Unorthodox

Unorthodox (Adj.)- contrary to what is usual, traditional, or accepted; not orthodox. (Merriam-Webster.com) 

I recently watched the Netflix limited series Unorthodox. The series details the life of a Hasidic Jewish woman (Esty), who leaves the only life she has ever known to find a new life in Berlin, Germany, away from her arranged marriage and tightly-knit faith community. Along her journey, she becomes reacquainted with her estranged mother, finds a community of people, and tries to navigate her way through a secular world—a world she could never imagined. 

Much Like Esty, I am, navigating a world post religion and filled with many rules. I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon Church). Much like the Catholic Church, and most organized religion, there are a lot of rules to keep the followers in line. No coffee or tea, no alcohol, you must pay 10% of your wage to the Church, no sex before marriage—and the list goes on. Of course, me being a questioner, I often wondered why some of the rules were in place. I never thought a Diet Coke would kill me, or send me down the path of addiction. While I understood coffee was addictive, I also knew a lot of people who drank coffee, who were amazing people, especially my Grandma Carrol. No football on Sunday was also a struggle. Why was watching football after Church so bad?  I understood alcohol. I understood tobacco. I was lost when it came to understanding the rules of modesty: Why was showing your shoulders so bad? Even a two-piece swimsuit? Yes, at youth activities, I understood not wanting to tempt the boys with girls’ bodies, but at all girls’ events? It felt like girls were being shamed for being comfortable in their own bodies. I always felt like something was wrong with me because I questioned the rules. Because I didn’t want to just get married and have babies. I have come to learn though, as I have studied for myself, that Jesus was a rule breaker. If you believe in Jesus, his example was one of going against the religious leaders of the time. So, why do Christians believe in blindly following their leaders? Why do we let men decide our worth?

As I grew older, and the rules got stricter, I questioned more. In Mormonism, going to the temple is the ultimate sign of being a good follower of Christ. Seeing the prospect of marriage slipping past me, I decided to get endowed on 9/10/11 (most people are endowed when they go on a mission or are getting married). To be endowed means to go through the temple and become a new person. There are also rituals and ceremonies performed there, which the LDS Church members consider sacred and holy. Out of respect to my friends who are still members, I am leaving the details of the Temple Endowment out of this blog. It is a very personal experience.  After you are endowed, you wear garments which protect your body by keeping you modest—the tops are like t-shirts and the shorts are knee length—they are made from a special material. You wear your clothes over the top of them. I never liked wearing them. They made me hot, even though I bought the ones for humidity, which were more like athletic shorts and tops. While I had gotten advice on garments before purchasing them, they are not something you try on before you actually buy them. They are expensive, and you end up spending a lot of money until you get the ones you like. I tried to wear mine for about 2 years before giving them up. They are still in a box in my spare room closet. I need to dispose of them, but I just don’t think about it, until I think about it, and it’s not convenient, and then I don’t think about it again. I am not holding on to them, but forgetting about them. 

On my endowment date, my mom and one of my former Church leaders took me to the Raleigh, NC Temple, which is actually in Apex, NC. As you walk in, you change into clothes that are all white, watch videos about doctrine, and go through those sacred rituals and ceremonies. I was in shock my first time because I felt like the Temple ceremony was opposite of everything I had ever learned in the Church. I was uncomfortable. It felt unnatural. I felt like something was wrong with me because everyone who has been through the Temple talks about how at peace they were—I just felt awkward. I thought my feelings were because it was first time. You can convince yourself of a lot of things when you are trying to be a good Christian. Even things that are weird and uncomfortable. I have talked to several friends, who have also left the LDS Church, about their Temple experiences. Mine was unique, but if I would have done what they had to do, I would never have gone back. Despite that, I only went back once. 

When I was leaving the Church, I thought my issues were with the LDS Church. At the time, my parents were attending a non-denominational Church, so I thought I would attend with them. After all, my problem was not with religion or doctrine; it was with the Mormon culture. I always felt like I didn’t fit in, and the rules I was supposed to follow didn’t make sense. I quickly discovered I was bothered by Church Culture everywhere—not just Mormon culture. Someone who was interested in me said, “I trust what my leaders are saying because they have a direct line to God.” This flabbergasted me. Everyone has a direct line to God, not just pastors and preachers. I also don’t believe we should blindly follow someone because they have a degree in Divinity—that degree just means they devoted 4 years of their life to religion and the study of religion. That doesn’t mean that they are better than anyone at talking to God. And if you believe in Jesus, he questioned religious authority, so why should you just blindly follow leaders?  

My full removal from the LDS Church really happened because of Covid. Up to then, I was still watching the Church’s bi-annual Conferences. I didn’t believe in the culture, but I think deep down, I was trying to hold on to the doctrine through the Church. At one of them, the leadership urged everyone to get vaccinated for Covid-19 because vaccines are safe, etc. I didn’t think anything about it. Then Church members took their words and acted very un-Christian about those who were not vaccinated. Then, the Church came out with propaganda about being pro-vaccine. Then I took issue with their leadership. Leaders are not doctrine. Telling people how to live their lives medically is not okay.  As we have learned, the vaccines do not protect you from getting Covid; they just lessen your symptoms. I have several friends, who were vaccinated, still got Covid, and wish they were not vaccinated, or others, who feel they were pressured into the vaccine by their employers, the government, etc. What people don’t understand is all this “free” stuff the government is providing, isn’t free. We will pay for it.

