Breakthroughs

               The word breakthrough has been used a lot this year—in many different ways. Scientists have created a breakthrough vaccine, and with that came breakthrough cases of Covid—meaning if you are vaccinated, you still test positive for Covid. The way people talk, you would think if you got vaccinated, the virus would go away. That’s not how vaccinations of viruses work—you can only reduce the virus’ symptoms, you can’t get rid of them. With breakthroughs, come pushbacks. This is how life works—we have to learn to take the ups with the downs and the highs with the lows. The world is very contentious right now with people’s right to choose/not choose to do with their body. This can also be considered a breakthrough of sorts.

               A breakthrough is considered, “a sudden, dramatic, and important discovery or development,” or “an instance of achieving success in a particular activity.” Life moves fast. Life is often dramatic, and it’s the important moments we tend to remember. I recently heard someone say, “it’s the moments we remember, not the days.” That statement was profound to me. The moments we remember build up and make our lives and our memories. In Psychology, patience often say they experience breakthroughs when they realize something they have never considered before, or they recognize something they’ve suppressed.

               In my own life, I’ve had some personal breakthroughs. With them, have come good and bad. It’s important to talk about personal breakthroughs, so that others can learn and grow alongside you. This life is about helping each other, yet doing what is best for you. I like to have control in my life—meaning, I like to know what’s happening, and I like to be timely. Life is not that way, though. We can’t always know what’s going on, and life doesn’t work on our time table. This is a lesson I am reminded of often. Life would be a lot different if I got what I wanted when I wanted it. Often, when we don’t get what we want when we want it, we realize that the waiting was beneficial to us in some way. Usually when we’ve waited a long time for something, the journey to that something brings breakthroughs about ourself, others, and life. Some of the most profound lessons I have learned in life have come from waiting for life to happen how I want it to, or think it should.

               I have been talking to my good friend Rachael recently—we have reconnected after a long time. She and I both have some complex situations in life, and it’s nice to have someone to talk to, without judgement. She is currently working on getting her life coaching license, so I agreed to be her practice client, and wooeee. I have learned a lot about myself and the world around me in just 2 sessions. I am sure she gets fed up with me at times, but I love sharing my healing and growth with someone who cares about me. Most importantly, expressing my feelings to someone else is a breakthrough for me. I feel my feelings deeply, but I often don’t share them because I don’t want to burden people. That’s why I am a writer. I write down my emotions, and that’s how I share them with others. But talking with her, has helped me learn how to express my emotions in more productive ways.

               I recently read the book What Happened to You by Oprah and Dr. Bruce D. Perry. Funny story about this—I actually thought I was checking out another book, but decided to read this one when I learned what it was about: trauma. Such a scary word, but we all have trauma, and we all need to deal with our trauma. Because to deal with our trauma is how we heal from our trauma. Before reading the book, I didn’t consider my life too traumatic—I was happy, and I never went without what I needed as a child. But, that’s not what trauma is. I realized, after reading the book, that little things that might not be traumatic to some people, and things I didn’t see as traumatic, were actually traumatic to my developing brain. The most important realization I made was that I don’t like physical touch because I wasn’t given physical touch as a child. By no fault of anyone’s, because of my cleft nose, I had to wear casts on my arm for much of my infancy, so I wouldn’t touch my face. Because of this, I had to learn how to self-soothe (beyond what is normal) in infancy. To this day, I still self-soothe when I am upset. I don’t ask for hugs when I am upset because I never received them when I was upset as a child. I still shirk off physical affection because I never received it. As a child I learned this as it’s a defense mechanism to protect my feelings of abandonment, so it’s not going to be easy to change. Being weary of physical affection is something I will have to be cognizant of, and I will have to ask for physical affection when I am upset. It won’t be easy to change, but now that I am aware of it, it’s something I am willing to work at being better about. Childhood trauma shapes who we are as an adults. We believe children are resilient—that they can just overcome what life throws at them, but if the trauma occurs when our brain is forming it’s connections, our brain is wired to perform in the traumatic mode. Until we break those connections, we will act as if we are going through trauma, even if we are now.

               Reading the book will also help me deal with others. Everyone has trauma, and everyone deals with it differently. The book helped me realize that what we should be asking people is: what happened to you? instead of why do you do that? or why are you making bad decisions? Understanding how to address people’s trauma will help me be more empathetic towards them. I also hope this new perspective will help me deal with people who I struggle with by being more understanding of what may have happened to them in their pasts. I can make the world a better place by trying to more completely understand other peoples.

               I am also reading How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera (suggested by Rachael). During the reading of this book, I have come to many realizations.  I am learning how the mind and body and soul work together for our wellness. This is something I knew before, but it was nice to have the reminder. Shadow work is not fun, but it is necessary for healing. Shadow work involves getting in touch with the parts of yourself that you’ve repressed — or what many might refer to as their “dark side.” It’s often uncomfortable and painful, but it’s essential for healing. To learn more: https://scottjeffrey.com/shadow-work/. This is a Jungian psychological term, and performing shadow work is essential for growth and healing.

