What is Maturity?

“I don’t want to grow up…” This thought has been on my mind a lot recently. As humans, we’d like to think we do, but we never really grow up. Do we?  Maturity is one of the things in life that is difficult to define—we know it, if we see it. Merriam-Webster defines mature in several diverse ways, including: based on slow, careful consideration; having completed natural growth and development; having attained a final or desired state; having achieved a low but stable growth rate; of, relating to, or being an older adult; and of or relating to a condition of full development,” among others. What do we mean by that? What is that quality of maturity that marks the adult we need in the room?

We’d all like to believe we are mature—we are the adult in the room—but we all have moments when we are not. Dr. Eric Jannazzo, PhD, says maturity is intermingled with authenticity, and that’s one of the reasons maturity is hard to define because we live in a world that’s generally not authentic (and he wrote that in June 2019). Jannazzo defines maturity as, “the behavioral expression of emotional health and wisdom. It is the capacity to know one’s own emotional experience, to be oriented by this experience to some aspect of the truth, to place this truth within the context of other truths, and finally to act in accordance with one’s values.” So, in a way, maturity itself is complex in nature because it’s individual, but it impacts both the self and society. Indeed, we need maturity for others, but more importantly, we need it for ourselves.  

Again, Jannazzo states, “Maturity—the alignment of our truth, our wisdom, and our values—is something we can cultivate.” I believe maturity is a learning curve. Are we going to be 100% of the time—NO (nor should we be) but being mature is knowing when it’s okay to act immaturely, and if we do so at inappropriate times to recognize it and correct the behavior for the next time. We can ask the self crucial questions like: What is important to me? Is my behavior in alignment with these values? What is required of me to move towards healthier relationships? What is called for if I’m to move more directly in the direction of my own true well-being? 

Educator, Tim Elmore, outlines what he calls “marks” of maturity: 

