Lockdown

2020 has been an interesting year, to say the least. Six months ago this is not where I would have expected my life to be.  Though, I am sure most people would say that about this year. Never did I imagine I would be told to be bound to my house for over 2 months, or people would be fighting over toilet paper and paper towels, walking around with covered faces, getting temperatures taken when they enter stores—any of this would have unfolded. I don’t think—even as a writer—I could have written a story like this year. I learned a lot of lessons in lockdown. We were not in quarantine. Quarantine is a situation where people’s movements are restricted. While our movements were restricted, we were also free to go shopping, go outside, etc. Calling the last couple months lockdown makes me feel like I did something naughty, and if you know me, you know naughty is one of my favorite words. Haha. I will admit it has really bothered me people have been posting pictures of themselves in masks, like it’s cool and trendy. While I feel it’s important to document what’s happening in the world, some posts felt mocking in nature. There are people—doctors, nurses, dentists, landscapers, etc., who must wear masks as part of their profession. I will never post a picture of me in a mask (except that Easter picture my mom made us take) just like I never posted my Senior Picture or prom picture to honor the High School graduates of 2020. I didn’t feel doing so really honored the prom or graduation they didn’t get.

2020 has not been the year I expected or wanted it to be. I did use my time wisely for the most part…well, my time wasn’t wasted. I read several books. I am now 12/20 for my yearly goal. If you have counted the other 3 I have started, then I am even closer. I read a variety of books. Some political, some historical, and even some non-fiction. My favorite was A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, though I am very excited to read Just Mercy before I watch the movie. I am also planning to read The Sun Does Shine, which one of my high school teachers suggested; and Go Set a Watchman because I am curious to see how To Kill a Mockingbird is concluded, and The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes because it’s a prequel to The Hunger Games. My book list has been added to, subtracted from, and I have read books I didn’t imagine reading when I began the list. I have gotten great use out of my library audio and ebook account, even though I cannot check anything out physically, which I prefer.

I will not totally say all my time was spent wisely. I re-watched The Office. Jim is still my favorite. He’s the kind of guy I would fall for if he were not fictional. I love John Krasinski, but I only watched snippets of his Some Good News. I also watched Outer Banks and All American on my dad’s suggestion. My dad really loves teenage dramas. Outer Banks was full of plot issues, which as a writer I struggled with, but it was interesting. All American was a bit heavy at times, but worth the watch. I thought it would be more about football, but it was about someone’s life, so it makes sense the whole story wasn’t football. I also watched Murder, She Wrote because it’s cheesy 80’s, and I don’t really have to pay attention to it. Plus, who doesn’t love Angela Lansbury? (BTW: my parents have teased me about watching this). I am currently re-watching Parks and Recreation. I don’t think I ever finished the series when it was originally on. The more I watch, the more I realize I am a little Leslie Knope. However, politically, I am Ron Swanson. I don’t care for politics, but I do believe personal liberties are important. I will definitely stand up for my rights. I will question leaders and the policies they make—especially if I see them infringing on my liberty. There have been a lot of questionable policies in 2020. When people have questioned my duty to other citizens or my country, I have become feisty. The Governor of North Carolina recently Tweeted if you didn’t wear a mask, you didn’t care about other people. This made me fiery. He shunned people who he leads. This is wrong. This shouldn’t happen. EVER. This is not the appropriate way to lead people. If you want people to follow guidelines, you need to explain them and tell people why should follow them with care.  Now, he is trying to mandate mask wearing statewide. People need to know this is not a law, and he can’t enforce this. People are tired of his rules and regulations, the police have been weakened and now are being asked to enforce policies which people are not happy about, and it’s against your personal rights. If people want to wear masks, they are more than free to, but no one can make you. This is about knowing your rights. There are reasons why masks are not beneficial to certain people, so telling them they don’t care about others because they don’t wear a mask is judgmental. My theory: wear a mask if you want; don’t wear a mask if you don’t want to—it’s your decision, and it has no bearing on the decision I make for myself. I do have a mask which I do not wear in public, unless I am at work, where it is required. I do so because I need a job and my company needs the funding from the government, so they follow the rules. I also wore it to my massage because it was required, and they can refuse service. The fabric for my mask was chosen because I wanted to be the sunshine in the storm—in other people’s storms to life them up. I wanted to live up to my nickname. This entire pandemic has been a struggle for me to stay cheery and positive. My nickname is Sunshine, but I don’t always feel I have been full of sunshine during these times. I have gotten focused on me, and what’s happening in my life. I don’t do well with confrontation, or people trying to tell others what they can and can’t do.  If you try to tell me what to do, I will do what I want. Fundamentally, people are this way. I don’t understand why people argue beliefs….generally, you are not going to change someone’s opinion. It would be nice if civil conversations could occur, but those conversations don’t happen most of the time. People are going to, and should, do what’s best for them and their situation.

