Apology

“I’m sorry,” two of the most difficult words we, as humans, have to say, and most of us have to say those words quite often. We do dumb things. We do hurtful things. We have to express regret for wrongs we’ve done. We all make mistakes, and sometimes hurt people through our behavior, words, and actions – intentionally, or by accident. When we hurt someone, we need to restore their trust in us. Apologizing isn’t always easy, but it’s essential to the people we hurt and to ourselves. Apologizing is difficult because it forces us to be vulnerable by opening us to blame and attack. Apologizing puts our self-worth at risk. Indeed, apologizing takes great courage. Some people struggle being this brave. Many people struggle being this brave. 

We’ve probably all been on the bad end of an apology. More than likely, you’ve probably made a bad apology (or two) yourself. That’s understandable—apologizing is not an easy task. You want to make amends, but you’re not sure how to say you’re sorry. You might worry about saying the wrong thing, or making things worse. Remember: no matter how bad you feel, the other person likely feels worse. Failing not to recognize their pain does them more injustice.  

We are in an age of apology. Celebrities. Politicians. You can’t turn on the news, or look at the internet, without seeing someone apologizing for something that has offended or hurt someone. With people apologizing for seemingly everything, it makes me wonder: are apologies as effective as they were in the past? Do people apologize just to apologize? Because they feel they have to, or do they really mean their apology? Do we apologize just to apologize? 

I don’t think we are apologizing more than we have in the past. I believe what we are apologizing for has changed. Apologizing also indicates what our values are. An apology isn’t a box we just check off. Apologies are complex, and influence how we see ourselves, and how others see us. They help us mature and become more well-rounded.  

Studies have found the more we apologize, the more people expect apologies. One study found evidence of a “normative dilution” effect, where the norms surrounding a behavior devalue its symbolic worth. The study showed apologies are considered valuable because of the message they are giving to others—whether they are genuine or not (Apologies demanded yet devalued: Normative dilution in the age of apology – ScienceDirect). We’re saying sorry just to say sorry, but we’re really not authentically sorry for our actions, or the hurt/harm they have caused to others.  

When we are bombarded with apologies, we start feeling like they don’t mean anything. They feel inauthentic to us. So, we value the action (apologies) less. We start not accepting those apologies, so they are ineffective. The apology means nothing to either party. People want more. When we are being apologized to, we want to see it’s coming from the other person’s heart—they mean what they are saying.  

What do we do when the wrong is so deep/so hurtful, that no apology will ever make the person wronged feel like the apology has been meaningful? Will be meaningful? (I think of the murderers and those victimized by their actions). If you’re in this position, you may be full of shame and embarrassment about your actions, you don’t want to face the person you hurt. Keep in mind if you apologize, the other person may not be ready to forgive you. Give them time to heal. Just reiterate your apology to them.  Remember people don’t heal in the same ways. If you heal by apology, someone else might heal through vengeance. Everyone’s narrative is different—full of truth, gaps, and shifts. 

An apology has 2 key elements: 

1. Shows you feel remorse for your actions, which have hurt someone.  
2. Acknowledges the hurt your actions have caused someone. 

In essence, you really need to believe you did something wrong, and feel sorry for the hurt you caused someone. Research shows people often don’t apologize because they are afraid it will damage their self-image, or it won’t do any good away. Or maybe, they just don’t see they did anything wrong. If you don’t think you did anything wrong, why would you apologize? 

These two elements may seem redundant, but humans often don’t understand other human’s emotions. By apologizing, you open up a dialogue with the person you hurt. You can better understand one another. They may better understand why you did what you did, and you may understand how your actions hurt them. They can process their feelings. An apology can help restore their dignity. Often, as humans, we take blame when bad things happen in our lives—even when other people commit wrongs against us. If we apologize to someone, when we have wronged them, we can help them avoid blaming themself for our actions. 

Apologies= integrity. By admitting to our wrongdoings, we can maintain our self-respect. Apologies serve as reminders, and we will act better in future situations. Your apology might not be accepted right away, but you can feel relieved you tried to make amends. People want to feel like they are heard and understood, even if you don’t always agree with them. This may help validate how they feel, even if your recognition doesn’t change what happened.  

