Choose to Change

Life requires change. We change our clothes. We change our underwear—at least if we wear them. We use change to pay for things. We change our attitude, or personality, our hair color. Change is everywhere. We can’t avoid it. We need it. Sometimes, we hate it. There are some things we can change, and there are things we can change, and there are things we cannot. It’s important to know the difference between the two. We spend too much time and waste too much energy in futile attempts to change what we cannot change. It is a major cause of frustration and other often causes anger.  We often become overwhelmed by figuring out the logical and reasoning trying to figure out changes in our life. The thing is even not choosing is a choice, and every choice we make has a consequence. Usually, we don’t choose how our choices impact ourselves or others. We make the choices and live with the consequences.

People change, and we aren’t always comfortable with the changes others make. We need to try to have empathy and understanding. People don’t choose to change for no reason. Try to support others in their changes, and hope they treat the changes you are willing and try to make the same way. We all need love and support, especially when we are trying to change—change isn’t easy or comfortable, but it’s necessary. Choose to help others as they choose to change.

At the beginning of Covid my Uncle and I were talking about this very thing. How we can’t wish things were different. Change is a choice. He recited “The Serenity Prayer” to me, which states, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer is often used in recovery. Of course there is more to the prayer than these opening lines. I liked the words so much, I made a sign with them on it, which hangs in my office. I made a similar sign for two of my friends.

Recently I have been thinking how I wanted 2021 to be my year of change, and all the things that have changed in my life this past year. Some good. Some bad. I value change. Kainos as it’s called in Greek meaning to be made new, fresh. My mom gave me a stone etched with the word ‘kainos’ on it. On the Revelation 2: 17 is written, “To him who overcomes I will give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it.” The stone once had religious meaning in my life. The meaning may have changed, but it’s impact does not. The stone sits on my desk to remind me of how I have changed, and how I can continue to change.

So many things in my life have changed this year, and I have learned a lot from my experiences this year. Things I needed to change. Some many I cannot. Each and every day I make the decision to choose to change. It’s not easy. Most days it’s difficult. There are 3 C’s in life: Choices, Chances, and Changes. You must make the choice to take chances to change what you want in life. (Para. Zig Ziglar).

One of the biggest changes in my life has been a physical change. In February I was diagnosed with an infection in my mouth. The infection caused a lot of damage, meaning a lot a dental procedures. These procedures caused change in my bite, my feeling, and look of my teeth. During the same time, my 12-year-old molars came in, which also changed the look, feel, and bite of my teeth. I would sit and stare at old pictures of how my mouth used to be. I have done everything necessary, but I can’t change how my teeth have changed. For weeks, I wouldn’t smile. I was full of anxiety about everything new I felt in my mouth.  How I felt about my teeth consumed me. All the worry about the procedures consumed me. But worrying about it wouldn’t change anything. I was getting nowhere. I decided that instead of sitting and worrying I was going to be grateful for the teeth I have, and they are doing the job they were meant to do. All the work has now been completed, and I have inquired about Invisalign, which would again change my look, feel, bite. I decided to change what I could. I also decided I was worried about things that weren’t happening: no one else noticed the changes in my mouth—others still think my smile is beautiful. I can keep on smiling, even though I am not totally happy with my smile.

I have applied to a lot of jobs recently. My current job has treated me well, but I am ready to move on, do something I really want to do. I have applied to many jobs this year—non-profits, tenure-tracks, non-tenure tracks. Recently I applied to a job that I was purposely asked to apply to. It’s for a media company, a non-profit, which I would be a Direct-response editor. The job is intriguing to me. I applied to it. Only problem: the company wanted a video cover letter with the application. I have never done one of those before. It makes me uncomfortable to be on video. That’s why I am a writer. I did it. I even made a YouTube channel–https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGHf0U5gS7T1bVSAp5jx-5w . In the future, I am going to use the page to recite my poetry for people to view. We need to push ourselves to do things that make us feel uncomfortable. We never know what will come from small changes we choose to make. As Van Gogh said, “Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”

I have evaluated many of the friendships in my life. I have had to cut some people out of my life that do not bring me peace. IT was hard to do, but my life is better for it. Relationships should be a balance between the people in them—both people have to give and receive in the same manner. I have been told I am savage because I hold people to high standards, and I don’t cut people slack when they mess up. I hold myself to the same standards I hold other people to. I will not change who I am to appease others, and if you want me to change to make your life easier, then it’s not going to happen. We cannot be friends. I will cut you out and not look back.

