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It’s been a little over a week, but the fact I am now Dr. Lehman still doesn’t feel real. Everything happened in a whirlwind, and then a lull. I am still waiting for the final two approvals, but I am officially Dr. Morgan Laine Lehman. All the blood, sweat, and tears of the last 4 years suddenly seem worth it, though I knew it was worth it all along. A few weeks ago I told a 13-year-old not to go to school, but school is such an important part of who I am and my life. I don’t know what I am going to do with all the extra time and energy. Maybe relax a little more.

The kudos and recognition have come, but they don’t feel real. I suppose the reality won’t sink in until I walk and have the diploma. The frame is ready. I officially missed the January graduation. The next graduation is in Maryland in July, and I haven’t decided whether or not I want to attend. I don’t know where I will be in 6 months. Still, it might be worth it to have the moment to walk across the stage and have my accomplishments recognized.

After the New Year, I will be applying to professorships and other professional positions. I am planning to apply to every open position I qualify for, and wherever I am supposed to end up, I will end up. However, at this time in my life, I feel like I am supposed to stay in North Carolina, so the bulk of my applications will be sent to online programs. This way, I can still teach, and I can stay home. My Chair and I are going to talk about how I can start doing so after the New Year. I also plan to help other Doctoral students on their Doctoral journey. As I have said in the past, I feel it’s my goal in life to help people, and helping others through my experiences is a way I can do so.

SPEAKING OF HELPING PEOPLE THROUGH EXPERIENCES….I am about to share my celebration story, which is one I am not proud of. Thursday, after I was named Dr. Lehman, my parents and I went out. I decided to have a drink. And then sips of other’s drinks, and then another drink. I had eaten; everything was fine. I had told my dad while I was eating my stomach was upset, but my stomach is upset 80% of the time (a fun side effect of psoriasis). I felt fine. I shouldn’t have had the second drink, but the celebration overwhelmed me. I am a pusher—I always push myself—to do better, to be better. This was my moment to relax and enjoy myself, and not have to worry about life for a while, and I was going to take advantage of it.

Everything felt fine. Until, I walked outside. And threw up in the parking lot. The cold air hit me, and I was done. I was mid-sentence and projectile vomited all over myself and the parking lot. And on the way home in the car. Luckily, I had a to-go cup. My parents were talking to me, but when I don’t feel well, I don’t respond. When I got home, I took a shower and washed my clothes. Still, I felt fine. Nothing but the upset stomach. I know people don’t believe me, but I wasn’t drunk. Tipsy, yes. Drunk, no. I have had more to drink than that before and never vomited on myself before. I was embarrassed and wanted to crawl in bed and die. About an hour after I got home, I got a text message telling me to get some sleep. I was very appreciative to be checked up; it was very sweet. It’s nice to know I am cared about, even though I made an ass of myself (his drinks were the ones I was sipping off of). He checked on me the next day, too. I really appreciated that, too (Thanks Matt). I was wide awake the rest of the night. I watched murder mystery shows.

I felt fine the next day, too. No headache. No sickness. Except the upset stomach, still. I am not saying this to justify my actions, or to condone what I did. I made a mistake; I own up to it. I’m human; I messed up. I shouldn’t have had the second drink. I will say (again not a justification); I had a stomach bug from Thursday to Tuesday. I lost a few pounds because I didn’t eat much—I had to force myself to eat (which honestly, is not an odd phenomenon because I don’t eat unless I am hungry; I get told all the time I need to eat). I went to a party Friday and sat on the couch the entire night, and I couldn’t enjoy my birthday dinner. Truthfully, it’s the worst pain I have ever been in. Nothing tasted good, and everything made my stomach more upset. On Sunday, I asked my mom to hold me because I felt so terrible. When I don’t feel well, I like to be left alone, so this was a big moment for both of us. I know it meant a lot to her.

People, who were there, or heard the story said things like: “at least you threw up for a good reason”—no reason is a good reason. Until this moment, I hadn’t thrown up since 2016 when I had a migraine. I avoid vomiting at all costs. “Everyone does it”—I am not everyone, and that’s not who I am, or how I want to represent myself. I hated myself a little for letting it happen. I am ashamed at my poor decision-making. This feeling was only exacerbated by the comment, “you’re a classy Doctor.”  The comment was true. Someone with my education should not behave in such a manner. I feel terrible for how I acted, and everyone that had to witness it. When I returned to the bar on Sunday, I brought the bartender a gift card. He tried to give it back, but I need to make amends. Honestly, others were kinder to me than I was to myself. At 35, there is no excuse for such poor decision-making. It was like I was living my 20s in that night. My dad said, “people say it won’t happen again, and I know with you won’t.” Damn right. I learn from my stupidity. I am better than how I acted. Although people who I was with have forgiven me, it will be harder for me to forgive myself. I am hard on myself because I know what I can and should be. I need to be a better example for the people around me. Also, that is not the kind of vulnerability I want people to see.

