Leaving Church Behind

A few years ago, I was attending a non-denominational church—more so out of duty to my parents, and to a long-engrained belief that Church was the right place to be to be a “good person.” My dad had just been baptized: something I thought would never happen. I had attended LDS (Mormon) Church for years with my siblings and Mom, but my dad never felt like he belonged. I went faithfully to my LDS Ward from before the time I was baptized (8) until I was in my college years. I was endowed in an LDS Temple on 9/10/11 (intentional), which demonstrated your commitment to covenant with God. At the time of your Temple Endowment, you receive your Temple Garments—a physical sign on your commitment. 

Shortly after my second time at the temple (2012), which was uncomfortable for me, I began to question things that made me feel uncomfortable to me about Church, but beyond that, religion. Yet, I continued to “press on” to be a GOOD GIRL—whatever that means. Covid really solidified my separation from Church/religion. I remember watching the General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS/Mormon), which is a worldwide gathering of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Church leaders from around the world share messages, or sermons, focused on Jesus Christ and His gospel. Since my days in Young Women (12-18), I had journaled during General Conference, receiving what I thought was personal revelation from the messages. During one of the talks, I questioned some of the leaders’ words.  The speeches seemed over-political and rubbed me funny. One was urging people to get vaccinated for Covid (which I didn’t feel comfortable with because I didn’t feel enough research on the vaccine had been done). I am a firm believer in separation of Church and State, and this wasn’t it. I have never watched Conference since. 

Around the same time, I reconnected with some college friends, who I had met at the small, LDS-associated school we attended. Like me, they were feeling uncomfortable with things happening in the Church. We had many good discussions. One of them chose to be Wiccan, and the other is a Certified Spiritual Coach. We all had a spiritual awakening on sorts, though we went in 3 different directions. I feel like I am still searching for what I believe spirituality, but I know I don’t believe in Church or Religion. 

I was born a questioner. I have an inquisitive mind, and while I tried to just follow along the teachings of religion, there were many things that didn’t sit well with me. Here’s why: because religion and Church is a man driven. I have learned that God/the Universe/The Great Power is different for everyone, and every individual must figure out what that means for them. Churches and religions tell people what to believe, but they aren’t following God’s word—they are preaching their (man’s) interpretation of God’s word. This is why I believe there are so many sects/religions. As you age, your opinions/thoughts/ideals change—life causes adaptation and flexing.  

Reflecting on things, I have learned a lot about myself and what I do and don’t believe. Things I swore I would always believe in, and never change my opinion about, but I have changed my opinion about—because the truth is, life isn’t black and white—and the-lack-of-gray in religion is one of my biggest issues. There is no absolute right or absolute wrong. Morality, for me, exists on a spectrum. What may be right for me, could be wrong for you, and vice versa. Plus, there are too many outside factors to determine what is 100% one-way or another. In psychological terms, there is no collective consciousness. This is why there are so many philosophies on religion.  

In my journey to find what I believe, I have discovered more about what I no longer believe, so I thought I would share what I have learned about myself, and religion, along the way. I recently read the book The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt, which argues that religion helps people be happier, but it’s a groupthink happiness. Indeed, the definition of religion is, “a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices; a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith, and scrupulous conformity” (Meriam-Webster). Religion can be person, yet I am weary about the words “institutionalized” an “conformity.” 

In discovering my own religion, this is what I have discovered separately than anything I was taught.  

