Circle

I joke that I hate people, which isn’t fair. I don’t hate people, but I do get overwhelmed in large crowds or around a lot of people. I have many acquaintances but not very many friends. There is a big difference between being friendly and letting people into your world. My Circle is quite small, and that’s the way I want it. Saying I hate people doesn’t do those people I let in justice. I don’t let just anyone in. I am particular about who gets to know me—the real me: all of my insecurities and quirks and secrets. When someone unwillingly enters that Circle, it is hard for me to handle, and if someone reveals my inner-Morganness to someone I didn’t let in, oftentimes, they are excluded from the Circle for a little bit. That makes me sound a little callous, and I am not. I just believe that some things should stay private, and if I want someone to know private information about me, I will tell them. It’s no one’s information to tell but my own.

I have always been a little awkward and a lot shy, but I am okay with that; I know who I am, and I like who I am. My family has been known to call me an awkward turtle because I do what I want, when I want, and sometimes, I look silly doing it. Last week, during the football game, I danced a little dance every time the Chiefs scored, but clearly, it didn’t help them win L It was funny and ugly, and I didn’t care. BUT I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT in public. That would open myself up to being goofy in front of people I don’t know. I won’t say it never happens—the people at Music Bingo, who do not sit at our table, have probably seen me in rare form. And, my siblings and I bowled last night, and I cannot account for the dancing that happened. Overly tired brain sometimes makes me do funny things.

Being part of my Circle to me means that you accept me for who I am, but in return, you get the same thing from me. If I tell you inside information on me, I want to know the same about you. I promise I won’t judge you for it or think less of you because of what you tell me. In fact, I want you to tell me because that means I trust you not to tell anyone. My last boyfriend and I were friends before we dated, and we spent a lot of time getting to know each other. We talked about a future together, but things didn’t work out that way. He chose differently. After we broke up, I thought: “oh my gosh, he knows all this information about me, what if…” But the truth is, I trusted him with that information because I knew he wouldn’t tell anyone, and after we were not dating, I had to trust that he still wouldn’t tell anyone. He hasn’t, and I trust him enough to guess he won’t because he respects me enough not to tell others what I told him, just like he can trust me in the same manner.

Being a part of someone’s Circle is an intimate experience. Some people have larger Circles, and others, like me, prefer to have smaller ones. Who am I to say which is right or wrong? All I know is that the more people you let know you, the more you open up yourself for pain and heartache, if people let you down. I have siblings that easily trust people, and in some ways, I wish I was more like that. Maybe it’s my logical—overanalyzing brain. Maybe it’s my observant nature. Maybe it’s lessons from the past. I don’t know what it is, but I know, I don’t let people into my heart the easiest. So, if you found your way there, know that I want you there. Know that it is important you are there. That I need you there for some reason. I know I can count on any person in my Circle, at any time. I call my friend Linda my Home Friend because we can be apart for years, and every time we get together, it’s like we’ve never spent time apart. My friend Lori, is a lot like me, and I can confide anything to her without judgment. She really helped me a lot in December. In part, I survived the month because she was there for me.

The people who we choose to keep closest to us are the ones we share our hopes, dreams, ideas, regrets, heartbreaks, mistakes, etc. with. They are the people we expect to always be around for us. That’s why I choose mine wisely. I don’t want Joe-off-the-street to know my innermost truths. So, in theory, I need to know you for some time and pretty well before I let you in. But, if I let you in, know, it means a lot to me, and I want to be vulnerable with you. I want to share things about myself with you, and I want you to do the same. After all, a Circle doesn’t work if the two foci (people) don’t coincide with one another! (Look at that, I used math!!! I never thought that would happen.)