1. A mature person can keep long-term commitments. This means delaying gratification. Keeping commitments when they are no longer new or novel. Doing what is right, even if you do not feel like it. (Admit it, sometimes it feels good to be bad—my alter-ego, Morganitis is a naught, but fun, addition to my life). On the other hand, a mature person is adaptable. When you are adaptable, you are able to go with the flow and change plans without getting stressed or annoyed. You recognize that life does not always go the way we want it to! I do not like my plans changing, but i have learned that sometimes they must—I am working on being less annoyed when they do.  
2. Mature people possess a spirit of humility. Mature people recognize other people’s contributions to their success, and they recognize they didn’t do it themselves. Humility parallels maturity. Humility means to consider other people than yourself. It doesn’t mean you forget yourself or you needs/wants, but you know there are other people outside of you. Mature people aren’t arrogant—this is the opposite of humility.  
3. A mature person is unshaken by flattery/criticism. Mature people can receive compliments or criticism without letting it ruin them or sway them into a distorted view of themselves. They are secure in their identity. It’s knowing other people’s opinions matter only as much as they matter. Sometimes, criticism can help us grow/mature, even though it’s not always fun to hear. Maturity in life is knowing things aren’t always as good or as bad as they seem. We can be better each day than the day before. The criticism may hurt, and even deeply, but a mature person will see how they can better themselves from said criticism. A mature person handles conflict without letting it become toxic. A mature person doesn’t get caught up in drama or the blame-game. Mature people communicate their feelings and approach situations with calm emotions—we all need to work on this one.  
4. A mature person expresses gratitude constituently. We don’t deserve things just because we are human, and it’s immature to presume that we deserve things because we are/because they happened to us. . Being mature means recognizing and being grateful for both little and big things. Mature people see the whole picture and realize how good they have it, compared to most of the world’s population. Keeping a gratitude journal has helped me focus on the good/positive things of life, and how they help make me a better/complete person. I would highly suggest this practice—find 5 things every day to be grateful for and write them down. 
5. A mature person bases decisions on character, not feelings. Mature people have values, and they live their lives by those values. They make decisions based on the principles that guide their lives. They can progress beyond merely reacting to life’s options and be proactive as they live their life. Their character is master over their emotions. A mature person is empathetic. You try to understand what led others to decide how they came to decision—even if you do not agree. You try to understand the people around you and the world is a better place because of it. You work at changing unhealthy habits—you recognize them, and you take steps to work on yourself. You have strong boundaries. You reinforce your boundaries in a respectful, effective manner.  
6. A mature person knows how to prioritize others before themselves. A wise man once said: A mature person is one whose agenda revolves around others, not self. Certainly, this can go to an extreme and be unhealthy, but a pathway out of childishness is getting past your own desires and beginning to live to meet the needs of others less fortunate. That’s why having children is said to mature people—the parents must put someone else’s needs in front of their own. 
7. Maturity means admitting we’re wrong and apologizing. I don’t know many people who like to be wrong, and then admit they were wrong, and then apologize for it. No one likes to be wrong. Life takes maturity and courage to admit you weren’t right, tell the person you were wrong (putting their needs ahead of yours), and committing to not do wrong again. Maturity means to learn from our mistakes. A mature person takes responsibility for their actions. Whether right or wrong. You find a solution for your mistakes, and you do not downplay them/try to cover them up (again, one I am working on). You try to keep an open mind: you listen to other people’s opinions and decide based on your beliefs/principles. Get out of your comfort zone. Try something new. Share your ideas with others and hear theirs—you just might be surprised.  
8. Maturity means thinking before acting. This means being more proactive and less reactive. I struggle with this one. I let people push my buttons, and then react—often poorly—to them doing so. I am working on being better at not reacting so quickly. If we think before we act, we are less likely to say something hurtful/something we don’t mean that we will later have to seek forgiveness for/from someone else.  
9. A mature person seeks wisdom before acting. Finally, a mature person is teachable. They don’t presume to know everything–that they have all the answers. The wiser they get, the more wisdom they seek. They are not afraid to seek counsel from others. The wise seek wisdom. Once they have that wisdom, they allow it to help them guide their decision-making process. We do not know everything, and we always should be learning/stretching our minds.  
10. A mature adult is independent. A mature adult takes care of themselves. They also take care of their responsibilities—bills, work, etc. A mature person has confidence in their decisions (due to reasons listed above). They take action, and get things accomplished. Mature individuals draw on their life’s experiences and common sense to get through life’s trials. A mature person is sensible with their money. This does not mean you do not overspend, but you know how to budget, and you stick to it. You don’t ask people for money each month because you ran out—you work to ern money, and you spend that money appropriately. A mature person has good time management skills. Time management shows you’re dedicated to your commitments, you are organized, and you plan (spontaneity is good, too!) 

We need to instill these marks of maturity in ourselves. It takes effort and learning. Maturity is a learning curve—one we will be on our entire lives. If we fail one day, we must get back up and try again the next.  

Maturity looks different at various stages of life. What does it mean to be the “grown up” in the room at distinct stages.  

A mature 10-year-old is aware of comparisons. This helps them learn self-efficacy and self-esteem. 

A mature 18-year-old knows their wants, needs, and beliefs. Self-maintenance is also important. 

A mature 29-year-old is well established in their identity. They decide what they want to do in life, and where they are headed. It means knowing what you want in a committed relationship, and often being a part of a committed relationship. You know what kind of life you’re going to live, and you try to live that life. Being mature at 29 is having the confidence to know what you believe about things—the values that you trust, and that help guide your life decisions.  

A mature 40-year-old has learned from life and can benefit from experience. It’s learning how to control your emotions when your buttons are pushed (I am working on it—this one is easier said than done). Maturity is being intuitive to your emotions and learning how to think before you respond.  

A mature 55-year-old selects their relationships and priorities carefully. This person begins to focus more on experiences and other people than on things as sources of meaning and pleasure. He or she sees setbacks as opportunities for growth and change. 

A mature 70-year-old can see life as the big picture—to take stock of what has happened so far and to think about what it means for what is yet to come. They can examine their lives intimately or on a broader scale. They can focus on the more positive aspects of everyday life.  

Each stage builds on the stage before. Maturity is a lifelong process. It is recognizing ways we can improve, taking accountability for those changes, and changing for the better. Life is never too late to start making small changes. Life is about building a better life for ourselves and others one day at a time. So, if you feel you need to mature, it’s not too late to start today to be more mature tomorrow.