1. We were not all made to “multiply and replenish” the Earth. The LDS Church teaches the sanctity of marriage. Boy meets girl after going on a mission (2 years dedicated to teaching the word of God), they get married shortly thereafter (months), and they start having babies. I remember when I was a youth, and I thought that I would get married at 24, which is old in LDS cultural standards, and that we would be happy and live together forever. When I was 23, I dated someone I thought I could marry—he had been on a mission, we liked each other, etc., but I wasn’t sure I wanted to have babies. And for sure, not lots of babies. I was thinking 3, and until they were in school, I would be a stay-at-home mom and then work when they got into school. Yeah, none of that sounds appealing—I would have been born out-of-my-mind not working. I like work. I like being active and busy. Staying at home, raising children, was not what I was meant to do. And the “good LDS RM” (Returned Missionary) that I was seriously dating, wasn’t as good as his missionary service would lead people to believe. Thankfully, he recognized we weren’t right for each other because we probably would’ve done the “right” thing, got married, and not happy. It took me a long time to realize I wouldn’t have made him happy, and he wouldn’t have made me happy. We are better off not together—I wish him all the best. Plus, IMO getting married at 23 would have been a big mistake—I didn’t know who I was. I am sure he didn’t. I am sure neither of us is the same person we were then; I know, for sure I am not. That’s the beauty of life: every day we learn and grow and change.  
2. Living with someone before you’re married isn’t as bad as religion/churches make it to be. When I returned to Greece the second time, my roommate was my friend, Ilya. There was no funny business going on. We weren’t attracted to each other. We were 2 friends living together. When I was living with him, I didn’t tell people because I didn’t want people to judge me for living with a man I wasn’t married to, but I don’t think God cares who you live with if you have a safe place to live. I am not a believer in living with someone before you’re married, if you’re serious about one another, but that’s due to psychological reasoning, not moral.  
3. While also not a firm-believer in sleeping around, I don’t think God/the Supreme Being/Jesus Christ (whoever you believe in) condemns people who have more than one partner throughout their life. I think everyone’s sexuality is different, and that’s up to them to decide. 
4. Caffeine isn’t bad. Okay, so in the LDS Church, the Word of Wisdom is a revealed principle from God that forbids alcohol, tea, and coffee. Since its introduction in 1833, caffeine in all forms has been included Ifor a long time, no caffeine was available on BYU’s campus). The truth of this revelation was a response to a woman’s complaint about men leaving tobacco and coffee cups around for her to clean up. I have drunk soda for a long time and added coffee and alcohol to the palette in recent years. I don’t think those things are wholly evil, and I also feel like the sense of the revelation was that all things should be consumed in moderation. There are a lot of people in the LDS Church that consume energy drinks (can be addictive) and are overweight (you can be addicted to food, too). The point it, watch what you eat and drink. I like soda, and sometimes I even crave it, which is why I give it up for Lent every year—to prove to myself I can go over 40 days without it.  
5. Modesty. When I was endowed in the LDS temple, I received my garments, which are undergarments that ensure modesty—meaning everything was covered from neck to knee. I never liked wearing them. In fact, i would find reasons not to wear them. Underwear is not my jam. Especially ones that are sweaty and bunch and roll—they were just uncomfortable. I don’t think I ever truly understood why I was wearing them. Yes, I knew why, but I didn’t KNOW why. I don’t think God will punish people for showing shoulders or knees. A friend, recently visited from Las Vegas, and she told me garments were being made to accommodate cap-sleeved dresses (which a lot of LDS women like wearing). To me, if garments were made to keep people modest, they wouldn’t ever change. Modesty is modesty is modesty. Truthfully, I love wearing my bikini. It probably covers more than my 1-piece ever did. 
6. Churches and The Bible were created by man. That’s why there are so many of them. Yes, most Christian Churches teach relatively the same ideas, but they are all slightly different. This is a pet peeve of mine, LDS (Mormon) people ARE Christians. They believe in Jesus Christ. The name Jesus Christ is in the official name–The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. There are over 450 versions of the English Bible—if those words truly came from God, there would be 1 version. Yes, I know some are simpler, but if that were the case, then there would still only be a few. Then men/women in the Church read their Bible, in whatever-version, and interpret it, their way.  No one can tell another person they’ve sinned, and how they should make penance for said sin. What makes them more qualified to interpret the Bible than you or me? Divinity School—which they paid for? (In LDS Church, leaders are not paid, but “called” to a leadership role). Who gave anyone the authority to tell others how to live? I am more than happy interpreting what I read for myself, and deciding what it means for me and my life. You can read it, and you can decide what it means for yours. In the LDS Church this is known as Personal Revelation. Some call it “gut feeling” or “intuition.” 
