Me Too…Kind Of

What I am about to share is somewhat sensitive in nature. The topic has been on my mind and heart for a couple of weeks now, and I feel like I need to share. As you read this, know it is taking me a lot to express what happened in words. Also, I want you know that it may be sensitive in nature. I debated about whether to post it or not. Ultimately, I decided I should write and post it. I appreciate your love and support.

The #metoo movement has been big recently. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about the movement. I love that women are standing up for themselves. I also think that it has caused some blame on men unnecessarily, who may be innocent. In some ways, I think the crux of the American legal system.: “Innocent, until proven guilty,” has gone somewhat out of the window. At times, I believe that women accuse men of sexual violence, the men are just assumed to be guilty. But, they don’t get a fair trial. I don’t want to start a fight; I just want to express my opinion. If you think you have been a victim of sexual violence, or want to advocate for those victims, you can check out the Me Too Movement website: https://metoomvmt.org/.

According to RAINN (Rape Abuse & Incest National Network) (www.rainn.org), every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. I hate to admit it, but I have been sexually assaulted several times. The most recent being in October. At the time the assault was happening, I didn’t think it was assault. After all, assault is violent, and what happened to me wasn’t violent An assault doesn’t necessarily have to be violent, does it? I don’t think verbal assaults are violent. They are not friendly, but there is no physicality to them.  So, I did some research, and the Common Law definition of assault is: an intentional act by one person that creates an apprehension in another of an imminent harmful or offensive contact (https://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Assault). In this respect, what happened to me was an assault, even though it wasn’t violent.

I am a strong, independent woman. I take great pride in knowing who I am, and where I want to go in life. But, the four times I was assaulted, I felt like I lost part of her—so, these moments attacked who I was down to my core. They were an assault on my self-esteem, self-confidence, etc., and they killed me on the inside for a bit.

The first one happened while I was living in PA. I rode to work with someone I knew, who worked at a business nearby. While we were riding to work, which was all of a five minute ride, he placed his hand in my private area. I squirmed in my seat, but he kept his hand there. He just placed his hand there and didn’t move it.  I wasn’t sure what to do. Luckily for me, the ride to work ended. I got out of the car, and I thought about calling the police, but ultimately, decided against it because I convinced myself nothing had happened. I never told anyone what happened, until now. Sometimes, the memory of this moment still haunts me. Probably because I didn’t say anything. I am a fighter, who didn’t fight. I just let it happen, without saying a word.

The moment in the car was similar to two other instances that have occurred before and after. When I was dating my boyfriend in Utah, he and I were cuddling, which we always did. Suddenly, I found his hand inside my bra. I moved my body, and he pulled his hand out of my bra. It never happened again. At the time, I chalked it up to idea that he was my boyfriend, and that he didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable. And he stopped. I don’t really consider that moment an assault—he was just a handsy boyfriend, who got a clue to never touch me that way again. Still, I wish that I would have expressed to him how uncomfortable it made me feel and why. The most recent time was in October. My friends and I went out one night, and after we left the bar, we wanted to eat. There were five of us in the car, and I was in the backseat with my friend and his brother. His brother decided that it would be okay to put his hand down my shirt, and began to feel me up. Again, I let the moment get the best of me. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to cause a scene. Since then, I told his brother what happened. I should have caused a scene. I should have said something that night in the car. I don’t know why I didn’t. But I didn’t. I was used to learning that assault happened when you’re alone, but that is not always the case.

The other time you’ve all heard about happened at the Dierks Bentley concert in 2017. When a drunken man rubbed his penis all over my back. As I have shared before, I was worried about my mom, who had just had surgery a few days before. I cried when it happened (and if you know me, I am not a crier), and I did tell my mom and “brother” what happened that night, but by the time I went to tell security what happened, the man was gone. This is one reason I don’t drink in public. All these instances happened to me when I was sober. So, for me, alcohol wasn’t a factor.

For me, these moments were ones of weakness. Ones I didn’t do what I should have to help myself. Now, all I can do is not to let them happen again. I don’t know if it’s because I look innocent (so I look like I can easily be taken advantage of), or if I look weak. I am bound and determined to never let this happen again, or if it does, I will stand up for myself and say something. I also wanted to share my stories, so that if another woman reads this, and is not sure she wants to say anything, she knows she should stand up for herself and speak up.

Like I said before, #metoo is an important movement, especially if it helps save one woman from heartache and pain. To all the women reading this: be a woman, roar loud! I have some friends who have spoken out already. Good for you. It’s not easy. If you’re a man and reading this, don’t put a woman in a situation where she feels she has no power and is weak. It’s not a fun feeling. Especially if it’s not something she’s used to. You should lift a woman, make her feel strong. Also, to the men out there, sexual assault can happen to you, too. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself, either. Although sexual assault is probably more difficult for you to admit because the stereotypes that exist in the world about being the stronger sex. People, no matter who they are, need to stand up for themselves.