I told my friend after this I was going to get into politics, even though I hate them, so I can be a different kind of leader. I am not sure I would be a good leader because I believe personal liberties are the most important things in politics. My biggest problem with the policies of the leadership of the year 2020 is the lack of clarity. From the Federal to the local—no one has clearly explained policies, and why we should follow them. This is a problem. While I will admit some of the confusion was due to the fluid nature of the situation, I still feel like policies could have been explained more clearly. Policy Writing 101 taught me to clearly outline my policies, so there was little confusion for the constituents. I take this knowledge to heart. I will not blindly follow a regulation because someone tells me I should. No one should do so. Saying, “it’s better for society” is not a reasonable enough explanation. Fear-mongering is not how policies should be made. If people are scared into following rules, what kind of leadership are they depending upon? We do not live in Communism. We need to question our government. America was built on the idea of freedoms, and if we let leadership infringe on our rights, we are back to where we started—what our Father Figures fought so hard to free the country from. I am probably the least politically vocal in my family, at least socially/publicly, but it’s because I believe people can and will do their own thing.

Lockdown has been a time of reflection and learning. Some of these lessons were difficult and heartbreaking realizations, while others were life reminders.

• I always joke I’d be willing to go to jail for different things, but after being in Lockdown, I know that could never happen. I like to go to work and keep busy. I like being busy. Even though I like to be myself, I like to be with my people when I want to be. People need people. I don’t like being told what to do, and I don’t like being confined, so I am pretty sure prison wouldn’t be the best environment for me. Being locked away and told what to do weigh on the mind and on the spirit. Even though I am mentally healthy, there were days I struggled. Days that wore on me mentally. I know I am not strong enough to go to prison. Going to prisons was one of the reasons I decided not to pursue a career as a Forensic Psychologist. Prisons are dark and mostly hopeless places. The kind of places I don’t want to live in for the rest of my life.
• There are aspects of life only I understand. Things that require faith and hope are some of these things. Things I feel in my gut—things I trust are going to happen—I could try to explain these feelings to people, and the feelings will not be understood. I am the only person who feels them, so I am the only person who will understand them. I have found it’s sometimes best to keep these feelings to myself. If I can never explain them to someone, perhaps it’s better to keep them to myself. I am not saying to never share these premonitions (we’ll call them, for lack of a better word). Maybe hope and faith in the things that seem impossible, or unrealistic, should be kept in my heart, and kept private, until they come to fruition. I will write them down in one of my many notebooks, so I can remind myself of the time I first knew my truth, and felt those feelings. These feelings of faith and hope require those two things: faith and hope. At times, these premonitions require the right timing, which requires patience. Some experiences require a complex set of occurrences that have to happen first. (I don’t know if I am explaining what I mean very well.) When all seems impossible, I have a tendency to see the worst-case scenario. I am a thinker, and I have an inclination to have spiraling thoughts towards the bad. Even if they are not realistic. At these times, I have to remind myself to breathe, be calm, and everything will work out for my good. When my mind spirals, I know that is not faith or hope, and I have to fight those thoughts. I have to remind myself faith and hope are stronger than my fears. Everything happens for a reason; there is a lesson to be learned from what has happened. I have survived 100% of my bad days so far. When I feel hopeless, I have a mantra journal in which I write: IT WILL WORK OUT 107 times. I heard a podcast say people need to read/hear something 107 times before it becomes engrained in their brain. I need more reminders than 107. I don’t write in my mantra journal often, but some days I need to see the words IT WILL WORK OUT as a reminder. I have gotten better. I live with more hope, and I can usually stop those spiraling feelings/thoughts pretty quickly. Though, I will admit, I am tired of the constant battle my brain rages. A little brain rest every now and again would be okay, haha. Truthfully, it’s human nature to want things fixed quickly. I know I am not alone in wanting a quick solution for my problems. This is not the way things happen in most situations. TV and movies show things get resolved quickly, and usually neatly, but this is not the case most of the time. Difficult situations moments, etc. that require time, patience, and effort are worth more and are special when we acquire them. The days pass quickly even when the hours and minutes seem to pass slowly. Time is gone before we know or realize it’s not there. I never thought I was a control freak, but I have realized I want everything to be the way I want it. I need to take life as it comes and learn the lessons that come with life….meaning I have to let go of control.
