Waiting is the Hardest Part

In a world of instant gratification, there are times in our life when we still have to wait. We wait to see if we got the job. We wait to see if the person we went on a date with will call us for another. We wait for the cliffhanger to be resolved on our favorite TV show. Waiting in traffic. Waiting in a waiting room or in a long line. There are things we must wait for—that we can’t/won’t know the answer to immediately. Nobody likes waiting, and in the words of Tom Petty, “the waiting is the hardest part.”

One of the reasons we don’t like to wait is because when we are waiting, we are not in control. Most of us like controlling our life, our destiny. The truth is: there are too many factors for us to be totally in control. Sometimes, we have to wait for other people. No matter if the news is bad, we want to know. (If it’s bad, we can do something about it.) Waiting sucks because it’s the opposite of doing. In a recent American Psychological Asociation podcast, Kate Sweeny, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, states “waiting combines two challenging states of mind: Not knowing what’s coming, uncertainty, and not being able to do much or anything about it. So, a lack of control.”

Waiting is hard because people crave certainty. The need to know is adaptive and built into our need to survive. It’s part of our innate selves If we know what to expect, we can adequately prepare for it, and most likely will get by okay. If we are uncertain about what’s to come, we are less to flourish.  We need certainty to survive our lives.

Another reason why waiting can be difficult is that the outcome of whatever we are waiting for determines our next steps. If the answers are what we were hoping for, we celebrate and keep moving forward. If we receive unwelcome news and not what we had wanted, we process the loss and disappointment and reroute.

While we wait, we often visualize the outcomes: good and bad. We mentally prepare ourselves for either scenario. Mentally, it helps calm us down because either way, we know what we are going to do. While anticipation can be fun in circumstances, most of the time it makes us uncomfortable. Waiting puts our life on pause—we are in limbo during the waiting.

Because waiting is inevitable, we must find ways to cope with it, so we don’t become overwhelmed in the wait. A study conducted at Penn State found participants were more anxious waiting for news than receiving bad news. As it is a certainty of life—a part of the equation of living and pursuing goals—what are some things we may want to try doing when we find ourselves in the uncomfortable realm of waiting on someone (or something) else’s timeline? How can we play the waiting game without it taking too much of an emotional toll?

• During the waiting period, it’s helpful to be mindful and present in the moment we’re in. The practice of meditation helps us focus on what we know—the moment we are in—and it helps give us some focus for our thoughts. Studies have shown that meditation helps relieve stress, especially in times of stress. Meditation is calming, reminds us to breathe, and centers us.

• Improve your “flow state,” Activities that are immersive and require your complete focus help you achieve a flow state. Being in your flow can be calming, grounding, and rewarding. It also helps us remember that life goes on, even as we wait. There is food to cook, work to do, stories to write, and art to make. The waiting is there, and so are these other experiences that remind us that there is more to life than the news we are waiting on. Getting lost in an immersive experience can be helpful in retaining this awareness and can do wonders to shift your mind out of the worry of what will be. During lockdowns during Covid—a time of uncertainty/unknowns, and high stress—many people picked up reading, puzzles, knitting, or new activities. The key is: find what activity improves your flow.
• Notice the awe. In a study performed at the University of California, researchers discovered that participants exposed to an awe-inspiring video (a high-resolution video of a sunset) were significantly better able to tolerate the uncertainty of waiting for test results than participants who watched either a neutral video or a cute video of animals. The researchers concluded that inducing the feeling of awe can help us when we find ourselves waiting. When I struggle during my times of wait, I like to sit under the stars and just stare at them. For me, there is great wonder in the night sky. I often find it in nature. The ability to find awe is all around us; we have to seize it.

• Limit your checking for the answer. I find this one hard. I often find myself checking my email or texts for the answer I am looking for. When I was going through a stressful time in life, I deleted email from my phone, and it reduced my stress. Because here’s the thing, the answer is going to come when it comes, no matter how many times we check for it. Constant checking is draining, and when we fall into habitual checking, it becomes a vicious cycle of checking, disappointment, and more checking, as every time we check holds the promise of some news. Instead, if you are waiting for an answer, check your email on a schedule. Set boundaries around where you check. One idea might be to only check your email on your computer, not your phone.
• Create positive affirmations. Write down some words that increase your hope and a belief in a positive outcome. Say them out loud. You can record yourself saying them and watch or listen to your recording as a reminder. Potentially this can help hedge off worry and keep you feeling optimistic. Your affirmations should be equal parts hopeful and vague. An example is, “Good things are coming my way.” While you don’t say exactly what that good thing is, you state you know it’s coming. There is a truth to that. After all, good things are always coming our way, but we need to be ready and open to seeing them. Our outcome might not be what we thought or wanted, but good things always will find us. The key is to look for those positive things.

While the wait is difficult, you can find ways to make the situation you’re in better. You can be better. You can be more patient. Push your positivity into action. The wait will eventually end, and you will get the answer. When the answer comes, you will know how to act. If the conclusion is not positive, you will have to wait for your positive circumstances to cycle back around. After all, “good things come to those who wait.”