My good friend has decided to become a life coach, and she asked me if I would be her practice patient to get her hours. No problem, I thought. Oh, was I wrong. I learned so many things about myself—things I need to change about myself—that will take work, effort, and daily choices to choose to heal and continue healing. Healing is a daily choice to be better than the day before. I am learning how to forgive those who have deeply wronged me. My biological father was first on that list. Although what he did does not impact me for the most part, at times it does. This year more than most. I can’t live with anger, resentment, and sadness for choices he has made. I can’t change him. I can change how I react to him. Instead of holding in negative feelings towards him, I am choosing to forgive him. I have written him a letter telling him so—words which he will probably never read, but I put pen to paper. I wrote down my feelings. I have learned forgiveness often benefits me more than others. The letter is addressed, and sitting in my nightstand—ready to mail if I ever feel the need to. The feelings are being released. It’s not always easy to forgive him, but it’s something I have to do—for me. So, every day, no matter how I feel about him, I choose to forgive him, and what he did to me.

As I have stated before, I chose to leave my religious upbringing behind. I actually thought it would be harder to do. It’s been part of my identity my entire life. Upon leaving, I realized I never fit in the confinements religious organization tried to fit me into. The layers unravel themselves a little more all the time. My initial descent began many years ago, probably even before I went to Greece, though Greece was the place I found who I really am. I tried to make myself be happy in  the religious life, but I never really was. Memories of significant events in my life seem muddled now, but I can’t choose to dwell on that—I can’t change how I was raised, or the choices I made in that past. Those decisions made me who I am, and they still impact me today. Church is all about community, but I learned that I can choose to be a community of one. Spiritual journeys are individual and unique. You can’t tell how anyone how they feel the spirit, talk to the Universe—you just have to let them choose to experience their spiritual journey for themselves. If you would like to talk about my journey of self-discovery and dissension, feel free to ask me. I would love to talk about all of the unpacking I have been doing about religion, spirituality, and all I have learned about myself, life, God, and the Universe.

I struggle with vulnerability. I always have. One of my goals in 2021 was to be more vulnerable, which for me is choice. The other day I decided to something extremely vulnerable. I decided to open myself up to intimacy from a long-time friend. I put myself out there in a way I have never done before. And he didn’t respond. The song “Careless Whisper” by George Michael comes to mind. I wasn’t hurt. I felt annoyed. I had to stop myself from going done the rabbit hole I did something wrong. That again, has been a choice. I am choosing not to dwell on what happened. I am choosing not to be hurt. I am choosing to be empowered in my invalidated vulnerability. In the future I don’t think it will be easier to open myself up for pain and embarrassment, but I know I will choose to be more vulnerable than before.

Life coaching has taught me some other things about life and myself:

               -Meditation can be done through music, and I am a fan of baltering (dancing poorly without coordination or beauty but for the enjoyment). Life is meant to be lived.

               -There are 7 chakras, and they need to be aligned to have my best life. I am reading 2 books about chakras: Chakras and Self-Care  by Ambi Kavanagh and Be Here Now by Ram Dass. I am learning how to live in the moment, which is a choice for a scheduler like me.

               -I burn incense on the regular. It’s very calming. I have a favorite called Ocean Breeze. I am not a fan of sage, which is supposed to bring peace and calm.

               -I love the smell of many essential oils. I feel my favorite may be eucalyptus.

               -I am not difficult. I have boundaries, and those boundaries tell people I want them to be in my life, not out of it.

               -Uptight me is learning I can be flexible and adaptable. I choose what I want to let in, and what I do not.