I told those who know me I didn’t want to talk about it—I want to move on from it, and rehashing it won’t allow me to do so. But, of course, people know I am sensitive, so it was a topic of conversation. I wish people respected my wishes more. I do the same for them. As much as know people respect me, I feel they don’t at the same time. From this moment on, I don’t want to talk about it anymore; it will stay with me for the appropriate time. I appreciate discretion in this manner.

The celebrations will continue in a calmer manner. I deserve the celebrations. I have worked hard to get where I am. I have sacrificed a lot—time, relationships, etc. There will be swimming with sharks with Maddisson in January. There will be a graduation party on February 15^th. If you want to come, let me know, and I will send you an invite. I am hoping the completion of this journey will help me be braver in aspects of my life. I was telling one of my cohorts last night I am an introvert, but I force myself to do things that make me uncomfortable. Uncomfortability will push me to be better and grow. Although I said I wasn’t going to go to the bar again, I was told I have to lift my chin up and keep living my life, so that’s what I am going to do. Maybe, I will sing the karaoke song I promised I would sing. I am not afraid to sing in front of others; I hate my voice. I sing all the time at work, when I am walking, and in my bedroom. I sound younger than my age, and the tone of my voice isn’t the greatest. I feel younger than my age. My new co-worker thought I was 24, haha! I want to be bolder with my feelings and emotions—vulnerability in a wise and responsible way. Vulnerability is something I have been working on this year. I feel I have gotten better, but I struggle to let people all the way in. There is also something I have considered doing—that I have never done before-I have been thinking about it for some time; I just have to find the right circumstances. I want to try new things: my brother-in-law is going to take me to get my gun license; I want to learn to surf and ski. I want to travel. There is so much I want to see and do and experience. Now, I can. I am going to take advantage of any opportunity I can. If you have ideas of new things I can try, let me know.

I know being a professor is not all I want to do. I want to help students along their educational paths—whatever they may be. I have promised my cohorts I will proofread their dissertations. I don’t want to be a dissertation editor. The market is saturated, and I have already written and edited a dissertation. Plus, I will have to continue to do research and write the results. I will be taking APA 7 courses to stay current in the publication manual. I am more than happy to help my friends and family edit their work. I love editing. Call me a geek, but I enjoy it, and I am good at it. I don’t want it to be my job. I told my cohort last night I want to be a dissertation coach. I want to help others on their dissertation journey. It’s a complex journey. I have completed the journey, and I want to help other people do so. She told me I would be good at that. I began my Doctoral venture wanting to change education policy, and I think my dissertation has helped me do that, even in some minuscule way. I also have scheduled a meeting with my Research Reviewer about education policy. I will be sending a report of my dissertation to advocacy groups, who are trying to get the federal government more involved in the oversight of the NCAA. I have edited some position papers for the group, which means I have had my works heard on Capitol Hill, haha. For someone so apolitical, I hope to influence politics, even if it’s something small.

I want to become involved in non-profits. A local farmer I know asked me if I would help him write grants for his organization, so I am going to take classes on grant writing. I have done some in the past, but I want to refresh. The plan is also to go on a mission trip in 2021 to Zimbabwe with his organization. I want to help Operation Smile to pay the organization back for how they helped me. My life could have been greatly different if they wouldn’t have performed my surgeries for free. There are other issues I am passionate about—healthcare policy, etc. There are so many things I could do that are not government related. I want to change the world, and that starts in 2020.

It’s weird to think I am 36 and lived through 4 decades. Some days, I don’t feel like I have accomplished anything. Other days, I feel I have accomplished a lot. I wanted to be a Doctor by the time I was 30; I guess 35 is not bad. I didn’t even start until after I was 30. I am still young, and I can still accomplish a lot. When I was young, this is not how I thought my life would end up. I hope all this work is making my Grandma Teri proud. I hope even though I am flawed and human I make people proud.

In addition to my Doctorate, I will be completing my poem a day project. I wrote a poem each day in 2019, and I have been editing them as I go along. I plan to publish a book of my poetry in the early weeks of 2020. I will share more details as the publication gets closer.

I will continue to push. I will continue to try to be better. I will continue to educate myself, and help others educate themselves. I want to help people’s lives be better. That is and will always be my first and foremost goal. I will change the world in my own way. I appreciate all the support.

Much Love and Hope,

Dr. Morgan Laine Lehman