This is Me…

For some time the word enigma has perplexed me. Someone once told me I was an enigma. So, in typical Morgan fashion, I had to find out the meaning and origin of the word. I love words, and I love researching them. I looked enigma up, and the word means to be a mysterious person. I have never considered myself a mystery, but upon consideration, everyone is a mystery. Mystery comes from the Greek word μυστήριον (mustérion), which is used in terms like these: a mystery, secret, of which initiation is necessary. Maybe I am an enigma. Maybe it’s difficult for people to know me. Initiation is necessary to become part of my life. I am slowly learning who I am, and what makes me tick myself, so I will let you know when I have it all figured out. Doing so might take a while, though. I have been told I have life all together, that I know where I am going. Truthfully, I don’t have it all figured out, and I am not sure of the direction I am going. I try to be a better person every day, and every day I am learning how to do so, and how doing so shapes me.

This is what I do know. I am old-fashioned. Oh wait, maybe not old-fashioned. Call me a traditionalist. I like the sound of that better. I believe in marriage and children should be born in wedlock. Many societal problems would be better if children were born to a married couple. I speak this from experience. While I do understand there are some situations this is not the case, i.e. divorce, death. There are more babies born to couples that are not committed to each other than those that are. Being a child of the latter, my life would have been easier, in some ways, if I was a child of the former. Yet, I ended up being a child raised by two committed parents.  Because of my upbringing, I struggle to comprehend why people commit to each other but don’t marry. I don’t see what holds them back. It doesn’t bother me because it doesn’t impact me, but I don’t understand it. I probably never will. Personally I would need the commitment of marriage to build my life with someone. While waiting for a relationship, I pursued an education. My intention was not to put marriage and a family second, life happened this way. I would have welcomed a family, if one had come, but I think my independence intimidates men, so they don’t even try. I am not brave enough to put myself out there. Here I am: an educated, single woman. There is still societal stigmas no matter which path you choose, so it’s almost a lose-lose situation. What society needs to understand is love and relationships are different for everyone and happen when they are meant to happen.

I have never believed in the idea of “the one.” There are too many factors which would have to align perfectly for two destined people. Movies lie. Another person will never complete me. I do believe that two people can make each other “the one” through hard and commitment to one another. Love is hard work. Being single doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me. In fact, in church a few weeks ago, the pastor put it like this, “single (one) is a while number.” I am whole all on my own. Another person would only enhance my life. I love me as I am. I am whole as I am. There is nothing wrong with me because I am not coupled.

When I was younger, I always imagined I would get married at an older age, but I thought I would be 25 or 26. On the other hand, I never imagined I would be Dr. Lehman. Pursuing my Doctorate was a dream that came later in life. When I began pursing my Doctorate, I wanted to be completed by the time I was 30, but I didn’t even begin until after I was 30. I did receive two other degrees in that time. I now have 5. I read an article recently claiming I am in the majority of people in my generation. People are waiting until after they complete degrees to marry and start a family. If you want to read the article, you can find it here: https://getpocket.com/explore/item/marriage-has-become-a-trophy?utm_source=pocket-newtab&fbclid=IwAR3Go3MM-ZoVR3EDKQNxeXdMvrhy3C0qS8V3l8Q6Rj-AQDOsbV75GIy6pLk. I have high standards, but I am not seeking perfection. I know that doesn’t exist. I wouldn’t want someone to expect perfection from me. Today, I heard the song, “Born to Fly” by Sara Evans, and the lyrics spoke to me: So I confessed my sins to the preacher / About the love I’ve been prayin’ to find / Is there a brown eyed boy in my future, yeah / He says. girl you’ve got nothin’ but time / But how do you wait for heaven / And who has that much time / And how do you keep your feet on the ground / When you know, that you were born, you were born to fly…

Let me explain what I mean when I say traditionalist, and why aspects of me may seem enigmatic. When it comes to relationships, I believe men should make the moves. Men should pursue a woman if he wants her. Though I don’t want to date everyone that asks me out, if a man asks me out, I will give him a chance. It takes great bravery to put himself out there with the potential for rejection. I can give him a chance.  If I am in a relationship, I want little gestures showing he cares—a bouquet of yellow tulips (my favorite) on a random Wednesday, singing me my favorite song (guitar playing is a bonus), kissing the back of my back (that’s super sexy to me), and I will do the same for him. I don’t need a Rom-Com hold-the-boombox-over-your-head-outside-my-window moment. That only happens in the movies. While that is one of my favorite love movies, it’s not real. This is the reason Valentine’s Day bothers me so much. People spend a bunch of time, money, and effort on what I call a Hallmark Holiday to show the person they are with they care, when they should be showing their love every day. I want someone I can dance in the kitchen with—laughing and having a good time.  Fights will happen, but generally, love should be fun, easy, joyful.

When it comes to dating, it took me a long time to accept a man holding a door open for me. I always considered myself independent; I could open the door myself. Then, someone I was on a date with made me let him open the door, and I realized he was showing he respected me. He knew I could open the door myself. He wanted to open it because he cared about me. Although I have relented on that aspect of dating, I still am not comfortable with the tradition of men always paying for the meal. I have a job. I can pay for a meal every now and then. I don’t think a man should have to pay because he’s the man. I am fine paying sometimes, or even going Dutch. I miss the days when dating didn’t involve the internet or cell phones, and there was anticipation and excitement getting to know someone. Online dating takes some of the getting-to-know-someone out of dating because it all happens before you meet them. I don’t understand online dating. I want to meet someone in public, get to know them, flirt. Technology both helps and limits relationships. I prefer not to use it. At least to meet someone. Obviously, we will communicate with our phones once we are dating. However, I wouldn’t have to ghost anyone if there were no cell phones.