7. I am not sure my stance on Jesus. I am figuring that out. I do believe in spirits and souls, and that they are closer than we think/know, and if we stop and listen, they will speak to us. I don’t know how I feel about the afterlife/reincarnation. Again, figuring that out. I would like to believe that there is a purpose to this life, and why we are living it, but I am not sure what that looks like. I do believe spirits live lives for longer than they are on earth, and that’s why we are more connected to some people than others. 
8. Just because your parents believed something, and taught it to you, doesn’t mean you have to believe it. Discover what spirituality/religion means to you, and what it means for your life. In this sense, I believe we are all Gods because we all have control over our own lives/decisions, etc. Some people have never heard of religion/church, so how can they be punished for what they don’t know. I don’t believe my baptism at 8 was meaningful to my lifelong beliefs. At the time, it was significant, but I don’t think I really understood it. I am grateful for the experience, but I wish I had made the decision when I was older.  I went to the temple to make others proud. I never really felt comfortable with being there–there were many symbolic things that happen in the temple, and the LDS Church teaches the opposite (it felt contradictory to me, so much so that I never felt the spirit inside because I felt it was wrong). Probably why I only went 2x after being endowed. I don’t believe the things that happen in the temple really impact our souls in the next life. You can’t proxy someone else’s religious beliefs. Time and all eternity is a long time, and you can’t predict what other souls (let alone, yours) will do in this life or the next. Things that occur in the temple always made my soul feel uncomfortable, and the temple is meant to be a place of rest/peace/relaxation. 
9. Religion isn’t bad. Just because it doesn’t work for me, doesn’t me in can’t work for you. Some people need the structure religion and church provide. Some people need the community. When I went to the non-denominational Church I went to after leaving the LDS Church, I tried Small Groups, but I never really felt like I belong. I never really enjoyed them. Some people crave them and look forward to going every week. I enjoy solace. 
10. I do not enjoy worship music. It is cheesy to me. I love music. LDS hymnals were boring and outdated, but I thought the worship music at other churches was loud and irreverent. That’s not to say I never felt the spirit listening to them, but most of them I didn’t enjoy. 
11. Mind your business. If someone goes to a Church, or is part of a religion they enjoy, let them enjoy it. If it’s not hurting anyone, then let them live their lives. Generally, Churches /Religions are teaching people to live better/be good citizens. So, who cares how they do it. As a society, we mind each other’s business too much—if something is not harmful to us, we should let people live their lives. 
12. Life is a journey of self-discovery. Every religion/church has both positives and negatives, and good and bad people. Taylor Frankie Paul is not representative of every LDS person. You can’t believe what you see on TV. I know, and am friends with many Church people, who know where I stand on religion/Church, and we are still friends. We are just navigating the confusion of life differently. I will never begrudge a friend who is still part of the Church I left behind. I may not understand it. Or even agree with it, but I don’t know their life experiences, and they don’t know mine.  

While I have left religion/church behind, there are parts of it that are engrained in me. There are things I learned in Church that helped shaped the woman I am today, and I am grateful for those experiences. So, while I no longer believe in what church/religion has to offer me, I will not regret the times I spent in that world. As I am journeying through life, sometimes religious guilt (don’t even get me started) creeps in, and I must forgive myself for feeling guilty, and letting past lessons control parts of my mind and soul. Ultimately, I strive to be better each day than I was the day before. I know I have far to go. I love discussing religion/church/spirituality with others because I believe hearing their ideas/opinions will help me shape the Church that’s within me. There is too much to be explored and discovered, and I don’t think religion/church has all the answers. Every day is a new day, meant to learn/grow/discover.