Living

Music is my life. I listen to it all the time—maybe too much. It sustains me. I have playlists for several things on my phone. Of course, there is a Dierks’ playlist. Because he’s my favorite. I was listening to that playlist a couple weeks ago, and one of the songs I listen to less often came on—I don’t know why I listen to it less often, but it’s not one of my favorites. When it came on my playlist that day, the lyrics and meaning hit me. “Living.” all too often we go through the motions of life, but are we really living life? Then, I watched the video: Dierks Bentley – Living (Official Music Video).  Dierks wakes up, and he doesn’t really want to be awake, but then he enjoys every moment of the day because he’s living. 

The message was clear, “It’s a beautiful world sometimes I don’t see so clear.” We don’t pay attention, or we get caught up in the details. There is beauty and joy all around us if we just pay attention. Here’s more of the message: “Some days you just breath in / Just try to break even / Sometimes your heart’s / Poundin’ out of your chest / Sometimes it’s just beatin’ / Some days you just forget / What all you’ve been given / Some days you just get back / Yeah, some days you’re just alive / Some days you’re livin’ / Some days you’re livin’ / Like you never die / Blue’s a little bluer up in the sky / Your high’s a little high / You feel that fire you’ve been missing / Some days you’re living…Some days you start singin’ / And you don’t need a reason / Sometimes the world’s just right / Your clear eyes ain’t even blinkin’.” Life happens. It isn’t always beautiful, but other times, it’s really amazing. That’s just part of the experience. We have some rough days, and we have some amazing days, and that’s just part of how we live and grow, and become who we are. To live is “to be alive.” I want to live more of my days with the fire and the song—like nothing can go wrong, and everything will just be amazing because the truth is, living is amazing. 

After “Living” ended, one of my favorite Dierks’ songs started playing. “You Can’t Bring Me Down” was realized at a perfect time in my life. I was stuck. My heart had just gotten broken; I didn’t know what direction I wanted to go in life.  I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.  I heard this song, and it reminded me I can do hard things. I have done hard things before. And even though life was not going the way I wanted it to, I could always find a reason to be happy. After all, “You don’t get this far without knowing how to get up off the ground.”  This song has been my go-to ever since to remind me to “turn up the volume / On life, on love, on the way I feel right now / Yeah, I learned how to let go, and how to take the high road / I’m on another level, you can’t bring me down.” I have learned how to love, to live, to feel, to forgive. I have brought myself to another level. Life may get me down, but it won’t keep me down. This song is amazing and has brought me so through so many tough moments in life. (As always, thank you Dierks for making music that is amazing.) 

Dierks Bentley – You Can’t Bring Me Down (Official Fan Story) 

These past few months have been tough ones for me—again, I feel stuck. I don’t have the job I want. I am applying, but I am not receiving the offers I want. I want to be in Nashville, but I don’t feel like it’s my time to be there. The timeline of things that I want are not happening in the timeframe I wish they would. I have had so much dental work I have felt overwhelmed and in pain, and I just want it to be over. When I look in the mirror, I see all the things I haven’t accomplished, and all my imperfections, and it’s defeating. I could go on, but I don’t want to live that way. 

When these moments happen, I remember my 2022 theme song: “It’s a Great Day to Be Alive” by Travis Tritt. This year I have felt: “Now I look in the mirror and what do I see? / A lone wolf there starin’ back at me…Lord I guess [s]he’s doin’ alright / And it’s a great day to be alive /I know the sun’s still shinin’ when I close my eyes / There’s some hard times in the neighborhood / But why can’t every day be just this good? / Sometimes it’s lonely / Sometimes it’s only me / And the shadows that fill this room / Sometimes I’m fallin’ …. but it’s a great day to be alive.”  

It’s a Great Day to Be Alive lyrics 

Sometimes, life and living are all about perspective. Living is about looking for the good and not the bad. I know it’s human nature, and it doesn’t help I am an overthinker/analyzer/processor, but I get caught up in the present, and I can’t look past what’s right in front of me for that perspective. I feel overwhelmed in moments. It’s when I step away and take a breath that I realize everything will work out how it’s supposed to and when it’s supposed to.  

This past week was especially testing for me—I learned a lot about living. I am going to share details about my week that may be graphic to some (warning). As many of you know, my back molars grew in during the past two years, and shifted some of my teeth, so my smile is different and my bite is misaligned. I have struggled with smiling for the past two years because I feel my smile is ugly. In the midst of those teeth re-aligning everything, I lost some gum tissue in two of my bottom teeth. To risk not losing those teeth, especially during orthodontics, my orthodontist told me I needed to have a gum graft done to protect those teeth.  

I went to the periodontist in the beginning of February, and we scheduled the surgery for April 18th because I didn’t have anything major on my schedule that week. (After an initial freak out about the cost—remember, I often have to take a step back and process things before I realize they will be okay.) Then, life as it often does, changed: my sister and her fiancé postponed their wedding from 2/22/22 to 4/22/22 because he also needed to have surgery performed. When I called the periodontist’s office to see if I should reschedule the surgery, they told me I would be fine having my surgery 5 days before my sister’s wedding. (I feel like they misguided me, and you will see why!) 

