Reality

Normally, I hate it when people start a speech or writing with a definition. However, in this case, I feel it’s essential. Come back to this definition if you need to throughout your reading of this blog. Noun: reality- 1. the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them; 2. the state or quality of having existence or substance. This definition was taken from Oxford, which is considered the premiere authority on words and their meanings. As a writer, words are my life, so knowing what they mean, and how to properly use them, is of the utmost importance to me. If it helps, some synonyms are actuality, reality, and truth. Contrarily, the only antonym listed was fantasy. Indeed, there is a great different between reality and fantasy. We live in one and wish for the other.  This reminds me of one of my favorite pre-teen songs. For your viewing and listening pleasure (no making fun): I Wish by Skee-Lo: https://youtu.be/ryDOy3AosBw

Why this word? Why reality? I recently talked with my Uncle John, and we discussed reality. The discussion started my thought process and inspired this writing. One thing he said really struck me, and I think it’s important to discourse. He said to me, “we can’t wish our reality to be different.” He is right. Here’s a cheesy example (no pun intended, lol): recently, I saw my favorite pizza from Wisconsin on sale at Food Lion. I bought one, remembering how good it tasted. When I ate it, it was not what I remembered. In reality, it was just an average frozen pizza. I had remembered it better than what it was. Reality wasn’t my memory. Truth it, memory is not usually reality. Perceptions change over time, and we put spins on things to make ourselves feel better. That doesn’t change what actually happened. Reality hasn’t changed. Only our memory of it. You can make up a story of what you wish your life were, but in truth, that’s not what your life is.  I began thinking in ways in which we wish our reality was different, and the ways in which we do so, and why this may be so.

