Simple But Powerful: Thank You, Cards

I don’t know about you, but I get invited to showers and weddings a few times a year. It’s part of life: to celebrate the big moments in life with the people you care about. If you have ever gone to one of the weddings or showers, you probably brought the celebratee a gift or gift card. Most of the time at these events, there is a stockpile of gifts from other attendees. At a shower or birthday, these gifts are sometimes opened during the party. (To me, this is always awkward and kind of boring, but it’s someone else’s special day, so if that’s how they choose to do things, I deal with it). This doesn’t always happen. What happens after the party is over is very telling. If the gift isn’t opened at the party, how do you know the receiver received it? It can be frustrating and anxiety-producing, especially if you spent a lot of money on the gift.

A thank you card may have been standard practice in decades past, but now, those formal cards have been replaced by a text, call, tweet, DM, an email, a personal thank you. Or nothing at all. In a technology-driven world, handwritten notes stand out among the digital notes we receive. Our mail is often filled with bills, mailers, and other junk—not always good news. When you see a handwritten note, you recognize it’s personal. The envelope lets you know it’s from someone you care about, and who cares about you.

Molly Post (1872-1960), known for her writings on etiquette, had a syndicated newspaper column entitled, Do the Right Thing, taught we should do the write thing and send thank you notes. Post taught that thank you notes must be sincere, and they should be written (and sent) promptly. On the other hand, Jackie O’s Chief of Staff, Letitia Baldridge, said it’s never too late to send a thank you card. Baldridge believed your thank you should be sincere, thoughtful, take time, and be authentic to you. *There is an unspoken rule that when you get married, you have 6 months to send out thank you cards for gifts. Personally, I think that 3 months is an adequate amount of time. * While I do not agree with Post, I don’t agree with Baldridge either. A few weeks is an acceptable time to send a note of thanks. If you wait too long, the person may think you forgot about them, or they may forget what they gifted you.

Expressing thank you in writing is a permanent record of your feelings and may be read multiple times. Author and UC-Davis Psychology professor, Robert Emmons explained that expressing gratitude is a core building block reciprocity, “it is not only a response to kindness received, but it is also a motivator of future benevolent actions on the part of the recipient. Serving these functions gratitude enhances our own well-being in that we are built for relationships.” In a sense, sending a thank you note is a sign of maturity and emotional intelligence.

Research has shown thank you cards makes the recipient happier and more engaged while expanding the emotional quotient of the person writing the note. So, both people are happier. Psychology Science suggests most of us overestimate the awkwardness of expressing gratitude while underestimating the positive impacts of gratitude. Expressing gratitude is a win-win: you feel good/the recipient feels good. The magazine’s research also suggests expressing gratitude helps you more fully express gratitude in your daily life. Why not send a thank you? Doing so costs little and only takes a few minutes of your time. The act takes very little and has the potential for far and long-lasting impacts.

There are many reasons to send a thank you card to someone: gifts, hospitality, business presentations, job interviews, and sometimes, just to say thank you. To send someone a thank you card is good manners. The card lets the receiver know you received their gift and are grateful for their gift. When I buy someone a gift, I take my time and effort to buy a thoughtful gift, one I believe matches the occasion and their personality. A thank you card represents the receivers’ thoughtfulness and appreciation of the givers’ thoughtfulness, it’s a cycle. Even if the gift is money or a gift card, it’s important to recognize the giver had to work, and they sacrificed their time and earned money to gift you that gift.

Personally, I find joy from sending a thank you card. For me, choosing a thank you card is the first key in sending one. I have many stacks of thank you cards in my stash—some that fit my personality, some that have beautiful pictures, some that are fun, some cute, even some that are blank. If you need a thank you card, I have one for you!

The truth is a text message with an emoji or gif seems flippant and cheesy. The receiver deserves better. This is one up from ungrateful silence!

I have received many treasured thank you notes from family and friends. Not one of them the same, but I appreciated them all. Although I throw most of them away after I have read them, I have a few treasured ones I have tucked away. One special one from my Grandma Teri, which is a combination of life advice/thank you/just because. Another from my Grandma Carrol, which is similar. A few from my mom, which are good reminders of my existence on this earth, and frustration-reducers when she’s annoying me, lol. I have a couple from my siblings, too.

It’s not just good manners to send someone a thank you note for a gift or meeting, a thank you card may serve as a pick-me-up for the receiver. A thank you card is also a humble reminder to yourself that you are fortunate enough to have friends and family who care about you enough to support you, and you are fortunate enough to write them to thank them. Gratitude is such a small and simple feeling, but it changes our thoughts and actions in nig ways.

There are a few times when it’s good to send a thank you card:

• Job interview- sending a thank you makes you stand out among other applicants. It’s also a good way to network. You might not get the job, but the simple thank you may open other opportunities in the future. Thank whoever interviewed you for their time and interest. Your thank you might make the HR directors remember you later. Connections are key and can be a catalyst. You never know where a simple gesture may take you! Nowadays, when I can’t find the address to send the thank you card to for the interview because it’s hard to find addresses, I send emails. Something is better than nothing.
• Scholarships/Awards- Let the giver know how this award impacts your life, and what you will do with it in the future.
• Wedding/Birthday/Anniversary/Holiday/Celebrations- Discussed at length above!
• Condolences/Support/Well Wishes- Someone was there for you, and it’s good to acknowledge their presence in your life, and what it meant to you.
• Professional Mentoring or Recommendations- Much like the scholarship/award, let the receiver know how much their mentorship/recommendation meant in your life.
• Hospitality/Acts of service- It’s just good manners to let someone know you appreciate what they did for you. Call me crazy, but I sent one to the Air BNB hosts I stayed with in Green Bay last year because of their kindness

There is no such thing as sending a thank you when you’re showing gratitude. If you search the internet, there are many answers on when to send a thank you for the categories listed above. For me, to attend an event, gift the event thrower, and not receive an acknowledgment is hard not to take offense. Even if there was a text—many texts are received and overlooked. Even an in-person, day-of-the-event thank you may seem like a have to, instead of a want to. A handwritten, personal thank you note is a personal touch to show your friends and family you took time out of your day to write them and send them a special message.

*3 KEYS for the Perfect Thank You Card (Lizzie Post, LA Times):

1) Opening/Greeting

2) Thank the giver for the specific item and tell them how you have/will use the gift

3) Closing. You may add a wish for the future.

These thank yous can be light-hearted and playful and reference the past/present/future, but above all should be personal.

Doing quick research, it seems many people miss thank you notes—especially older generations. Yet, people aren’t sending them. It’s not because they don’t care. Is it laziness? Is it complacency? Do people feel a text is adequate? Or because technology rules the world and no one writes anymore?

My mom is notorious for sending thank you notes. In fact, I received one in the days I was drafting this blog. These notes will show up in our mailboxes at any time for any reason. I have begun to do this as well. When someone is on my mind for any reason, I make sure to send them a quick note. I don’t want to leave a note unwritten that should have taken me minutes to write.

Sending thank yous  is a lost art, and one we need to revive. How can we make sure they come back? Teach the children the significance of them and have them write them to others. Write them ourselves. Send them even if they seem insignificant and small—they matter more than we realize and know.