I get everything in order to have my surgery because I didn’t want to disturb my parents the week of the wedding—I didn’t want to add more to their plate because I knew they would already be busy and stressed. Three days before my surgery, my ride canceled on me. My mom stepped in and ended up having to take me, even though that’s exactly what I didn’t want. In the end, I am glad she was there to take me because she learned the best ways to help me through the recovery. (We shared a hug because my mom gives great hugs, even though I am not a great hugger. When you’re in pain, a hug from your momma is healing in so many ways). Because of the wedding was 5 days after the surgery, I asked not to be sedated intravenously. Instead, I took a valium the night before and the morning of the surgery. In my overthinking brain, I was so worried about not waking up for my alarm, I didn’t sleep well the night before.  

The surgery went well. After the surgery, I had to pick up the prescriptions because I was prescribed oxycodone, which meant I had to go to the store post-op. So, there I am, aimlessly wondering around Target, numb (because I need extra numbing whenever I have dental work done—thanks to being a redhead (we fight numbing for some reason), and genetics (my mom needs extra numbing, too), and swollen, and drooling all over my sweater (for April, Monday was really cold here, and I swear they keep medical/dental offices chilly to preserve people, lol). Because I couldn’t feel my face to wipe away the blood, I ended up getting blood all over my sweater and neck. It was gross. My mom kept finding me tissues to clean up, so it wasn’t so bad. I am sure people were seeing the scene and wondering what was going on, but I didn’t feel well, so I didn’t care. I felt like I was outside of my own body watching a tv show/movie and cringing at the main character, but then I couldn’t turn it off because it was actually happening to me. I ended up sleeping most of the day. If you know me, rest isn’t in my vocabulary. It’s not something I do well—I need to be active. I also am not good at being dependent on people, so having watchful eyes nearby was uncomfortable for me. This was the last dental procedure I need to have done, and I am very grateful for that. I hope this is the last procedure ever. I am manifesting right now: I WILL HAVE NO MORE DENTAL WORK EVER AGAIN. MY TEETH ARE HEALTHY. 

Tuesday, life had to go on, there was a wedding. Granted, I am not sure how helpful I was to my parents. I worked Tuesday night. I let my parents drive me to and from work because that was a battle I wasn’t going to fight. I did end up rescheduling some appointments I had Tuesday and Wednesday because I didn’t feel up to it. Again, not very me. On Tuesday night, I began losing the protective covering from the roof of my mouth, which the surgeon put in place to protect the host site—they had told me I wouldn’t start losing it for 5-14 days. This was not even 2.  I panicked and called the surgeon—they said it was fine, to put some medication on it. On Wednesday, I lost some more of the covering, and my mouth was bleeding. My mom said it looked red and angry, so I called the oral surgeon again, and they reiterated the same message. It was red and angry—an unprotected wound on the top of the sensitive part of the mouth is not ideal. I took some more medication and rested. I figured I hadn’t rested enough, so my body was fighting the healing. Plus, when my mom and I went to Costco, I tried to eat a hot dog, which did not go well. Not because of the hot dog but because the bun kept sticking to the roof of my mouth. It’s been difficult eating. I’ve eaten food straight out of cans because it’s soft nourishment, and I didn’t want to heat it because I was afraid the heat would burn the roof of my mouth. While I don’t love sharing this, it is what my life has been during this time. (BTW: I have like 5 different medications, which is really hard to keep track of, and they tell you not to brush your teeth where the stitches are, which is totally gross, and I don’t know how well I have followed that direction—a q-tip with toothpaste doesn’t do the same job). 

On Thursday we had the wedding rehearsal/ groom’s dinner. The groom’s dinner was at a fancy Brazilians steakhouse where they bring the meat right to you. Brasa Steakhouse, Raleigh, NC. Brady and I cut out in the middle of the dinner because this amazing cookie place was around the corner–Crumbl Cookies – Freshly Baked & Home Delivered Cookies. I am not a cookie fan, but I tried the snickerdoodle. Not a good option. It was too crunchy. The night only got worse from there. I tried eating only soft foods, on the left side of my mouth, but it was difficult, and some of the meat I cut super small got caught in my stitches. That was very painful. I was so excited for the lamb because I love lamb, but the meat was underwhelming. I was unimpressed and felt Benjamin’s parents paid too much for the meal we were served, though his mom was very sweet and made sure the waitress brought me mashed potatoes to eat, so I could at least eat something. By the time we got back to my parent’s house, I was in lots of pain. Instead of hanging out with the rest of the bridal party, I went home and to bed. 