There are some other things I learned about choice and choosing these past few months:

1. Accept the choices you’ve made, change your next ones. People make mistakes. It’s part of life. I like to not regret past decisions I have made. Instead, I look at them as learning opportunities. As we walk through life, sometimes learning through the hardships is how learning has to be done. You can’t beat yourself up over something that already happened. You can’t change it. Learn from it, and choose differently in the future. As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.” If you don’t like a choice you made, choose differently the following time.
2. Accept those who hurt you, change those with whom you are surrounded. People hurt others—sometimes they do it intentionally, other times hurt is caused by being a human. Whoever has hurt you, or how they have hurt you, choose to forgive them. Forgive them for yourself. Let go of anger and resentment. Those feelings tend to hurt you. Choose different friends to spend your time with. Learn to create boundaries, which show you love yourself and other people.
3. Accept your imperfections, change your idea of beauty. I was born with a cleft nose. There is a scar in the middle of my face serving as a reminder. I consider it my anti-beauty mark. I am beautiful despite that scar on my face. Scars make people more beautiful. Those scars tell of what a person has been to. My scar shows what I’ve overcome. Beauty is really only skin deep, and those who find you beautiful will find you beautiful for you, not what you look like. Likewise, you could be way outside of our culture’s standard of beauty, but if you shine your light from within, then that is gorgeous.
4. Accept your losses, change your earnings. Losses come in many shapes and forms, and we all e3perience them. No matter your loss, pain is involved. We can’t always get what we lost back. We can look at what we gained through that loss. We can focus on look ahead. We can choose to hold our heads high, move forward, and have a positive attitude
5. Accept your situation, change your outlook. Buddha said, “It is your resistance to ‘What Is’ that causes your suffering.” There are things we cannot change, no matter how much we would like to. If we keep fighting to change those things, life is only be constant sorrow and pain. Suffering we caused by the choices we made. We have two choices: (1) keep fighting against a situation we don’t like and suffer as a result, or (2) accept the situation and change how we view it.
6. Accept your fate, change your journey. What is fate, really? Things happen in life that we don’t always want. At our worst, we must be our best. The dark often brings about the best light. We need to dark to know what the light means, how it feels, and why it’s important to have. Painful moments can be turned into passion and meaning. Our journey doesn’t end now, so make the best of each moment. It would be easy to wallow in misery. Our brain is a creature of habit. We like what’s comfortable, even if it’s pain and suffering. We need to choose what’s uncomfortable. We need to choose to find the solver lining in every situation.
7. Accept where you are now, change where you’ll go. Most people would love to change something about themselves. Goals are amazing, and they are a great tool to have in our change arsenal. We need to use them to move forward in life, not stay stagnant. Growth comes from recognition and acceptance and the desire to change. When you resist your current situation, you are putting negative energy out into the situation – and the world. To change your path in life, you need to put forth positive energy and actions into creating a better future.

Whenever I feel I am stalling, and I need to choose to be the change in my life, I have songs I love to listen to:

• Waiting on the World to Change- John Mayer-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBIxScJ5rlY
• I am Changing- Jennifer Hudson- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwuZMAZgMok
• A Change Will Do You Good- Sheryl Crow- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ikjmz_SlGhg
• A Change is Gonna Come- Sam Cooke- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEBlaMOmKV4
• Change- Taylor Swift-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwWR1cQTKyw
• Roll with the Changes- REO Speedwagon-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEidbkibsiE
• Some People Change- Kenny Chesney- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfhOxo3mQFw

There are probably a million more you could find for your liking.

I don’t really follow astrology, but as a Sagittarius I am flexible and adaptability. This is a quality I need to choose to develop in my personal life. Life a balance of acceptance and change. We need to choose what we will accept, and what we will change. Often, we walk a fine line between the two. Choosing between the two requires conscious focus and action. Choosing to change must happen every day. Choosing to change is a choice in itself. We have to accept change to change. The choice is ours. Will you choose to change or stay the same? I choose to have the courage to make the choice to change. I choose to not live in my comfort zone—to do the unknown, to be brave, to live life to the fullest each and every day.