The Weight of It…

This post is going to be vulnerable and honest. I have struggled with weight and body image since I was a teenager. I know this isn’t unusual for most women (that’s part of the reason Gemi is a little chubby at the beginning of the novel, I wanted her to be relatable to my audience). I wonder if people look at me and think, “you’re thin, what’s the problem?” But I wasn’t always thin. It started the summer after my junior year of high school. That summer, I met my biological father, who said he had wanted a relationship with me. It’s hard to explain, but even though I had a dad, part of me always wondered where I came from because I don’t look like anyone in my family. Not even my mom (though people swear we look alike). So, when he asked if I would be willing to meet, I took the opportunity. As fast as he entered my life, he left it. At the end of the summer, he wrote me an email about how a relationship with me was too difficult. It read like a high school boyfriend breaking up with his girlfriend. My emotionally maturing, teenage self didn’t handle the rejection well. I took his not wanting to have a relationship with me, as if something was wrong with me. I was seventeen, and the man who was half of me, didn’t want anything to do with me, and I didn’t know what to do.

Because of his rejection, senior year of high school was difficult. I spent most of it depressed. Very depressed, though I didn’t know what that’s what I was at the time. My mom knew, but I don’t think she knew how to help me. My life senior year of high school was waking up, going to seminary for church (it’s an early morning Bible study), going to school, coming home to eat, doing homework, eating dinner, and going to bed. There were after school naps most days, too. Luckily for me, I had good friends, who made me get out of the house and do things. Otherwise, I don’t know if I would have left the house, except to go to church and school events. Even though my biological father didn’t love me, I knew my Heavenly Father did, and I know His love for me is what got me through that year. I gained a lot of weight that year. In fact, I don’t have very many pictures from that year of life because I was so big, and I was ashamed of my body and myself. If you’ve seen one, consider yourself special.

When I left for college, I weighed about 165 pounds. As a young woman, I was deathly afraid of gaining the “freshman fifteen,” because if I gained 15 pounds, I would weigh the same as my dad, and I am four inches shorter than he is. I knew that I wasn’t being healthy, or living my best life. I was bound and determined to get healthy. I made a vow that I would eat better, so I cut all condiments out of my diet. When you are in college and live on cafeteria food, you do what you can to eat healthy. I also went to school on a small campus, so I had to walk everywhere. I made a lot of friends, too, which helped pull me out of my slump. We did things together, like go to social events. I found my sunny disposition again in college, and it was nice to be back to a more normal lifestyle. My first semester of college, I lost 40-45 pounds. When my grandma saw pictures of me, she always told me I was too thin. At the time, I didn’t understand what she meant. I had grown up with a mom, who was a professional cheerleader, and who was thin. My sisters were thin (though I have come to learn they have dealt with their own weight struggles, too.).

The summer after my freshman year, my Grandma, who was my number one supporter, passed away, and I wasn’t there. I felt guilt over not being there, and I self-medicated with food, so I gained some of my weight back. So, sophomore year, I decided to work out. My friends and I would work out in my dorm room, but I never stuck with it because I don’t like working out. Who does? (I know people do, but most people don’t). Since that year, I have maintained relatively the same weight, though I have cycled through being really thin (when I lived on my own in Indy, Utah, and Pennsylvania), which looking back, I was borderline too skinny, and being bigger, though I have never been as big as I was my senior year.

During the same time, I have worked on my diet and eating. Since 2012, I don’t eat past 8 pm, unless it’s the weekend or a special occasion. My friend Stefanie and I challenged each other to that, and I have done well sticking to it. For the last three years, I don’t eat meat one day a week. Another friend, Amin, challenged me to that. It’s not always easy, and it takes planning. But it’s been a good practice in self-mastery. Every year for Lent, I give up soda for about 50 days (this is the one food vice I struggle with because I drink diet soda, and I don’t lost weight when I stop drinking it). This year I gave it up for an additional 18 days in June-July. My hope is to one day get rid of it for the most part, though I don’t think I will ever give it up totally. When Hannah was diagnosed with diabetes, I reduced my carb intake, and have continued to do so ever since. For the most part, I follow the idea of all things in moderation regarding food, which works pretty well. If I want a piece of pie, I eat a piece of pie. I just don’t eat pie every day. Some days, it takes great restraint, but my body is better because of it. And I don’t feel deprived. My diet leaves me satisfied.

Two years ago, I was in one of my heavier periods, and I was sick of it. So, I decided that I was going to start working out again. I set a goal for myself that I would weigh 138 pounds by my Dierks Bentley concert that summer, and I did. I actually weighed less, but that’s not relevant. After the concert, I got lazy, and I stopped doing my toning exercises. So, I got flabby. This year, I made the same goal. But I started earlier in the year and gradually increased my time and exercises. Last year, I was thinner. This year, I am more fit. I have ab definition (which makes me super excited!) I am not going to stop toning this year. I have my goals written in my calendar to make sure that I stick with my exercise plan. Being more fit has given me confidence, and I have found myself doing things I never would have done before. I like being brave and taking chances. It’s amazing what self-confidence does for a person! I am going to stick with working out because it makes me a better person!

For the first time ever, I bought a bikini. One of my friends once said that you wear a bikini no matter what your body looks like, but I don’t agree. You have to be comfortable. And I wouldn’t have been comfortable before. I didn’t buy a bikini for anyone (no one looks at me that way). I did it for me. I glow-in-the-dark, so for me, my swimsuit isn’t about getting a tan or showing off, but wearing a bikini was about being confident with who I am. My body isn’t perfect. I feel like my thighs need to be smaller, and my arms need to be toner. I have always worn functional swimsuits that tuck in the tummy and make me look like a mom. I am young, and it’s fun to dress like a young person, not a mom.

I wore that bikini the other day for the first time, and I felt a self-confidence come over me that I’ve never felt before. It was nice. It’s a great feeling to love myself for who I am and confidently show people that love I have for myself. The number doesn’t matter. The feeling matters.