. Put 10% of every paycheck into savings.
2. Begin to pay off college debt.
3. Be less frugal, and utilize my money more by spending it wisely, giving it to charity, and helping people in need.

Recreational

1. Go on two vacations—one each half of the year.
2. Read 20 books this year.
3. Learn and master a new hobby by the end of the year.

Spiritual

1. Spend at least 15 minutes in spiritual reflection daily to have less doubt and more faith.
2. Complete 50 plans on Bible app this year.
3. Meditate 15 minutes daily.

I completed my 2019 goal of writing a poem a day. I have started editing the poems, and my goal is to publish them by March. My goal is also to be more present when I am with people, and to be pleasant to the people I do not care for. They still deserve respect because they are human beings, even if I can’t see what is worthwhile in them; other people do see those aspects. I am sure more goals will arise as the year progresses. These are not resolutions. I do not believe in resolutions; they are goals. The intent of them is to make me a better person. I have 366 days to be a better person, and I want to strive all of those days to be a better person than the day before. I also want to inspire people in my life to do the same. This will help me grow and challenge myself to accomplish new things.

In that vein, if I can help you set and accomplish goals in any way, please let me know. I talked to my brother-in-law Zach today about starting a Youtube channel to do so. I am not sure where to start. I am not sure I want to record. I feel like I am awkward in front of a camera, and as I have stated before I hate my voice.  I like to share my growth and knowledge with others because I want to help people live better lives in any way I can.  That is the reason I want to become a professor, so I can help shape the lives of future generations.

I know I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I have proven it in my life already. I know I can continue to do so. I just want to hold myself accountable. I am starting this new decade off right—my feisty, fearless self. I will not let anything hold me down or hold me back. My 2020 theme song this year is “The Mountain,” by Dierks Bentley, but that’s a story for another time. The video and song really inspired me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MNKUPR6btY

 I hope you have a great first year of the decade! I hope you accomplish all your goals, too. Here’s to a fantastic 2020’s!