I will admit, I am not vaccinated—which is really not anyone’s business, and this explanation I am about to give is really no one’s concern either, but I want to give a little backstory before going on. When the Covid vaccines came out, I had already had Covid. My doctor and I discussed it, and decided because I already had had Covid, I didn’t need to get vaccinated. There were also some health concerns he and I weren’t comfortable with. This was when we thought you could only get Covid once. After we learned you can get Covid more than once, I did my research, and I decided the vaccine wasn’t something I wanted to put in my body. There were just too many risks. It’s my prerogative to do what I want with my body, especially when it regards my health. I would never tell someone to get vaccinated or not because it’s not my business, and their vaccination status should not form our relationship. Maybe I will get vaccinated one day, but I lived this long without contracting Covid, and I have lived my life basically the same as I did before, and I am surrounded by little germ spreaders (kids) daily. I have had friends, family, and other people I know get Covid, and unintentionally expose me, and I still haven’t gotten the virus. (Thankfully).

I say all this because when the prophet stated people should get vaccinated, members of the Church felt justified in their feelings other people should get vaccinated. I heard from many people, “The Prophet said….” Well, who made him the Prophet? Men made him Prophet. He cannot receive revelation for me. Just as I cannot receive revelation for him. When God tells me to get vaccinated, I will get vaccinated. Until then, I will go about my life as I always have. If I die from Covid, I was meant to die from Covid—there would be no stopping it. I am not selfish, and I don’t lack empathy because I am doing what’s best for my health and my body. I use this example: on an airplane they tell people to place their oxygen mask on before they help someone else. I understand the vaccine and the oxygen mask are not the same, but to me, I can’t help people live healthy if I am not being healthy, and being vaccinated isn’t healthy for my body.  I am not a bad person because I don’t follow the Prophet’s counsel.  

Counsel is formally given advice. Advice is a suggested, not implied. After study, I have learned how corrupt the leaders of the LDS Church are—they are not Godly men; they are power-seeking men. As Will Smith expressed in his book Will (and these words stuck with me), “Advice, at its best, is one person’s limited perspective of the intimate possibilities before you. People’s advice is based on their fears, their experiences, their prejudices, and at the end of the day their advice is just that: theirs. Not yours. When people give you advice, they are basing it on what they would do, what they can perceive, and what they think you can do.” (Notes taken as I was listening to the audiobook. I would highly recommend the book). 

It’s ironic to me that one of the first meeting notes of the Church said, “…. if the people departed from the Lord, they must fall—that they were depending on the prophet hence were darkened in their minds from neglect of themselves.” “Minutes and Discourse, 26 May 1842,” p 51, The Joseph Smith Papers. Additionally, The Book of Mormon states, “they put down the power and miracles of God, and preach up unto themselves their own wisdom and their own learning….” (2 Nephi 26:20). These are words taken directly from Church doctrine. Contradiction much? The truth is, most people don’t read doctrine, they are just followed what they are told by the teachers/leaders. When you read for yourself, that’s what you know what the doctrine really says. 

 I do not hate/begrudge my friends who are still members of the Church, and still believe they are doing what’s best for their life because religion is a personal decision, and if they are comfortable in the life they are living, and they are not doing harm in the world, who am I to tell them they are wrong? I may not understand their thinking, but I don’t have to. It’s not mine. I don’t want to be ugly or contentious about leaving the Church. I just want to quietly walk away, and leave it behind me as best I can. 

As for me and my house, I will follow the guidance of the forefathers, who said, “There is no justification for taking away individual freedoms in the guise of public health.”= Thomas Jefferson. I will do what’s best for me. I will not ask other people what they have done with their body because that’s what’s best for one. One of the most difficult things for me during the pandemic has been people’s feelings they have the right to know everyone else’s medical status. Before Covid, did we ask athletes if they had their flu shot? No. It’s no one’s business, just as their Covid vaccine status is no one’s business. A friend recently told me that dating apps were asking if you were vaccinated or not, and if you are you get bonuses on the app for being vaccinated. What? That’s insane. This whole thing is too much. 

Being removed from the Church doesn’t mean the Church isn’t still with me. There are times I catch myself doing things because of my upbringing. Some things that still make me hesitate. Some rules I still feel guilty when I break. When I drink alcohol, I only do it in moderation. My diet is one of balance. I don’t use tobacco. I try not to swear (this has been a struggle or recently). As my life coaching friend told me, if it takes you a lifetime to learn something, it will take you almost that long to unlearn it. I need to be patient with myself as I press forward and figure out what I believe.  

I AM unorthodox. I am unusual. I am a freak. So, I know what you’re thinking: freak is a bad thing right? It’s the vocabulary kids use on playgrounds to make fun of other children, but I recently read a book which argued being a freak might not be entirely bad. Giannis Antetokounmpo, who plays basketball for the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks, has been nicknamed “The Greek Freak” because of his otherworldly athletic ability—he didn’t even know how to play basketball until he was 13, and now, 15 years later, he’s 2x NBA MVP.  If you don’t know his story, you should look it up. He was selling sunglasses in the streets of Athens, Greece to help his family pay rent, and his family still lives with him, even though he makes millions, his family and God drive his life. In a sense, his way of thinking is also freaky.

To be abnormal is okay. To think for yourself is okay. To do what is best for you is okay. It doesn’t mean you are selfish, and it doesn’t mean you don’t have empathy. Some of the greatest thinkers ever had unorthodox ways of thinking. The way I think, and what I believe might not change the world, but it’s who I am, and I like who I am. I am not hurting anyone being unorthodox. I might not change the world, but I will change my world.