Status Quo

“Stick to the stuff you know / It is better by far / To keep things as they are / Don’t mess with the flow, no no / Stick to the status quo.” This song has been playing in my head repeatedly. A family favorite from 15 years ago—High School Musical (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yE07FbWmew8) brings up something important I’ve noticed in society lately. We, as a society are living for the status quo, to not ruffle feathers, to just do as we are told. Not just as a society, personally we live in our status quo life as well. We will never accomplish things that way.

As Pulitzer Prize winning historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich wrote: “well-behaved women seldom make history.” You have probably heard this statement before. Usually attributed to Marilyn Monroe or Eleanor Roosevelt, but in fact, a writer said them. The meaning of her words was made more acceptable to people when they were attached to a celebrity. When Ulrich originally wrote, “well-behaved women seldom make history” she didn’t mean that women should misbehave in order to be memorable, which is how the quote is often interpreted. Misbehaving is sometimes is an effective way to change the status quo, but other times we need to stand up for what we believe in to be the change we want to see in the world. Ulrich wrote those words lamenting about the fact that so many women who made positive impacts on society are overlooked by history. Relatively few women have their names remembered. I went to a women’s college, so I learned a lot about these forgotten women. I recently saw the movie Aladdin. In the movie, Jasmine sings a song about having her opinion heard. The song is called “Speechless,” and how she won’t remain so: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mw5VIEIvuMI. I was raised to be a strong-willed woman, so I have always been, and I will always be a strong-willed woman.

I want to be remembered. I don’t want to just sit back and let life happen to me. I don’t want to be a Basic White Girl (BWG). If you don’t know what that is, these are girls that wear leggings with oversized sweaters, UGG boots, and large sunglasses while carrying a huge purse and a Starbucks. I do wear leggings—in fact, I wear leggings all the time. Mine aren’t just black though. I love wild patterns and designs. In fact, I just bought some KC Chiefs and Green Bay Packers leggings to cheer my teams on! I also love oversized sweaters. I love to be comfortable. Especially in the Fall and Winter. I do drink Starbucks on occasion, but coffee isn’t my drink of choice. I am more of a whiskey and water type girl.  I will never carry an extra-large bag, and UGG boots make my feet too hot.  I am opinionated and hard-headed.  Sometimes, I’m seen as savage because I can be blunt, but my intent is to always be honest with myself and other people. Even my name doesn’t have a BWG sound to it. I like my nails wild colors. Currently, they are bright yellow, so I always have something happy to look at when it’s cold outside—I hate the winter. I listen to music—all kinds. Rap. Rock. Country. Bluegrass. Whatever my mood is is what I listen to.  This morning I was listening to 90s RAP. Right now, I am listening to county. I love singing music out loud when no one can listen. I also love dancing when no one is watching. I exercise as I walk down the street. I put mousse in my hair, so it looks cute when it dries because I hate brushing my hair. I love wearing joggers and a thermal tee, but I also love getting dressed up. I am fierce, and I love fiercely. I am who I am; there is nothing basic about me.

If you know me, you know words are my life. Of course I looked up the definition of status quo. According to Merriam-Webster, the definition is, “the way things are now; the current situation.” Upon further research, most of the examples of status quo refer to politics and religion. While politics are religion are important in life, and often governed by leadership rules and regulations, so much more of life has a status quo we abide by. For me, the status quo means being content in the way things are that we just go along with life without even think—going through the motions if you will. Being numb to life and the world around us.

Politically, we’ve lived in a world of falling in line and following the rules for the last year and a half. We’ve found ourselves mandated to stay in our homes, didn’t gather with friends and family, didn’t attend concerts or sporting events, we wear masks, stay away from people, get vaccinated, wear masks after vaccination, get our children vaccinated, buy toilet paper, don’t go to the gym, and the list goes on and on. Where does it end? We listen to the news and the media, and we do as we are told—without questions—because that’s what we are told. Recently, though, we’ve see what happens when people question. When people fight against the status quo. We are on the precipice of something big—a great divide in America. People are starting to think things don’t make sense, but others are doing what they are told. The American people are at odds with one another. We have a fissured society. The new status quo is hate, anger, and expecting others to explain where they stand on issues that are really no one’s business. It’s all just a big distraction from living in reality because it is slowly becoming our reality, and we’re used to it.