If you don’t apologize, it may damage your relationships, or harm your reputation. This may lead to feel pressure into apologizing. Even though apologizing is crucial to relationships, they should be stated at the right time, right place, and in the right spirit—you shouldn’t just apologize because you’ve hurt someone—your apology should be heartfelt. It’s all about intent. A study, performed by research author, Cynthia M. Frantz, suggested that you can apologize too quickly. She stated, “The purpose of an apology is to help the victim feel heard and understood, and convince them that the perpetrator is not going to do it again.” Saying you are sorry after you have heard the person out, and had time to reflect on their feelings and your actions, may lead to a more impactful apology.  

Psychologists Steven Scher and John Darley (1997) suggested 4 steps a person can use to apologize: 

1. Express remorse for a mistake 
2. Admit responsibility 
3. Make amends 
4. Promise the wrong won’t happen again 

Every apology should begin with, “I’m sorry,” or “I apologize.” Your words should be/feel sincere and authentic. Be honest with yourself and with the other person. Tell the truth about why you want to apologize. Don’t apologize if you have ulterior motives, or if you see the apology as a means to an end (again, intent). Know what you are apologizing for—it’s difficult to express sincere regret when you don’t know what you are saying you’re sorry for. Generic apologies often fall flat and may lead to more conflict.  

When you apologize, it’s easy to explain your actions, but these explanations may seem like justifications or excuses, or as if you are shifting blame. Instead, admit responsibility for your actions/behavior, and acknowledge what you did. Empathize with the person you wronged, and show them you understand how your actions made them feel. Focus on your actions, not your intent. You may not have intended to hurt the person, but you did, so it’s important you recognize what actions hurt them. The hurt person deserves to share their feelings, so it’s important to practice empathetic listening when you apologize. This may be uncomfortable, but it’s an important step in showing remorse.  

Think about the words you use when you want to make amends—don’t just offer token gestures because they may feel like empty promises. This may do more harm than good. Also, your guilt may cause you to give up more than what is appropriate. You need to reassure the other person you’re going to change your behavior. At times, you may need to ask, “what can I do to make things right?” Show them you truly regret your actions by doing what they ask. This is a vital component of rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship. Make sure you honor your commitment to change to prove your trustworthiness and accountability.  

Don’t overdo it. The apology should match the mistake. Excessive apologies or reparations may make you feel better, but they may not benefit the victim in any way. Over apologizing may make the victim skeptical of your sincerity. It’s always important to remember: the apology is for THEM not YOU. (Avoid I/me statements.). But, it’s also important you shouldn’t have to keep paying for your mistakes. That’s not fair to you, and it doesn’t allow you to move forward.  

It’s better to apologize to a person face-to-face. If you do, they can see your emotion and intent. Apologizing in person lets you show your sincerity through cues such as tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. If you cannot apologize face-to-face, follow the same guidelines in a letter or email. Clearly let the person know how sorry you are. Once you have spoken your apology, you have the opportunity to live it by reaffirming your boundaries, working to re-establish trust, and examine your behaviors to take opportunities to grow.  

When you apologize, it’s important to ask for forgiveness. Requesting forgiveness in an important part of an apology because it gives the person wronged some agency in the situation. Asking for forgiveness shows them you don’t assume they will forgive you for your wrongdoings. But, apologizing when you did nothing wrong, just to avoid conflict, can impact your self-worth. Don’t apologize if you’re not at blame. An apology acknowledges your part in the conflict, not someone else’s–they need to acknowledge the part they played. When you apologize, it’s easier to move forward, despite the other person’s actions. If you expect an apology in return, you’re using manipulation to try to get what you want, and your apology isn’t heartfelt.  

Apologies allow us to put the past behind us. Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t relive your mistake. That’s not forgiving yourself. You can’t better yourself if you are reliving the mistakes you once made.  

 Sometimes, it’s difficult to forgive people who have wronged us, but we shouldn’t hold on to anger and resentment, either. This is especially true of ourselves, too. We need to practice self-forgiveness. Here are 12 tips to assist you in self-forgiveness: 

1. Focus on your emotions 
2. Acknowledge the mistake out loud 
3. Each mistake is a learning experience 
4. Give yourself permission to put this process on hold 
5. Talk to your inner critic 
6. Notice when you are being self-critical 
7. Quiet the negativity of your inner critic 
8. Know what you want 
9. Take your own advice 
10. Don’t replay your mistakes 
11. Kindness and compassion 
12. Seek professional help 

For more information on this topic:12 Tips for Forgiving Yourself (healthline.com) 

The bottom line: your apology may begin with words, but it ends with your actions. Genuine apologies aren’t always easy. They should be explanations but conversations.