Isolation

Cash won the “Ray of Sunshine” Award at school this week. Kayla said, “He’s like his Auntie Moe.” I didn’t feel that way. I don’t always feel that way. I hope people feel I make their lives better. I will admit I struggle with people; I struggle a lot with people. For many reasons—reasons I am guilty of myself. Reasons why I avoid social (people) situations.. If I go out socially, it’s usually a place I feel comfortable, with people I know. Still, I usually have an exit strategy. Even at family events, I get overwhelmed at times. So, I hide away. It’s more than just shyness or being an introvert. I recognize this about myself, and I know I can isolate myself. With my dissertation work, I have a reason to do so. It’s a very isolating activity. I am trying hard not to be an isolationist. If I know a social event is coming up that’s uncomfortable, or I haven’t experienced before, I prepare for it for some time before—emotionally and psychologically.

For these reasons, I do go out in social situations. This is why I choose and love to serve people. When I am outside of myself, I can hold a conversation with anyone, and I love to. I just have to want to, and admittedly, I usually don’t. I have been lucky to be part of a family that has participated in activities that have forced me out of my comfort zone. I’ve made some good friends because of being pushed. Still, I need “me,” “hermit” time to decompress after these events. It took me two days after Mom Prom. Sometimes, I am withdrawn when I go out socially, even if I am comfortable. I recognize it, and I feel bad. I am working on it. I feel especially bad when I am with people I know, love, and trust. Sometimes, my uncomfortableness comes across negatively. Last night, Brady made a comment about my negativity at a social event. I was really happy to be there, just uncomfortable. I knew all the people there. In the back of my mind, I knew there would be hugging and a lot of talking. My uncomfortable feeling came off poorly. And forget about how I look in pictures in social situations—always awkward. People are bursting my personal space bubble. I feel awkward, and it shows. Really shows. I come off as judgey, grumpy, or angry—I’ve heard it all. I am none of those. I am actually quite happy, and I don’t judge people (I learned that lesson—thanks Illy). It hurts my feelings when people say those things, but I am trying to remember that’s probably what I am displaying, so that’s what they perceive.

This week was a particularly difficult people week. Sunday, I had to end a longtime friendship, which was both difficult and necessary.  My circle of people is already small, so to tighten it and make it smaller, is a big deal. That circle, added value by closing it a little. The people in that circle know deep truths about me, which they’ve learned by getting to know me. I do not hide things from the world. I am an open book, but there are some things (a lot of things, actually) I only share with specific people. If you violate my trust, you are out of the circle. I don’t want to cut people out, but sometimes it’s necessary. I also expressed how I was feeling about a particular situation, and I didn’t feel like my feelings were listened to. It’s always difficult for me when I take the time to express myself, and I don’t feel like my feelings were heard. In today’s society, all too often we overlook what people are telling us when they express their feelings—there are many reasons why this happens, and it shouldn’t. We need to make sure people feel validated. We need to be aware of what people are telling us.

I haven’t really communicated with anyone this week—not even my family because I was avoiding people. I was hurt and felt betrayed. I know all people didn’t do what my one friend did, but it felt that way. I know avoidance is not how I should handle things, but it’s how I did this week; how I usually do. It’s not you; it’s me. If I reached out to you, you are important to me. I need you in my life. In my isolationist periods I recognize people might not respond back (maybe they are isolating themselves like me). If people don’t respond, I don’t think they are ghosting me. I know people are busy. They have jobs and lives. I am good at answering messages (usually) because I answer them when I see them; I don’t want to forget them and have people feel like I forget them or am ignoring them (unless I am, but then they would know). I do not chase after people, so if someone doesn’t answer, I will try again in a few days.

In the last year, it has been my goal to be outside of myself more—to be more in the world, which is why I still have Facebook. I can comfortably socialize with people. Recently, I have started deleting people  from my social media because I don’t really know them. I have met them through various life experiences. Just because you know someone, doesn’t mean they need to be your friend, even on social media. This reduction is continuing slowly. I  kept my Facebook for a long time, only because I have connections all around the world from my time in Greece. (This is one reason I still keep it today.). When my Illy closed his account, I seriously contemplated closing mine, but for some reason I didn’t. He and I still talk regularly, though with his job it has become somewhat difficult, but I hear from him when he can. You make time for the people that are important to you. I am hoping I can see him at my graduation party.

I also keep social media because, as a writer, it’s a good avenue to get my writing out into the world. Still, some of the most personal things I have written is kept private, or shared with the people the closest to me. Know, if I have written about you, whether I have published the writing or not, you’re important to me.

During my dissertation process, social media has been invaluable in keeping me in contact with people who are going through the same thing as me. Yes, I chose it, but it’s still nice to know other people are going through the same thing. I had a professor tell me that she got a divorce because she isolated herself during her dissertation journey. I knew that wasn’t going to be me. Even though I struggle with people, I know the people in my life will be there when the dissertation ends. There will be a party then—probably in February. I will have an exit plan in place—a place I can hide, take a few minutes, but I’ll be back to spend time with you. It’s not just my party. It’ll be your party, too.

Speaking of my Doctorate, I have my last Residency in about 10 days. For many reasons, because the trip is to Minnesota, I am not looking forward to the trip. I have to share my dissertation with a lot of people I don’t know, and even have to give an oral presentation on it. There will be no escape. I better get used to presenting my dissertation, I will have to do it three more times in the next six months. Though, a majority of the day will be spent alone, writing. My element.  I know when this isolation is happening, I will need a distraction. So feel free… it will be much appreciated. I probably won’t be on social media much that week because I will be busy schooling and adulating. I am hoping at the Residency I can make sure significant progress. My goal end date is November 23 (a date of significance in my life), but if I can be done before that, I will more than happily be done. The end is in sight. I never thought I would get here, but now that I am getting close, the end is starting to feel real. I am getting excited.

I have done a good job at not isolating myself, at balancing my work/school life with a social life. I have even done some things I never thought I would have because people have pushed me to do so. Isolation is comforting, but it’s also not how I want to live. I can’t learn and grow if I am always on my own. In the next 6 months, there will probably be times when I isolate myself. I am finishing my life’s work, and at times, it will all of my life. But it’s almost done. A couple weeks ago, a friend asked me out, and I told him no when I really wanted to say yes because I was studying. I should have gone. I wanted to go. I am trying to say yes to more social situations. I am trying to be more involved when I am in social situations. I would’ve had fun. Next time, I will. After all, you only live once, and I want to take advantage of this one life I live!