I want to be comfortable with the person I am dating. They will see me in my mess, but if we leave the house, I will at least straighten up and put mascara on. I want to be presentable when I am in public. I am generally a happy person, but I have my moments of sadness and crankiness. I can usually pull myself out of the moods pretty quickly, but they do happen. A man who can make me laugh, who can be patient with me when these moments happen will be a plus. To me, how he handles these situations will show how much he cares for me. We all want someone who cares for us—not only at our best, at our worst, too. Someone who will stand by our side always.

I like being right—and I usually am, lol—but I don’t want someone to cave to my every whim. I am opinionated, but that doesn’t mean I won’t listen. I want to hear other people’s opinions, and their reasons behind those opinions. I need someone to oppose me, to tell me I am wrong, to make me apologize if I am wrong. In telling me I am wrong, civility and tenderness is desired. If he’s telling me I am wrong just to start an argument, or to be a jerk, we won’t last long. I want someone as passionate as I am in what they believe in. I want to have civil conversations, even if we don’t agree. Someone to challenge me, to help me become a better person. Someone who will *fight* with me and fight for me.

I am a little complicated, but if you take the time to get to know me, I will be your biggest fan. I am a writer, who isn’t great at expressing myself. The words get tangled inside, and they don’t always come out how I mean. I feel deeply, but I can’t always express those feelings well. When I am hurt, I hurt deeply.  As with a sunflower, I am tough on the inside and soft on the outside. I can survive everything I must to face. I proudly wear all the scars I have earned, but protect them with armor. I have been hurt—won’t let hurt hold me back, but I have let it hurt me further. I have held back when I wanted to open myself to someone. That lack of openness has cost me someone I cared about. I don’t regret what happened, but no regret doesn’t mean I never wish things were different.

I consider myself an extroverted introvert. Most of the time, I am quiet and shy. In most situations I will admit even a little awkward. I will care about someone but shy away. Even if they make a move more than once. Sometimes my face doesn’t show how I feel, but when I am asked, I will be honest about the way I feel. On the other hand, I do not accept compliments well, even if I know they are true. I feel awkward when someone tells me I am beautiful. I know I am beautiful, but I do not always feel secure in prettiness. I am a feminine Tomboy. I don’t mind getting dirty, as long as I can clean up afterwards. I am a good girl with a rebellious streak, but the things I have rebelled about, the world would consider innocent and naïve. I am a rule-follower, but I will break the rules I feel I need to for what I think is important, and the people who are important to me. I am a believer, but that doesn’t mean I don’t question my beliefs. Still, I can’t understand when people say they believe in nothing. To me, even science believes in something.

I have an old soul and a young spirit. I struggle with people, and children, but I want to make their lives’ better. I want to change the world. I just struggle being around people to do so. I have been told I am blunt, and my words can be harsh, but I don’t want to hurt people. I am unimportant, but I hope what I do is important to someone. I hope the blogs I write touch people, make them want to be better. I want to accomplish so many things, but I don’t wish to be recognized for them. (I never want to be the focus of attention).  Even if it’s something little. Although I am a writer, I struggle to write. It’s not something that comes to me easily. I write well, but it takes much effort. The words sit upon my heart for much time before they are put on paper.

I love sports. They are a major part of my life. I get worked up while I am watching them. I have been known to do crazy things while watching sports. I get upset if my team loses, but only for a little while because I know life is more than sports. My life goes on despite the results of one game. Yeah, it sucks, but in the grand scheme of things, does it really change my life? No.

At my graduation party, someone told me, “you’re not a girl I would tell she can’t do something.” I do like to what other think I can’t. But, life is a series of contradictions, and we have to do our best to figure out the meaning behind the puzzle.  I am what I consider a spontaneous planner. I like having a schedule, but I will relax that schedule to be fun. I have a fiery passion inside my soul, but I act more on logical than on passion. I tame the ginger in me all too often.

Life is about teaching and learning at the same time. I am spiritual. I pray to God, but in all honesty, it’s a struggle for me. My mind is never quiet. Prayer should be quiet. Time to sort out your thoughts and understand your feelings. My prayer time is usually distracted and often gets put aside. I have tried to say intentional little prayers throughout the day, but that doesn’t work. Meditation was boring, and I couldn’t quiet my mind. It’s an odd feeling to have so much on your heart but not be able to get it out. It’s frustrating. I don’t know if it’s fear, anxiety…I don’t know what it is, but I can’t say what I really want out loud. And it’s something good. I wonder what my brain would be lie if I wanted something bad. Or against my personal beliefs. I am a logical spiritualist. My brain is at debate with itself all the time between what I believe and what is logical.

I hate politics and politicians. I am apolitical. I know politics, though. I have studied them, and I have an opinion on them. You will never know that opinion. That’s no one’s business but my own. However, I do vote. In this, I do for old fashioned reasons: it is my civic duty. I am an American citizen. I cannot complain what I feel is wrong in America, if I don’t know. Most of the problems I see are policies, and with my new degrees, I could work to change them. I have been told I would be a good politician.  I am diplomatic. Some of that comes with having to defend what I believe in on multiple occasions.  You can’t defend that which you do not know, so I learned about my stance, so I could correctly defend it.

I have been reading classic novels as of late. I am noticing I am like the main characters of those novels. I wish I was a little more Elizabeth Bennett than I am, but I feel I am more Jane Eyre. Jane Eyre, while the protagonist of her novel, is not a very interesting character. I don’t find myself very interesting, but my soul longs to tell an interesting story.

As I try to write my story, this life, out, tonight, I have melody and harmony in the tranquil, yet trying moments. These pieces of the puzzle help me understand the mystery, the sacred secret that is me. That is Morgan Laine Lehman.