I went to the Dollar Tree a few weeks ago to look for something, and it was as if I was in a zombie world. Everyone was walking around, no emotion, masks on, no music, and buying things. My mom and I, on the other hand, were joking and laughing, maskless, and living life. I have friends that wear masks, but don’t believe in doing so. I wonder why? I was there. I wore a mask because the Governor mandated it, and it made other people feel safe. I hated every second of it—I couldn’t breathe, and I was worried about getting sick from wearing a mask. One day, I decided that I am not going to wear one anymore. It wasn’t a law. I knew the risks from not wearing one. I still cared about people, and I am a good person if I don’t wear one. Ultimately, I believed the benefits of not wearing one were greater for me than not wearing one, and I didn’t believe wearing one made me healthier or safer.  If I don’t believe in something, I don’t do it. I don’t care if people think of me as a bad person. I do what’s best for me. It’s really no one’s business what I do with my life and my health, just as it’s not my business what they do with their lives and their health. We are all free to choose what’s best for us.

Another aspect in life in which people don’t question is religion. Many people go to church from a young age, listen to what their parents and leaders tell them, and carry it through to their adulthood. If you question, you are seen as a bad follower of God. But who says? Some preacher, who went to school, and decided he was divinely appointed to tell you how to live your life? (I am not knocking religious institutions or the people that attend them, but I believe we need to discover or religious and spiritual nature for ourselves—we all have Divine powers within us). People follow the preacher’s words because it’s what they’ve always done. They endure heartache and pain, and say it’s God’s plan without asking why. Why would God want them to suffer? What is sin? Why is it sin? Who was Jesus? How does this all pertain to science? How was the Universe create and every speck of dirt? Religion allows people not to ask why things happen. It’s a complete confidence or trust in spiritual apprehension. During the last year, I have been on a spiritual journey discovering what I really believe in religiously. Jesus, after all, didn’t just do as He was told; He went against the grain of religious culture at the time. He healed on Sunday, and he taught the shunned of society. Breaking the mold of my religious upbringing has taught me a lot about myself and the world. I have learned to listen to my intuition—a skill I am still learning to master. God doesn’t solve any problem I have—even if I believe He will. Sometimes, I will have to learn to suffer and grow from the experiences I have. Religion is a personal experience, and we have to figure out what we believe through experiences. Things I was taught were sins when I was younger don’t seem to be so bad in the grand scheme of things. One day, I will read the Bible as a man’s interpretation of how to live life, whereas I was always taught it was God’s word. In the last few years, I realized that there are many different versions of the Bible, and man had a hand in writing every single one-if you want to know what God says, go to the source. Being a good person, and trying to be better each day, is what matters in life. Yes, there are some universal moral guidelines that humans should follow—not murdering is a prime example. The rest will get figured out after we die.  So believe in God or Buddha or Zeus—you choose what’s best for you, and try to be a good human. Remember no one is perfect, and we are all humans, who falter and make mistakes.

Relationships are another area I’ve recently noticed people stick to the status quo. Watch any Hallmark movie or sitcom, and you will see what relationships are meant to look like. High school sweethearts fall in love, and they stay in love forever, or people meet in some serendipitous fashion, and live happily ever after. That isn’t real life. Relationships are full or hurt and mistakes because two people are trying to make a life together. Most of the time people meet each other in boring ways, like through friends or on dating apps. People do stay together. Often, longer than they should. People don’t want to be alone, so they stay with someone to be with someone, even if they are not happy. Or they stay with someone because it’s comfortable. It’s human nature to seek out what’s comfortable, and break ups are painful, and dating is awkward. We don’t want to put ourselves out there, or make ourselves vulnerable to someone else. Often, it’s hard to trust people. In life, we find someone we are comfortable with, and stay with them. Even when we are not happy anymore because it’s easy to be comfortable. Even if we don’t love someone, if we like them, that’s good enough. Who wants just good enough? A lot of people. Most people are content with not being pushed out of their comfort zones. I’ve decided that’s why I don’t have a steady boyfriend. I am a pusher. I push people to be better. I hold people to higher standards, and that scares a lot of people. I don’t settle. But, I push myself to be better, and I hold myself to those same higher standards I hold others to. I thrive in what’s uncomfortable—that’s how I will become a better person each and every day.

