Grief

Grief is something we all experience in life.  According to Psychology Today, “Grief is the acute pain that accompanies loss. Because it is a reflection of what we love, it can feel all-encompassing. Grief is not limited to the loss of people, but when it follows the loss of a loved one, it may be compounded by feelings of guilt and confusion, especially if the relationship was a difficult one.” Grief is Universal, but is also very personal-you may cry, shout, withdraw, etc. None of these feelings are abnormal, and none of them are wrong. Unlike physical pain, grief is pain of the soul/spirit. 

There is no one way to grieve and no trajectory—no one can tell another person when or how to grieve. Grief ebbs and flows. Grief is not linear. Sometimes, you circle back to an aspect of grief you thought you passed through. Grief has no time limit. You may not experience all the emotions associated with grief. You may also experience more than one at one time.  

Avoiding, ignoring, or denying yourself the ability to express your grief may help you dissociate from the pain of your loss, but holding it in, will not make it disappear. You cannot avoid grief forever. Over time, unresolved feelings of grief can become physical/emotional manifestations that impact your health. To heal from loss and move on, you must face it. If you struggle to process grief, there is no shame in seeking a mental health processional to help you navigate your grief.  

That is why we often hear “The 5 Stages of Grief” or simply “The Stages of Grief (because some people/experts think there is 5-7).” If you have ever experienced grief, you have experienced these stages. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (guilt, etc.).  

#1- Denial– Grief is an overwhelming emotion. It is not unusual to respond to the strong and often sudden feelings by pretending the loss or change is not happening. If you deny something, it gives you more time to process the loss. Denial is a common defense mechanism and allows you to numb yourself from the intensity of the situation. However, you cannot live in the denial stage, and as you move out of the denial stage, the emotions you have been hiding will begin to rise. You will be confronted with a lot of sorrow you have denied. That is also part of the journey of grief, but it can be difficult. 

#2- Anger– Instead of a defense mechanism, anger is a way to mask all the feelings you may be feeling. You may direct your anger towards a person or an inanimate object. While your rational brain knows the object of your anger is not to blame for your grief, your feelings in that moment are too intense to act according to rationality. You may feel bitterness, resentment, fury, or rage. Not everyone will experience this stage of grief. Others may linger here. As the anger subsides, however, you may begin to think more rationally about what is happening and feel the emotions you have been pushing aside. 

#3- Bargaining- Grief is often a loss of control, and you may feel vulnerable and helpless. Bargaining is our attempt to regain control. We do this by creating “what if” or “if only” situations. Bargaining is a line of defense against the emotions of grief. It helps you postpone the sadness, confusion, or hurt. 

#4- Depression– Some may consider stages 1-3 as active; depression may be considered passive or quiet. You may also choose to isolate yourself from others to fully cope with the loss. Depression is not easily or well defined. Like the other stages of grief, depression can be difficult and messy. It can feel overwhelming. You may feel foggy, heavy, and confused. Depression may feel like the inevitable landing point of any loss, but if you feel stuck or cannot seem to move past this stage of grief, you can talk with a mental health expert. A therapist can help you work through this period of coping. 

#5- Acceptance- Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage of grief.  Accepting your loss does not mean you have moved past the grief or loss, but it does mean that you have accepted it and have come to understand what it means in your life now. You may feel vastly different in this stage. That is expected. Your life has recently, majorly changed, and that causes many, complex emotions. Acceptance is a way to see there are good days as well as bad days, but the good outweigh the bad. Bad days will happen still, and that’ s okay. 

The seven stages of grief are another popular model for explaining the many complicated experiences of loss. These seven stages include: 

• Shock and denial: This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings. 
• Pain and guilt: You may feel that the loss is unbearable and that you are making other people’s lives harder because of your feelings and needs. 
• Anger and bargaining: You may lash out, telling God or a higher power that you will do anything they ask if they will only grant you relief from these feelings or this situation. 
• Depression: This may be a period of isolation and loneliness during which you process and reflect on the loss. 
• The upward turn: At this point, the stages of grief like anger and pain have died down, and you are left in a more calm and relaxed state. 
• Reconstruction and working through: You can begin to put pieces of your life back together and move forward. 
• Acceptance and hope: This is a very gradual acceptance of the new way of life and a feeling of possibility for the future. 

*I personally like this model better because it is more positive and hopeful. It is also more realistic. 

Grief is a natural emotion we experience when going through a loss. While everyone experiences grief differently, identifying the various stages of grief can help you anticipate and comprehend some of the reactions you may experience throughout the grieving process. Additionally, it can help you understand what you need while you are grieving, and how you can act to help work through the stages. Understanding the grieving process can help you work towards acceptance and healing. KEY: NO ONE experiences the same thing. Grief is very personal, and you may feel something different each time you experience loss. Healing takes time. Grief is normal, and part of the human experience—so utilize other humans to help you navigate your grief. 

Having recently experienced the loss of my beloved Bambi, I am going through the stages of grief.  I have been angry at my parents because I did not get to say goodbye to her, and they made the decision to put her to sleep. (I believe we should have let her decide when she wanted to die). The situation is complex, and they felt like they did was right, even if I didn’t agree with their decision. It’s messy. It’s complex. I am trying to work through the resentment of their decision.  I have woken up in the middle of the night, and reached for her, and cried because she was not there. I ordered a stuffed animal replica of her (it does look creepily like her). I know she is not coming back, but that does not make it easier. I have cried myself to sleep. I wanted to lock myself away and cry the weekend after she passed, but I could not. Life had to and must go on, even if she is not here. I have experienced loss before: my Grandma, my best friend, Rachel, and Gudo. Each time it has been difficult, and even years later, it still hits me sometimes, but I know I can survive my grief because I have done it before.