               The thing about psychological breakthroughs is once you have them, you have to choose to do the continuing work of healing on a daily basis. Healing is a choice. Most of the work is changing the habits that have been formed as a result of past trauma to make new habits. Wellness is more about mind-body dualism than anything else. As a culture, we’ve drifted away from that. When we have health problems, we often ignore the psychological factors that may contribute to our illness- We just treat the physical symptoms. This is a disservice to our body and minds—our mind-body dualism. Psychology after all is intended to be “the study of the soul,” and medicating the soul is not a way to repair the problems of our body and mind. We have to do the work in order to properly heal from our past trauma and any new traumas that may arise in life.

               If you’ve read my blog previously, you know that I know little about my biological father. In February, when I had my physical, I could not give my medical history from my father’s side. I contacted him asking him for the information, but he did not respond to my request. It was important for me to know this information, so I could help prevent any illnesses that may arise in the future. I heard about this company entitled Promethease (https://promethease.com/), which takes the information from a DNA test you send in, and tells you about possible medical issues you are inclined to based on your DNA variations. Although I knew it would not give me definite answers, it would at least give me some idea of what to prepare for in the future. I was sure I would be at high risk for cancer, since my mom’s family has a history, and I know my biological father had lymphoma when I was young. To my surprise, my report informed me that my genetic variations indicate I am at high risk for Type 2 Diabetes, obesity, and sucralose intolerance. Nothing major. Nothing too concerning for me as I am a fairly active person. For years, many believed that our health was based on genetic determinism. But, genetics are not our destiny. Genetics are not who we are—that takes choice out of the matter. For years, I have told myself that I will be healthy, and I will never be diagnosed with cancer. Genetic determinism is choicelessness. We can choose to be healthy.  A key of wellness is considering how I can contribute to my own wellness. How can I live a happier, healthier, and more sustainable life. There is a new theory of genetics which is called epigenetics. Epigenetics is the study of how your behaviors and environment can cause changes that affect the way your genes work. Unlike genetic changes, epigenetic changes are reversible and do not change your DNA sequence, but they can change how your body reads a DNA sequence (https://www.cdc.gov/genomics/disease/epigenetics.htm). Basically, there are factors in or life we can control—we can create our life. It’s really an interesting concept. One which I would like to understand better to use to help shape my future health.

I have long considered myself an Emotionally Intelligent person. Emotional intelligence (EI) is most often defined as the ability to perceive, use, understand, manage, and handle emotions. People with high emotional intelligence can recognize their own emotions and those of others, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, and adjust emotions to adapt to environments. On Psychology Today, you can take an EI/EQ test. For some psychologists what a person scores on an EI test is often a better indicator of success than an IQ test. Here are some indications you have a high EI:

• Getting Along Well/Interest In Others
• Self-Awareness of Strengths and Weaknesses
• Operating With Integrity
• Self-Awareness of Feelings
• Present-Focused
• Self-Motivated
• Well-Placed Boundaries

The cool thing about an EI test is that when you respond to the questions, you are given techniques on how you can improve your EI.  Again, to create a higher EI score, you have to put in the work. And the truth about life is: there is always work that can be done.

               In addition to my breakthroughs on my wellness journey, I have had breakthroughs in my religious life. I feel like most of this is due to my religious breakaway. For years, I have been questioning religious leadership—especially of the church I grew up in. I tried other churches, but they just weren’t for me. Church wasn’t for me; religion wasn’t for me. Listening to men and women tell me God’s word just didn’t sit well with me. Why did I trust other people to tell me what I could ask on my own? I understand some people need that direction—they need people to tell them how to act. I don’t like being told what to do. If you have read the Bible, Jesus wasn’t a rule follower—he was a rule breaker. He questioned authority. He did His own thing to do good in the world. So, why should I follow rules, and blindly follow authority? I will do my own thing to do good in the world. I will read God’s word and determine the best way to live my life.

               I am learning to follow my intuition. This is not easy for me. I was born a doubter. I can feel something in my soul is right to my deepest core, but I will question it. I will research to find the answer. I will find the answer that satisfies me. I will think of all the ways it’s impossible to try to make my intuition logical. But intuition isn’t logical. Intuition is trusting how you feel. That’s not how organized religion works—you do as your told, and you don’t question. I have learned faith is an interesting concept. In religious societies you are taught to have faith—in the leaders, in the prophets, in the popes, etc., but you are never taught how to have faith in yourself and your feelings. In your intuition. Breaking away from what organized religion taught me has not been uneasy to undo. Having faith and trust in myself and my intuition is something I am continually learning how to do. No matter how one looks at it, faith is necessary in life—whether you need it for religious confidence or personal confidence. Faith is not a feeling; faith is a choice. Faith is your miracle-working power.

As I continue my journey of healing and growth, I know it won’t always be easy—that there will be some setbacks, but there will also be breakthroughs. I hope more breakthroughs than setbacks. Breakthroughs to heal my mind, spirit, and body. Breakthroughs to help me be a kinder and happier person. Breakthroughs to share with others, who are also on their own healing and growth journey.