1. Life. In the past couple decades, I would say reality tv has become what we watch. Every channel has a myriad of reality shows. The Bachelor, Amazing Race, Survivor, The Real Housewives to name a few. I admit I have watched a few. Some are interesting. I used to love watching Project Runway. I don’t care about fashion, but the challenges the designers performed were interesting. The summer Cash was born, Kayla and I watched more Hell’s Kitchen than I would like to remember. Here’s the thing about reality tv: it’s not reality. I don’t know about most people, but I have never been on a date to Paris. I have never married someone at first sight. I don’t lounge around my mansion and order people around. If that’s your reality, lucky you, but that’s not a reality I want. Most reality tv is scripted anyway. Shows like this only lead us to compare ourselves to others, which leads us to unrealistic expectations. Basically, just watching any other drama on tv; these ones under the guise of real life. Reality or not, important lessons can be learned about from reality tv about life. Here are some takeaways: people are messy and complicated. To paraphrase Shrek: “[people] are like onions.” We have layers—many layers. Part of the fun of being human is figuring out those layers. People hurt us, sometimes badly. Sometimes the hurt is intentional; other times it’s not. I hope most people do not intentionally hurt others, but I know it happens. People make bad decisions. At times, bad decisions. People don’t behave how we wish they would, and there is nothing we can do to change someone else’s action. We seek what is comfortable instead of what stretches us and makes us grow. That’s why people will go back to their exes, even if they know it’s not right. Exes are comfortable, familiar. We know their actions. Exes are exes for a reason. It’s human nature to want things to work out, to want people to be better, but sometimes, two people aren’t meant to be together, and we shouldn’t try to force things. People don’t always change. We don’t always change.  If it didn’t work once, it probably won’t work again. We hold on to something that isn’t working because we think eventually it will get better. The truth is: it won’t. You’ll stay, cling to hope, and end up worse off. We pray for things and wish for things, but we don’t work for things. At times, we pray for God’s answers, expecting them to be the same as ours. Often, our plans and wishes are not the plans. It’s not easy enough to wish for things; we must work for them. You can’t wish to be with someone if you don’t act on it.  As humans, we fail to realize other factors are involved: mainly other people. Timing. Personality. Schedule. Often, we only see ourselves as victims, and we don’t see the part we played in the situation. It’s easier to say it’s all someone else’s fault. If we blame other people, we don’t have to take any of the responsibility or blame for our mistakes or shortcomings. In the same vein, we push out the bad memories and only remember the good ones. It’s a defense mechanism. We all do it. In different ways. Here’s the thing: out of the bad, comes good. As Dierks Bentley says, “the hard times put the shine into the diamond, but I won’t let that keep us in the ground.”
2. Love. When I was a youth, I remember a church activity in which we made a list of what we wanted in our future husband. Like most teenagers my list was unrealistic: Southern accent, nice to his mama, played the guitar, tall, tan, singer… to name a few of the characteristics. Truth be told, I still would like some of those things, but I have grown, and my list has become more realistic. I care more about personality than looks. I would take a man who could make me smile and treated me well over one that’s sexy, any day. The man from that list doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as the ideal man. A relationship is flawed and causes learning and growing. Looking for the ideal mate is not fair to the mate you will find; the mate you find will never meet the qualifications you set forth. I recently read an article that one of the top reasons for divorce is merely that the spouse doesn’t meet the ideals the other spouse outlined. Here’s the thing: no one will ever meet those ideals, ever. I am inclined to believe there are other reasons why divorce is so prevalent today, but that’s a subject for another time. This reminds me of a line in a movie I saw when I was a teenager. The movie is called Whatever it Takes, and the plot is basically this: A nerdy teen, Ryan Woodman is smitten with the popular and gorgeous Ashley Grant, who apparently has no interest in him. Meanwhile, dim star athlete Chris Campbell has his eye on Ryan’s brainy and beautiful friend, Maggie Carter. The two agree to help each other in their romantic quests, but, as they come closer to their goals, both Ryan and Chris suspect that they might be pursuing the wrong girls (taken from ImDB). In one scene, Chris drops Ryan off at home after a date with Ashley, and the date didn’t go well. Chris, sensing Ryan’s melancholy says something like, “You finally got your dream girl, and she’s not good enough?” The movie was terrible. Nothing to write home about. (Except James Franco was in it, and I loved James Franco). Why that scene stuck out to me—I don’t know. Except: it’s truth. You can search for your dream person, think you found them, and then realize you haven’t because that person is an image in your head; that person doesn’t exist. It’s unfair to put the demand of the ideal on someone because they will never match the ideal person you have created in your head. One more thing, if someone you are interested in chooses to be with someone else—it doesn’t mean the other person is better than you, or there is something wrong with you. There are many factors to consider when people are mating. All people are different. Don’t discount yourself or your value because someone didn’t choose to be with you. Humans tend to compare themselves to others, or look at what others have, but comparison is not a healthy or effective habit and could cause unnecessary hurt and pain.
3. Perfection. Fake hair. Fake eyelashes. Platinum Blonde. Spray tan. Liposuction. Plastic surgery. Botox. Everyone wants to be perfect. But what is perfect? Everyone’s version of perfect is different, too. I will admit, I am platinum blonde, which is not my true hair color. I wanted to try something different, but I am going back red. I have had plastic surgery, but the plastic surgery was to remedy a birth defect. I believe we are perfect the way we are—freckles, moles, wrinkles, etc. I don’t understand Botox, either. I have been told my think lines—my 11s—are noticeable, meaning I could use Botox between my eyebrows. I am not going to stop thinking, so those 11s aren’t going away. I can’t understand why aging gracefully is not more valued. Why it’s almost seen as a sin. All our imperfections show what we’ve been through in life. I find beauty in old women’s wrinkles. Scars symbolize life events—maybe something that changed us, or we grew from. I find beauty in those, too. I know my scars have made me who I am. The struggles behind those scars have taught me life lessons, which have made me a better person. We don’t want people to see our real selves. If we let people see who we really are, we must be vulnerable. We must open ourselves to being hurt. We must step out what is comfortable. I understand. Vulnerability, un-comfortability are difficult. One of my goals is to be more transparent, more open, and more vulnerable with people. It’s a blessing and a curse of being overly self-aware. 

I am not saying we should never try to look better. We should always try to be our best selves—physically, spiritually, and mentally. Work out. Make your body more physically fit. Eat better. Drink less. You will be healthy, feel better, and look better: all wins. Wear makeup, do your hair. No one wants to date someone who doesn’t take care of yourself. Doing hair and makeup makes you feel good and builds self-esteem. Again, both good things. Your physical looks are not all that matters; they are not who you are. You need to be happy with who you are.

