Morgan Laine, Exposed

I woke up Wednesday morning, and I looked in the mirror. I looked at my body. I am the most fit I have ever been—my tummy is flat, my boobs are perky (and growing), I am making gains in my arms, and I have a little (tiny) booty shelf. I have been skinnier, but I wasn’t as muscular. I also have been a lot bigger. But, I have never struggled with my body image. Well, moments, but nothing consistent and longstanding. I think this self-confidence comes from knowing who I am.  I got to thinking about self-confidence, and for me, it grows when I am self-aware. So, I started thinking of all the ways self-awareness comes into play in our lives.

I will start by saying I love my body. Everything about it. I love that it gets me where I am going. That my skin is porcelain white. The other day my niece, Melanie, asked my mom, “Gaga, why do white people glow-in-the dark?” (She’s 4, part Puerto Rican, Native American, and African American). My mom’s response: “Not all people. Just Auntie Moe.” My fairness has never bothered me. I hate I can’t tan, and I only burn, but my fair skin makes me beautiful. I love my scars. The one on my nose that people fail to notice, but I notice because it’s on my face and a symbol of all my mom went through to get it repaired. When I was in 5^th grade, a kid asked me if my mom was drunk when she was pregnant with me, and if that’s why my face was so messed up? Words that hurt, and have clearly stuck with me, but I brushed off because I know I am more than my body. The lightning bolt on my chest from when baked beans tried to attack me; the small bump on my leg from when MRSA hurt so bad, I wished I had no leg. These scars all tell a story—the story of me.

Truthfully, this love for my body might be from my years on swim team. I had to change in front of other people. There were no options. The only time changing in front of other people made me nervous was in 7^th grade swim class when I thought the teacher was a lesbian, and I was afraid she would look at me. In my defense, the older girls convinced me of that in the locker room, so I would open every locker around me to shield my body in both directions.

My love for my body also might come from my desire to be naked. I have never liked clothes. My mom would put me in pretty dresses as a baby, and I would tear them off. I am still like that. Maybe it’s a sensory thing, but I don’t like clothes. I get home from work, and I strip. I stay naked for the most part. I sleep naked (which I stopped for a while because I had an irrational fear my house would burn, and I’d have to flee and would give the firefighters a peep show). Even though I like being naked, I like to have a comforter on my bed. I dance naked. I sing naked. Everything. I always joke that I would join a nudist colony, but then I would have to see other people naked.

There was one time I was self-conscious about my body. In college, my friends the Hill Brothers, who are artists, asked me if I would model for them in a swimsuit. I had just lost about 45 pounds and wasn’t brave enough to show off my new body. I am not sure how much I would be willing to sign up for that endeavor now. Last summer, I bought a bikini for the first time, but if I am out in public, I usually wear my tankini. Plus, I don’t want to burn. A few ago, my dad’s boss came over while I was playing with Beau in the backyard pool. I was in my bikini, and I felt like I needed to cover up. He’s the man who I stripped down to my bra in front of earlier this summer, so he’s already seen as much as my bikini reveals. Oh yeah, and when I am angry, I strip. Especially during football season. But, I think it’s a respect thing not to show your body off.

Looking at myself naked in the mirror, I thought of all of the things I have become aware of recently, and I thought I would share them with you. After all, life is about continually bettering ourselves. Well, at least that’s what I think. I want to strive to be better and help others have better lives, too. Most of what I have learned has come from something someone told me, and I had to reflect on it. So, here is the list-ish (there is more).

My friend Henry tells me that there is someone out there for me. All the time. He always sends me compliments. Honestly, I am terrible at taking them. People tell me I am a catch. It’s a weird idea for me. Am I a fish? I grew up on a lake, so I am pretty sure I am not. But I am an excellent swimmer. I have been told I am “the marrying kind”- the kind of woman a man wants to marry, not date. I am not sure I understand what that means, but apparently, guys want that after they have fun. If I dated someone seriously, I would surprise him with coffee at work. I would buy him things that made me think of him—little things. It’s the little things that are important. I love surprising people and giving to people.

I am a planner. Always have been, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be spontaneous or have fun. I am working on being more laid back and enjoying every moment, but I have a lot to get done, so I plan. I was told this scares men. I am a romantic realistic. I believe in true love and meant-to-be, but you meet someone you are compatible with and make that happen.

I am quirky. I know this about myself, and I love this about myself. I am complex, and I don’t just let anyone in. I guard myself, and I am not sure it’s always the best—it’s hurt me.  I am not sure I have figured myself out yet. I am a thinker. Sometimes, too many times, an overthinker. This is why I am not a good sleep, a good napper, or good at resting. I get up early and I stay up late. Once I am going, I am going.  I feel deeply, love deeply, and get hurt deeply. I have a hard time letting go of things, but I easily forgive. I am thrifty with money, but I hope people see me as generous. I am selfish, but I am working on it. I hate when people touch my things, but I would give them anything they needed. I am fiercely independent. I love showing the world I can do things on my own.

I love singing and dancing when no one can hear. My voice sounds like a little kid. I am a terrible dancer—for the child of a professional dancer, I have no rhythm, but I have enjoyed dancing on a bar top on occasion. Morganitis is my alter ego—she’s a little crazier and a lot braver than Morgan Laine.