One thing I have always appreciated about my sister Samantha is she marches to the beat of her own drum, and she doesn’t care what other people think about her. However, her lack of planning/ decision making wasn’t ideal for a wedding day—well, for me. For me, it was stressful because Samantha’s lack of decision making meant too many decisions were being influenced by other people—decisions that I believe shouldn’t have been made on the day of the ceremony. I kept having to remind myself it wasn’t my wedding, and if it didn’t bother Samantha, I shouldn’t let it bother me. Truthfully, I asked not to be a bridesmaid—not because I don’t love my sister, but it’s just not my thing. She denied my request. Hahah. In order to live, you have to do some things outside of your comfort zone. I hope the trip out of my comfort zone made her day better. 

I had a much better time than I expected. There were many stressful moments in the wedding/throughout the day, but I found ways to relax and enjoy myself: Jack Daniels/Elijah Craig—I only had a little bit to drink in the hours before the wedding, but because I can’t eat a lot, it hit harder. By the time it was time for the ceremony, I felt nice, and I couldn’t feel my teeth, which was a bonus. By the time we got to the reception, Morganitis (my Greek alter ego) was in full force. She was wild. She danced; she sang; she flirted; she lived her best life. She got grinded/ground (?) on by the best man. A good time was had by all. I got a text message from my mom at 2 in the morning, “It was nice to see you having fun. Brady was happy about it, too.” (My family knows I carry a lot of stress/anxiety/thoughts, and my brother is very protective of me).  

Normally, I don’t let people see Morganitis. I protect her fiercely because she makes me open and free and vulnerable. Morgan is serious and quirky and guarded. Subconsciously, I think I don’t show the less serious side of myself because I want people to take me seriously. I have worked hard. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself. I want to always be in control of myself. Here’s the thing about letting Morganitis show: I was in control of myself. I did not make a fool of myself. I was open and free and vulnerable, and I liked it. A few weeks ago, my friend Kylee told me the most vulnerable someone can be is when they sing or dance or have sex because they are putting themselves out there. To let people see me sing and dance is putting myself out there. It’s uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone, but I lived life, and it was fun. 

I saw some pictures/videos of the day. I noticed at the beginning of the day, I smiled without my teeth showing. I have been extremely self-conscious about my teeth, and how they look because of all the dental work I have had done. Yet, people still thought I was beautiful with my smile when I did show my teeth. You can’t see any stitches in any picture. Sharks and children have pretty gnarly teeth, and they don’t care what other people think about what their teeth look like—they just live their best lives, so I am going to live my best life because I am working on fixing the issues my teeth as quickly and safely as I can. I also did some research and 40% of people have some kind of dental drama. To me, this indicates we are all human, and there should be a more affordable way to fix these issues. I can’t compare myself to others and their teeth because our situations are not the same. I have been lucky enough that I could afford to fix my issues. 

I also looked at my smile lines—my sisters don’t have them. I am older, and I sleep terribly. I can’t compare myself to them. Smile lines are beautiful to me because they mean you smile. Why should we get rid of them with Botox and things that aren’t natural? One thing that makes me sad about our society is that we don’t value the beauty of aging—of living a full life. Betty White, at 99-years-old, was beautiful because her soul was beautiful, and she earned every wrinkle on her face and hands. I am not perfect—and I can’t live my life worrying about what I look like to other people—that takes up too much time and energy. I also grew up with sisters who are model beautiful, and I have never wanted to limelight, so I am happy to stay in the background and learn/observe. Some may say that’s not living, but it’s just living more quietly. I will never want to be the center or attention. I do not want the focus to be on me. I do know, however, though, I do need to be less critical of myself and my imperfections.  

Another way I believe we don’t live is because/through our technology. We are the most connected people, but in the same breath, the most disconnected people. I will admit I am terrible about my phone.  I leave it places all the time because it’s not important to me. I have never been one to be super connected, though. Sadly, when I lived in Greece, I missed so many pictures because I was in the moment, and I didn’t take pictures because I was living those moments. Generation Z (those born mid 90s-early 2000s) are consumed with being present on the internet and social media that they are losing touch with reality. I just don’t think people need to main some privacy in their personal lives—generally speaking, people share too much information on social media with people they barely know. Some things should be kept for our closest friends and family. While I am speaking generally, I call them Generation Zombie because they look like zombies the way they are glued to their screens. It’s not just their generation though, the world is too attached to their technology. As a society, we need to disengage from social media by spending more time with people and with nature—more time in the living world. I know when I go to Dierks every year I concentrate too much on capturing his performance, rather than just living it. I need to be better about that.  

As I said before, a lot of times it’s because I get stuck in my head—thinking and analyzing things. I just need to get out of my brain, and live—without thinking, haha. I am making it my goal this year to live more fully. To take the vacation I want. To go to Lambeau and watch my team win the Superbowl—be a loud and crazy (but respectful) fan. Take the leap. Be brave. Make the moves that need to be made in relationships and life. Let Morganitis out a little more. After all, I want to LIVE life, and as the saying goes: you only LIVE once! I am not going to miss any moments because I wasn’t living those moments like I should have been living them!