As I have been reading my trauma and healing books, I have also learned that human beings develop and live in their own status quo—again we do what’s comfortable because it’s comfortable. Even if it is painful or traumatic to our brain, it is still comfortable to our brain. When it’s not, we turn to therapists, who often prescribe psychotropic drugs, which make it so we can’t feel. We become numb to the hurt. We become numb to the things around us, the world. I am not advocating against pharmaceutical drugs—there are a time and a place for them. I know people whose lives have been improved through the use of pharmaceutical drugs. I also believe, as a society, we depend too much on chemicals to alter our brain’s chemistry. We take the easy way out. We avoid doing the hard work that is required of working through our trauma and healing. Truthfully, it’s not easy to work through our past traumas—it’s often painful. Living a full and healed life is worth the temporary pain. We all have the power within ourselves to heal—through meditation and yoga, etc. /–forms of holistic healing. I discovered Dr. LePera, The Holistic Psychologist (https://theholisticpsychologist.com/). I have learned that healing comes from trying new things. Healing is a daily choice to choose different patterns-patterns are comfortable. We need to break old habits to create new ones. We need to discover ourselves.

We need to live life—not just live life. What’s the difference, you ask? To live is to put yourself out there, take risks, be vulnerable, have joy, experience heartache, anger, sorrow, etc.  Not stick to the status quo—personally or socially. Living is just to be alive. To be content with whatever happens. Living takes no growth, healing, change, pain, hope, or love. I have both lived and lived. I have had my heart broken. I have burnt bridges. I have said things I shouldn’t have. I have made mistakes. People, who were close to me, have left my life—for one reason or another. I am grateful for every moment I had with them. As I have gotten older, life hasn’t gotten easier. In fact, in a lot of ways, it’s gotten much more difficult. I am stronger than I used to be because of those experiences. I am more empathetic to others because of those experiences—they have helped me relate to what others may be going through. Or try to relate, if I cannot. I am reminded of a Carrie Underwood song called Lessons Learned, in which she sings “some pages turned / some bridges burned, / but there were lessons learned” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uT1YpjsYOzE).

I have been in somewhat of a rut lately. I have felt stagnant. I have let life happen to me, which I never want(ed). I went through the motions. My mom recently told me she feels I have not been my sunshiny self since my Guido passed. While to her that may be true, and at times in the past year I have felt that as well, I also know that I have grown and changed in ways privately and personally. I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone by opening myself to hurt and pain, which happened, but I felt powerful in my vulnerability. I know I can do it again. I will do it again. Even though I cried myself to sleep several nights in a row after experiencing the hurt, I would choose to be vulnerable again in a heartbeat. (If you know me, you know vulnerability has always been a struggle for me, and while this is a setback, it’s also a learning experience on how to be vulnerable in the future.) There’s a hole in my heart that may never be filled. But I lived, and I learned, and I am better for the experience. I am stronger. I am trying not to live in my own status quo.

Recently, I was listening to Taylor Swift, and the song, I Bet You Think About Me played. This stanza stuck with me: “Now you’re out in the world, searchin’ for your soul / Scared not to be hip, scared to get old / Chasin’ make-believe status, last time you felt free” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UMCrq-bBCg). I don’t want to be afraid to live, to make mistakes. I don’t want to search for my soul. I know where she lies. I want to live a real life, so I am choosing to LIVE. From this day forward, I am living. All the pain. All the choices. All the happy. All the sad. Reality. Reality is going to be my new status quo.