Confession

I chose the title for this month’s blog because of the connotation of the word confession in religious terminology.  I want to be open and honest about my religious experience and what brought me to where I am in life. I don’t know why this subject has been on my mind the last few days, but clearly, I need to write about it.

I grew up in the LDS (Mormon) Church. This is a fact that I didn’t tell a lot of people. Not because I was ashamed, but I didn’t want to answer the questions that came along with it: how many moms do you have?; Do you pray to rocks?; Do you believe Joseph Smith was Jesus Christ? Now, don’t get me wrong, some of the questions were sincere. When my sister Hannah got baptized in the church, our sweet neighbors, the Lefflers, asked if they could give her jewelry for her baptism. They didn’t know if we could wear jewelry. LDS churchgoers can wear jewelry. In fact, the church sells CTR (“Choose The Right”) rings. However, LDS members do not wear crosses around their neck, as the general belief is that the emphasis should be on the Resurrection and not Jesus’ death. I have a beautiful one I wear around Easter time.

I was baptized into the Church when I was eight. It was a glorious day. I waited for my Uncle John to return from his mission. He was my favorite person in the world at the time, and I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather have do it. My Grandma Teri spoke of repentance, and I received my first set of scriptures. They had my name engraved in them: Morgan Laine Lehman. Grandma and Grandpa always gave scriptures to their grandchildren when they were baptized. I cried when my basement room got flooded, and I had to throw away those scriptures from Grandma and Grandpa, but I still have the message she wrote me on the front cover. That message is very important to me. It tells me about Jesus Christ, and why it is important to read the scriptures.

My struggles with religion did not begin until I was about twelve. The girls in my Young Women group were not the kindest to me, and I didn’t feel like I belonged. Most of the time, I spent my first year and a half in the Nursery, hiding out during Young Women. Until Rachael came along. She had the same difficulties I was having. Her mom told my mom, and we became friends. My time in Young Women the rest of the time I lived in Minnesota was easier. The struggles never went away though. The Young Women group in North Carolina was very close after the Ward split, and some of the girls that were in that group remain some of my good friends. I went to college at Southern Virginia University—although not an LDS college, a majority of the student body there was LDS. I really flourished there—I met a lot of like-minded friends, dated boys who wanted the same thing as me, was a leader in Relief Society (a women’s organization in the Church), and grew spiritually. After I left SVU, I attended Meredith in Raleigh, then moved to Greece, then lived in Raleigh, then moved to Utah (“The Mormon Bubble”), UNCW, Pennsylvania, and now, back home. My religiousness ebbed and flowed during this time. I never really lost sight in what I believed as far as Church was concerned, but I still struggled. Personally…  

You see, I’ve always thought of myself as a more spiritual than religious person, and while I have always believed the teachings of the LDS Church to be true, I struggled with the people of the religion. I felt judged, even though nothing was/is wrong with me. I never quite fit the “mold” of what a LDS girl is. I didn’t want to get married young—in fact, I wasn’t sure I wanted to even get married at all. I didn’t want to have children. I wanted to have a career and travel and be me. I dated several returned missionaries, but it never felt right. All great guys, but not what I wanted in life. I never felt like I fit in, and I tried—I tried hard. Something always felt off. On 9/10/11, I was endowed as a member of the LDS church, and I lived the good LDS life for a long time. I still have the special attire you get when you are endowed, I just don’t wear them. In my heart, I can’t believe God would shun me for exposing my shoulders and wearing shorts cut above the knee. I don’t show a lot of skin, but I show more than the garments allow.

Until Easter two years ago, I had stopped going to Church. My Bishop (religious leader) and Ward in Pennsylvania were unwelcoming and cold, and I stopped going to church. They really put me off. That’s not a good reason not to attend, but it was my reason. I never really felt like I belonged in my Holly Springs Ward. (I thought I could do it on my own. I did try to pray every day and to read my scriptures, but I struggled.) On Easter Sunday, my dad asked me to go to church with him. He had started going to a non-denominational church called Bridgepointe, down the road from our house. My dad was never a churchgoer. He would attend when I was younger, but he was never really into religion or going to church. But I had seen a change in him since he started going to Bridgepointe. He wanted to go to church. He wanted people to come to church with him. He was developing a relationship with Christ. Then, Easter Sunday 2018, my dad committed his life to Jesus Christ and was baptized. All throughout my childhood and even into my adult years, I didn’t think I would ever witness that moment, and when I did, I cried like a baby. I was more proud of my dad than I had ever been before. I love that man, and to see the changes Jesus Christ had made in his life were amazing! He was a good man before, but with Jesus on his side, I knew he’d be even better.