In another aspect of perfection, I considered sports. While it is true, there have been perfect seasons, there is no such thing as perfection. Most notably, the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who went undefeated in the regular season, won all their playoff games, and then won the Superbowl. They are the only team in NFL history to do so. The 1934 Bears, the 1942 Bears, and the 2007 Patriots (oh darn) all came close but didn’t win the big game. In college basketball, it’s more likely to have an undefeated regular season. Notably: the 1973 NC State Wolfpack, who were ineligible for the postseason; the 2014 Wichita State Shockers, who lost in the Round of 32 in March Madness; and most personal to me, the 2015 Kentucky Wildcats, who lost in the Final Four to Wisconsin.  I was devastated when we lost that game—the team had no reason to, except complacency. We came into the tournament thinking we were going to win, and we got outplayed by Wisconsin. The win can’t be taken away from Wisconsin; they were the better team. The truth is best explained in a quote from Remember the Titans. The Titans are about to lose a game, and Coach Boone says all the team can do is play their best. The star player, Julius, replies, “No, it ain’t Coach. With all due respect, uh, you demanded more of us. You demanded perfection. Now, I ain’t saying that I’m perfect, ’cause I’m not. And I ain’t gonna never be. None of us are. But we have won every single game we have played till now. So this team is perfect. We stepped out on that field that way tonight. And, uh, if it’s all the same to you, Coach Boone, that’s how we want to leave it.” In certain situations, like team sports, we can be perfect. In life, we will never be perfect. I am currently reading the book Perfectly Yourself by Matthew Kelly. The book suggests even though we may feel not good enough, not loved enough, not smart enough, etc.; we are enough. We can’t all be great at everything. We must learn and grow from other people and our mistakes to learn and progress. Struggle brings progress. Kelly emphasizes the age-old adage “practice makes perfect” should be “practice makes progress.” We will never reach perfection. Our best chance is to be better each day than the day before. Every day I ask myself: Am I better today than I was yesterday? How can I improve? Did I make someone’s life better today? How can I do better tomorrow? As Kelly says in the book, “Life is not about doing and having: it is about becoming,” and “Personality tendencies and talents should be accepted, but character defects should always be challenged.” I hope I can implement these ideas in my life.

People see us differently than we see ourselves; people see me differently than I see myself. To try to meet my goal of transparency, I have included a picture of myself—first thing in the morning, no makeup, no filter, so you can see the real me. I don’t see extraordinary beauty in my face, but I know I am not ugly either. Truthfully, I don’t use filters when I publish pictures of myself, and I don ‘t always look my best in the pictures I do post. I don’t care what people think of what I look like. People don’t believe me when I say this but looks do not matter to me at all.  While I do wear makeup, I use it very minimalistically. (I have also included a picture of my normal makeup routine). People have seen me with no makeup on, and I am not ashamed. Mascara is my favorite item in my makeup bag. Mostly because my eyelashes aren’t visible to most people. I let my sister contour my face once, which I have also included a picture of, so you can see the difference. I have been called perfect, but I am far from it. I don’t want to live up to the title either—it’s too much pressure. I have many flaws, which I am working to make strengths. I am a great editor, but even after my best, I have found editing mistakes in my novel and in my dissertation. In my dissertation. One of the mistakes was a publishing one—I had no control over it; the other was a pronoun change in my acknowledgements. It bothers me, but there is nothing I can do about it now. Most other people wouldn’t notice, but it’s my work, so it glares at me. I can’t believe I missed it.  People see me as an independent, intelligent, sports lover, but I am so much more than what I think people see. I AM independent and intelligent and a sports lover, but I also love nature, trying new things; I am quirky—quirkier than I would like to admit. I am quiet and shy and reserved. I am not bold or brave: qualities I am working on. I am nerdy. I love learning new things. I am stubborn and like being right. I will share my opinion when necessary but tend to keep it to myself, but watch out if I do share it. I can be feisty and fiery. If I stay quiet, be mindful, you have probably hurt me in some way, and I am trying to process my feelings. I am a thinker and feel deeply.  The truth is I am complex: as we all are. I am figuring myself and all my layers out. I am Morgan. There is a lot about me to learn about and love. There is only one me in this world, and I am perfectly myself. If you want to know someone’s self, ask them; that’s really the best way to find out.

I am not telling you to stop dreaming, hoping, or wishing. Those are all perfectly typical responses to life. They are also healthy in human life. I’m not going to lie: we all need an escape from reality sometime. The trick is knowing the difference between reality and fiction. Blurring the lines could lead to some bad things we don’t want to and shouldn’t have to deal with. Perception. In a way, reality is all about perception. The truth is we see what we want, even if it’s not reality; we believe what we want, too. To coin a new phrase or play on words: perception is 9/10^th’s of the law. Just remember reality is real, factual, and we can’t change reality.