The First Kiss

Most people you know remember when their first kiss was and can tell you who the kiss was this. A first kiss is a rite of passage of life—romantically speaking. Turn on the radio or tv, and there are countless references to first kisses. There is even a painting—Klimt’s “The Kiss,” which depicts the sweet moment two people kiss for the first time. The painting is from the symbolic period and shows the importance of physical, emotional, and psychological connection between two people. After a couple gets married, they share a first kiss as a married couple, signifying a new milestone in their relationship. 

If you think back on your own past, beyond your first kiss itself, you may remember who in your circle of friends was the first to experience this romantic milestone. Your first friend to kiss was cool, popular, and adventurous. On the other hand, if it was you, you were probably the trendsetter in your friend group.

As you can guess, I was not the first of my friend group to receive a kiss. I liked boys all growing up—Chad and Aaron, and we played pretend when we were kids, but no real kisses were ever exchanged. In Junior High and High School, I was the loner-type, the kind you often see depicted in movies. My 16th birthday was based on the movie Never Been Kissed (I related to Josie in the movie, and still do in many ways. Except I didn’t get the hot teacher, lol).  I liked boys, but I was not sure how to act around them. (The same can still be said).

My friends tried to set me up Freshman year in college with a guy named Daniel, but that didn’t go anywhere—he, like me, was shy and reserved, so a relationship went nowhere. It wasn’t until my first semester Sophomore year that the possibility of kissing truly arose. I began casually hanging out (and tutoring) the football team’s tight end (see, I’ve always liked tight ends, lol) in French. We were the talk of our ridiculously small, deeply religious campus—everyone said we were dating, even though he and I had never discussed it. We dated the entire semester. I remember being at his on-campus house and his friend telling me that I shouldn’t kiss someone until I was engaged. (Looking back, I don’t remember what brought up this conversation, but I do remember we were watching FRIENDS, and I also should have seen this as a warning sign). Brian was distant after that—he ghosted me even though we lived at the same place, and then Christmas break (up) happened. We all went home for the holidays, but Brian never came back to school. A couple weeks into Spring Semester, I found out he had gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend, and they were engaged.

Deeply hurt by Brian’s actions, and fearing everyone on campus was talking about it, I transferred to a college closer to home—which happened to be an all-girls school. I did casually date Chris my Junior year, but knew he was going on a mission trip for 2 years, so there was no real need to form a serious attachment to him. We just had fun together. (We did kiss later, though.) 

My Senior year of college my roommate Kat was seriously dating someone, and I got to see how much in love they were with one another. I wanted that. I studied abroad the last semester of my college career in Athens, Greece and joked that i wanted to kiss a Greek in Geece. 

I did. On November 15, I spend the day shopping and got a haircut. There was a party for my friend Peter’s birthday at the bar around the corner from us. The owner of the bar, Dimitri, had a known crush on me, and I was feeling spicy that night. I went to the party thinking he was who I was going to kiss. It wasn’t him. My friend Peter, who I had a love-hate relationship with, bought me my first drink ever—a screwdriver (would not be my drink of choice now—I don’t enjoy vodka or oj). I don’t know if it was the intoxication of the booze (I am a lightweight), or the overall effect of the party, but before I knew it, Peter and I were making out.  

I regretted my first kiss for a long time. It was someone I didn’t have romantic feelings for, and my religious upbringing had taught me kissing someone without having a future with them was wrong.  A few weeks later, during our last party in Greece, we had a get-together. Everyone in our group knew I had a thing for Ilya, so during a truth-or-dare game, I was dared to make out with him. I don’t back down from dares, so Ilya and I made out. Again, not one of my finer moments, but he was a good kisser.  

It wasn’t until I had (stupidly) moved to Utah that I had my first meaningful first kiss with Chris. We had been dating for a few weeks, and he asked permission because he knew I was nervous about it. This was a sweet gesture, and I appreciated he considered my feelings. We kissed once, and then we kissed a lot after that. He was important to me, so I enjoyed every kiss. 

To me every kiss should be meaningful. EVERY kiss. No matter who it’s with. Think about it? You kiss babies, and you kiss dogs. If you are kissing another human, it’s a connection between two souls. Yet, there is little research on such important topic. Probably because most people think it’s important, whether they are a teenager, an old, long married person, or someone beginning to date. Most people want that intimacy with someone else. 

A University of Connecticut study permed by Eva Lefkowitz and her colleagues, performed a study in 2018 on the first kiss, and how people remembered their first kiss. Most people receive their first kiss in adolescence, which the researchers determined was important in timing, context, identity, and intimacy. This helps explain why I struggle with intimacy—my first kiss was later in life.  

The research also suggests that at no matter what age a first kiss happens it “affords many of the positive aspects of other (forms of physical intimacy) without the risk of sexually transmitted infection and/or pregnancy.” No matter what type of relationship a person is in, kissing is considered, according to the authors, to be a “positively valanced behavior in and of itself and is linked to relationship satisfaction and commitment in adolescence and adulthood.” They added people who enter the kissing game late may be avoiding commitment, especially if they’ve delayed their first kiss until they’re well into their college years. The delay of the first kiss, then, may have important psychological meaning.

The researchers also studied the motivation behind wanting to kiss someone. Obviously, the motivation when you are a teenager is different than when are older. You’re first kiss was most likely internally motivated—curiosity or desire, however, some first kisses are motivated by outside factors such as peer pressure Think: truth or dare, 7 Minutes in Heaven. If you held out from peer pressure, and waited until you were ready for your first kiss, it was *more* meaningful for you. Kudos. 

Other predictors of the age of the first kiss investigated in the study included the family’s religious background, the overall quality of relationships, self- esteem, alcohol use, and academic experiences (if in college). The study also looked at body image and body size (body mass index) were also examined as predictors of the age of the first kiss. For instance, I was bigger in high school, and I lacked the confidence to speak to most people—especially boys. I mostly stayed to myself. The study showed that extraverts are more likely to kiss earlier because they are more socially motivated than introverts. They also looked at neuroticism as a factor, believing that those who are more neurotic would be more likely to participate in riskier behaviors. All other things being equal, participants most likely not to have kissed at all in their lifetimes were higher on neuroticism, less extraverted, less likely to drink, and members of the honors college. In the typical, psychological sense I would consider myself more neurotic: I have anxiety, in my teenage years I battled depression, and I battle the self-doubt that comes with constant over-thinking.

It would be interesting to learn whether the people who kiss out of real affection toward their partner differ from those who are trying to go along with the crowd (what would have happened if my first kiss in Greece would have been someone I truly connected with, like Chris, and not, my frienemy, Peter?). If kissing is part of the search for adolescent self-definition, as the authors propose, your first kiss could help you gain some clarity into your own goals and values. The study could help you understand you motivation now, your reasons for potential lack of intimacy now, or how to be more expressive in your current relationships, whether intimate or not.  

PS—more research really should be done on the topic. I believe it’s an important subject in life, and one which needs to be talked about. Maybe those who hold back would be more willing to open up if they had a chance to. 

Whenever you had your first kiss, remember it. You only get one! (That’s why it’s so important 😉).