• I have not always made the relationships and the people who are most important to me my top priority, and it has cost me dearly. I have used school and other commitments as reasons to push people away. To protect myself. All those reasons are just excuses. Those excuses have cost me, too. I have missed out on relationships because I didn’t allow myself to be open and vulnerable. I do not say how I feel to people, even my family. My mom has been with me every moment of my life, and I still don’t tell her I love her like I should. She tells me all the time. I rarely return the sentiment. I know it bothers her. It also bothers Brady. He will leave my house, and yell “I LOVE YOU” the entire way down the driveway. He knows I won’t say it back, but he says it anyway. While I don’t say the words, I show people I care with my actions. If I tell you I am worried about you, or to be safe, etc., in Morgan-ese that means I care about you. The only people I don’t have a difficult time telling I love them are my nieces and nephews. Probably because I know there will be no rejection from them. They don’t know my faults and insecurities; to them, I am just amazing Auntie Moe. I also tell Guido I love him, even though he rejects me. I try to cuddle with him, and he sighs heavily and hides from me (the closet on my clean clothes is his favorite). If you know me, you know I have said when Guido passes, I will be fine. This is a lie. This is my defense mechanism. Guido has been with me for 15 years+. Guido loves me unconditionally, even when I feel like no one else does. Even when he’s mad at me. The best part of my day is when his furry, four-legged self meets me at the door, wagging his tail. He has brought me companionship, joy, and unconditional love. I know he won’t last forever, and he’s lived most of his life. I have had to consider what life will be like when he’s no longer around. He is my one-and-done. When he passes, there will be no more dogs for me. Hopefully, that day won’t come for a little while still, so for now, I am cherishing every moment I have with him. Even if I find him snuggling my pillows..grr. I tell him every morning when I leave for work, “Guido, be a good boy. I love you.” I also take pictures of him every day, which I send to my mom. I am working on telling people more I do love them. When Dad had his heart attack, I gave him a huge hug, and told him I was glad he was still around. I have texted “I love you” a lot more, too. It’s a work in progress. Tomorrow is not promised, so I need to say the words before I can’t. It’s weird because I believe in having meaningful conversations in person, but I am better at writing the words.
• Not to be cliché, but YOLO. You do only have one life and one chance to make the best of your life. I am going to do those things that scare me. I am going to accomplish those crazy big dreams I have. No one else is going to do it for me. While I have talked about it for some time, I did book my trip to swim with the sharks, August 29^th. I am not scared now, but I know I will feel nerves that day. Those nerves will push me forward. Swimming with the sharks is something I have always wanted to do. Booking the trip was a graduation present to me; it’s something I need to do. For me. I bought a red bikini for the trip because red signifies boldness. Wearing a bikini and swimming with sharks are two daring decisions. (Don’t worry, sharks are colorblind, so the swimsuit won’t remind them of blood. I have researched the diving company and the likelihood of being attacked by a shark, which is not very high.) I am going to become a professor. I am going to write another book. I am going to publish my poetry. I am going to visit Ilya in Dubai. If I decide I am going to do something, I do it. These aren’t just words; these are actions that will take place. While I have had to put some of those plans on hold during 2020, I am going to make sure they all happen.
• During this time, I realized how much health care policy matters to me. No, I don’t want to work in a hospital. No, I don’t want to work in the government, but I want to advocate for better health care policy. After living in Greece, and now, seeing our government try to handle America’s health care, I DO NOT want their hand in making my health decisions. Government leaders should not make decisions for people’s personal health. Socialism sounds great in theory. I have lived it, and it’s not a proper solution. Something needs to be done about how much health care costs, how much prescriptions cost, hospital funding, etc. I have so many opinions on what can be fixed, but I am not sure what the solutions are. I need to do more research. I am going to read current articles and see where my passion lies, and what I feel I can do. I want to talk to those in the health care field, and see what they think, since they are the ones who live with Federal and State policies every day. There is so much work to do, and I hope I can help. When I started my dissertation and decided to work on education policy, I didn’t know what I wanted to write about, until I met my baseball brother. Things I never thought would inspire me—have, and  these things changed the course of my professional career. This may be another turn to follow.