I am opinionated. I am obstinate. I hate being wrong. Tell me I can’t do something, I will prove you wrong. I will argue my point, even if I know I am wrong. But, I am teachable. I love learning new things. I love teaching others and sharing my knowledge with them. I don’t back down from what I believe. I am a lover, not a fighter. I will avoid confrontation at all cost. I say what’s on my mind. Sometimes, my words come off as curt, but I never intentionally mean to hurt people. I am awkwardly shy. I am definitely an extroverted introvert—I am social when I want to be. Most of the time, I struggle liking people, especially in public. I enjoy being by myself.

I love music. I don’t do well in silence. There are healing qualities in music. I love Musicals. Sometimes, I wish life was a musical, and I could burst into song and dance at every moment.  Music from the 60s-00s is way better than it is now. I love bluegrass and Dierks Bentley. He may be my perfect, dream man, lol. Too bad he’s married and has 3 kids. I love a cowboy hat and a Southern accent. Cowboys and trucks are sexy. I love putting on my cowboy boots. Give me a good 90s Country song anytime! I have a happy dance when I get really excited over little things.

I love dressing up, but I also love being casual. I love sports. Maybe a little too much. I cheer on my team, but don’t hang on to it if they lose. Don’t you dare call me a bandwagon fan. I can get fiery—must be the red hair. I love to try new things (I do something new every month). I love to serve people in little ways. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews, but I do not want any children of my own. I used to think that made something wrong with me, but I just have different goals: Dr. Lehman in #3months. I can’t wait to be a professor and teach others my knowledge. My dream job is at Penn State, and I applied there.

If I care about you, I truly care, but I won’t always show it. I don’t express affection well. It makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like holding hands, but I love cuddling when it feels right. I have never considered myself sexy or a sexual being, but I am starting to reconsider my stance on that. Flirting has been super fun lately.

I am super sensitive and tender-hearted. I cry easily, but only in private. I am uber private. If I share something with someone, I expect them to keep that confidence. I don’t like small talk. It’s kind of pointless to me, but I will share a random thought with you to start a conversation. I am great at Trivia. I am great at masking hurt. I slap a smile on and am “okay.” I don’t live by fear. Though, I struggle expressing my wants/desires out loud, so I put them on paper. Yet, sometimes I struggle even writing what I REALLY want. I am a writer, but I fight with myself to share what I have written because that would mean being vulnerable. I am trying to be more vulnerable and brave. I am not competitive, unless it comes to a bet, then I like to win. Words matter. Using the Oxford comma is important. Any type of writing is important to me, so I write pretty formally all the time. Even texts. Words are my life. Even though my vocabulary is pretty extensive, I try to grow it all the time. I love cows, and elephants, and sharks. I want to own all three. I love dogs, but not dog kisses. Gross.

I am not ashamed of who I am. I am intelligent. I am beautiful, but I know my beauty is more than skin deep. I am a hard worker. I appreciate people, who also work hard for the things they have in life. I am a reader—magazines, books, anything. I love research. I love making lists and crossing things off of those lists. I have post-its everywhere!

 I love watermelon flavored things, but am picky about watermelon flavored things. I put salt on my watermelon. I prefer salty over sweet, but give me a pie, and I am all in. I love cool whip. I could eat a whole tub and not feel guilty. Don’t touch my food. Like Joey from FRIENDS, “Morgan doesn’t share food!”  I love fruits and vegetables but also enjoy a good steak. I am a foodie, who eats to survive. I can go all day before I realize I haven’t eaten. I love ab day but hate arm day. I drink too much soda—I am working on it.

I snort when I laugh too hard. I love cheese. Fried cheese curds are amazing. So, is a good brat. I love the smell of apples and vanilla; they remind me of Grandma Teri, who I am proud as Hell to be named after. I wear that name proudly, and I never want to bring it shame. I think I hold on to a lot of her teachings, which has inhibited me from truly exploring life in a lot of ways. I don’t blame her. She did the best she could. I made choices not to do things; that’s on me.

I am not sentimental about a lot, but when I am, I am. I bite the side of my lip when I am thinking. I bite my tongue when I am concentrating. I love being a tomboy. I think we rely on technology too much. I love a good thunderstorm. I love dancing in the rain. I love Jeopardy, and I have a nerd crush on Alex Trebek. I love watching 80s tv shows. I am not a movie fan. I believe in the power of positivity and positive thinking. My favorite color is yellow because it reminds me of the sun. I love flowers. Receiving them is one of the greatest gifts someone can give me. Tulips and sunflowers are my favorites. I like to think of myself as a sunflower—tough core, beautiful and gentle outside.

Sometimes, what I do, or how I think, doesn’t even make sense to me. But, I am who I am. I am not perfect, and I know I will never be. I can be better, and I always strive to be better. Life moves. Things change. I am changing and growing. Just trying to be the best I can be. If I am not moving forward, I don’t want to be stuck in the past, which would mean I would be stuck. I don’t want that. If I trust you, you can know anything you want about me. I open up and share myself with the people I trust. But when that trust is broken, it’s gone. I can’t promise what I share won’t change because just like life, I am complex. An enigma really. I like that about myself. I get to learn something new about myself all the time.

As I said at the beginning of the post, self-awareness is important. So, here’s a link to some questions you can ask yourself to be more self-aware: https://dariusforoux.com/selfawareness/. The best part is that you can answer the questions any way you want. The point of the exercise is for you to understand yourself. Loving yourself is the most important thing you can do in this life. If other people don’t understand you, that’s on them. Love yourself, and the right people will love you back.

I am lovable; I am worthy; I am enough.