My dad really wanted me to attend Bridgepointe with him, and even though I did not consistently go, I did learn a lot from the people and the Pastor, Tommy Hart. Sometimes, my social anxiety causes me to avoid public situations, even ones I find enjoyable. Being around people often in overwhelming, and I need to retreat. Bridgepointe was different from any other church I had been to before—it had a band and live music for worship. I am used to hearing the spirit in quiet environments, so being surrounded by loud music was something I had to get used to. I also have never used anything but the King James Version of the Bible, and at times, I feel like the translated versions change the meaning of the words. So, I bring my King James Version with me. The auditorium is dark, and with my sensory issues, it is hard to focus, but I have learned to do it. There are things that I really appreciate about Bridgepointe, as well. One of the biggest mantras of Bridgepointe is: “We are better together.” I have never felt judged or like I don’t belong. Every time I go, even if I haven’t been in a long time, I feel comfortable. I really appreciate how honest Pastor Tommy is. He uses himself as an example in his sermons, and his examples humanize him. I appreciate that because it’s often easy to see a religious leader as more perfect than you.

I have learned things about myself through this experience as well.

• I often judged people, even though I disliked that about my religious upbringing. Not necessarily as sinners or bad people, but I wouldn’t be friends/associate with them for poor decisions, and that’s not right. People aren’t perfect. I am not perfect, so who am I to judge? I have done things in my life that I wouldn’t want people to know I have done. I don’t want people to judge me for my past. People are not their past. Past mistakes don’t make people who they are today. And if I judge people on their past mistakes, I will never get to know who they are now, and I might miss a chance to get to know someone amazing if I judge them. Look for the good in people, and that’s what you will get.
• God doesn’t love me any less if I have a cup of coffee or a drink of alcohol every once in a while. The LDS church teaches that these drinks are bad because they have addictive qualities. There is even some debate about soda. In fact, when I lived in Utah, you couldn’t buy root beer with caffeine. I am not a big drinker of coffee or alcohol because I do like to be in charge of my faculties. However, every now and then, I will have one or the other. I am lucky, I don’t have an addictive personality, so I have one drink, and I am done. (Except for my most recent birthday, I had a couple on an empty stomach and was emotional, so I was slightly tipsy. I found myself annoying, so never again.) Usually, that one drink has a splash of alcohol, and is mostly whatever the mix is. Admittedly, I have felt the peer pressure to drink and have done so, but generally, if I am out, and I don’t want a drink, I don’t have one. I also won’t do this again.
• People who love you will love you no matter what—whether you are struggling with your religious belief in waning or strong, the people that matter most will be by your side. God loves us all the same. We are all His children, and He loves us like any father would.
• People have to find God on their own. I am not bothered by my friends and family that still attend LDS Church. As I said before, I believe in the teachings of the LDS Church. Just because I didn’t feel like I belonged, doesn’t mean they don’t. Who am I to tell them how to find/believe in Jesus Christ? Religion/spirituality is personal. As long as that religious/spiritual belief is not hurting anyone, I say let people live how they see fit. It is my belief that God loves all His children no matter how they find/seek Him.
• God speaks to us, we just have to listen. Sometimes, it’s a gut feeling; sometimes it’s a still, quiet voice. We just have to hear that voice, and follow it to the best of our ability. In December, I had a really difficult time. I felt emotionally overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, and sadness. I know these feelings are not from God, and I need to learn to depend on Him during the times these feelings arise. Those feelings come from the enemy, and are there to lead us off the path we are intended to be on.
• Focus on the positive in your life, not the bad. Your attitude and perspective will change. It’s an amazing feeling to be thankful for what you have, and not be jealous or frustrated for what you don’t have.In 2019, I am trying to be more positive. I know I can achieve this. I am trying meditation and mindfulness. I recently watched a documentary entitled, “The Secret,” which I would highly recommend to others. It’s on Netflix. I wish y’all the best for a great year. If you need anything, I am hear for you!