• Graduation and my job prospects have not happened how I wanted or expected them to. My university took an extremely long time to decide in-person graduation was cancelled. They are having an online graduation July 18^th, and family and friends can participate in ways like never before. Inviting people to attend Virtual Graduation isn’t the same. There is something special about graduating in person. To share that moment with others—even if they have to attend virtually. I was really looking forward to being hooded by my Chair. This is the second time I have rescheduled graduation. I can still attend a personal graduation in the future. In 2021 they are in Orlando and San Antonio. Those graduations wouldn’t be the same. I don’t know if my Committee can be at one of those graduations. I may be a professor, somewhere, by this time next year. My dreams are on hold, but I will accomplish them. I applied for a position as an Adjunct Professor at NC Central. The position would start online and would be part time at first, but it’s a foot in the door. In the time being, I am going to start looking into Non-Profit positions (NPs are another passion of mine). Once I am a working professional in my field, graduation may seem anti-climactic. I haven’t decided whether I will attend or not. It will depend on where I am at the time. It is sucky I worked so hard, accomplished my life goal, and may not get to celebrate in the way I wish or deserve. I know everyone graduating in 2020 feels this way.
• Even if my situation is bad, someone always has it worse. My friend from college lives in China; her husband is a pilot there. Her mom died before Covid-19 hit the US, so she has been here for months without her husband and children. She can fly back, but then has to be in isolation for at least two weeks. So, they are living in separate countries. At least, there is technology. But still. Someone always has it worse. I am also trying to be grateful for what I have; especially because I don’t deserve most of the gifts I have been given. It’s easy to take life, and the things we’ve been given in this life for granted. I say a prayer of thanksgiving every day my dad is still here, even when he annoys me because he is still here to annoy me. When I think of how close I was to losing him, to having only one parent at such a young age, I am very grateful he is still here. My life would be completely different if he weren’t here. If you know the book The Secret, the secret is if you see it, it will come to fruition. I have seen this many times in my life. So, I am going to be thankful every day for what I do have, and what I will have.
• I know many people don’t agree with his policies, or how he presents himself, but Donald Trump is our President. People saying #notmypresident or other similar remarks are not cool, and do not promote unity. You may not like him, and you may not agree with his politics, but he’s still deserves the respect of the office. If you don’t like the policies he is implementing, vote. I didn’t like Obama, and I didn’t agree with many of the policies he made, but I voted. You can’t complain if you don’t vote. Plus, a President doesn’t make laws and policies by themselves, even though sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. I also wonder how being nothing but negative helps. Does it make him a better President? Does that promote unity? A negative plus a negative equals negative, not positive. No law is going to make every person happy. Local politics are as important as Federal law. Someone is always not going to like something. If you don’t like something, get involved. As a Doctor of Policy and Administration, I need to get involved in politics. Knowing what laws say and how they impact you is where to start. I am going to attend Town Hall meetings if I can. Write my Congress people. We need to become the change we want to see in the world.

My theme song for this year, “The Mountain” has been particularly applicable this year. My heart may get broken, but I won’t bleed. Life has been difficult. In the future, there will be other difficult times. In the words of Kenny Chesney, a concert I can’t go to this year, “I struggle sometimes to find the words / Always sure until I doubt…But I’m honest to a fault, it’s just who I am.” While 2020 has not been my year, or anyone’s year, I am going to be better each day than I was before. That is my goal for the rest of 2020. I am already over hallway through the year. The best thing I can do is make myself better each day, so I can make the world better for 2021.